Kiddushin: Difference between revisions
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# If someone who is going to marry someone who is forbidden to him, his relatives could and should encourage him not to go through with it. If he doesn't listen the relatives should do something so that they remember that he married someone forbidden and his descendants shouldn't get mixed up with theirs.<ref>Rama 2:1 quoting Ran</ref> | # If someone who is going to marry someone who is forbidden to him, his relatives could and should encourage him not to go through with it. If he doesn't listen the relatives should do something so that they remember that he married someone forbidden and his descendants shouldn't get mixed up with theirs.<ref>Rama 2:1 quoting Ran</ref> | ||
===Marrying for Money=== | ===Marrying for Money=== | ||
While technically permitted,<ref> The Gemara Kiddushin 70a curses anyone who marries for money that his children will have bad character traits. Based on Rashi, the Rivash 15 writes that the gemara's curse only applies when the woman in question is forbidden to him and he wants to marry her nonetheless for her money. However, if she's otherwise permitted to him, it is permissible even if his intention is for money. Rama E.H. 2:1 codifies the Rivash.</ref> it is ill-advised to marry purely for money.<ref> Rama E.H. 2:1 cites the Orchot Chaim who writes that a person shouldn't break a shidduch for money and should just be happy with whatever money they get as a dowry. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 clarifies that although it is permitted to marry for money if she's permitted to him, it is forbidden to decide not to marry someone because they don't have money and delay getting married because of that. The Gra 2:6 disagrees and understands that the Orchot Chaim disagrees with the Rivash, and in fact would forbid getting married for money even to a woman he’s permitted to.</ref> However, if the prospective spouse has good middot and is a good shidduch, the fact that money is another factor in the equation is of no consequence.<ref>Aruch Hashulchan 2:1 writes that there is nothing wrong with considering money as a factor as long as it isn’t the only factor. This is also evident in Gra 2:7 that if he would have married her anyway he is also allowed to consider the money. [https://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/720309/rabbi-hershel-schachter/mussar-schmooze-on-dating/shidduchim/ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3-6)] explains that while Chazal say terrible things about someone who marries for money, if the shidduch is a good one, the fact that she has money isn’t something to hold against her. He cautions about the type of lifestyle you’re getting into if you marry into a rich family and how it might impact the marriage if it is so different from the lifestyle you’re used to.</ref> Like anything tangible in life, money can come and go. Therefore, one shouldn’t weigh money or prominence too highly when considering a shidduch.<ref>Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 8) relates that the Maharal of Prague attributed his success in Torah learning to the following incident. He was originally engaged to a woman and his prospective father-in-law promised a nice dowry that would enable him to continue learning Torah after his marriage. In those days, it was very common and customary to have large dowries for a son-in-law to be able to learn for some time after marriage. Shortly thereafter, the father-in-law’s business fell on hard times and it became clear that he couldn’t afford giving them a generous dowry. The Maharal reassured his father-in-law that he would marry her anyway as their honor was more important to him than money. Hashem rewarded this decision: One day when his wife was selling rolls in the market, a man left his coat there, which they found was filled with jewels. The man never returned to claim the coat and they were able to use the jewels to support the Maharal’s learning.</ref> | #While technically permitted,<ref> The Gemara Kiddushin 70a curses anyone who marries for money that his children will have bad character traits. Based on Rashi, the Rivash 15 writes that the gemara's curse only applies when the woman in question is forbidden to him and he wants to marry her nonetheless for her money. However, if she's otherwise permitted to him, it is permissible even if his intention is for money. Rama E.H. 2:1 codifies the Rivash.</ref> it is ill-advised to marry purely for money.<ref> Rama E.H. 2:1 cites the Orchot Chaim who writes that a person shouldn't break a shidduch for money and should just be happy with whatever money they get as a dowry. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 clarifies that although it is permitted to marry for money if she's permitted to him, it is forbidden to decide not to marry someone because they don't have money and delay getting married because of that. The Gra 2:6 disagrees and understands that the Orchot Chaim disagrees with the Rivash, and in fact would forbid getting married for money even to a woman he’s permitted to.</ref> However, if the prospective spouse has good middot and is a good shidduch, the fact that money is another factor in the equation is of no consequence.<ref>Aruch Hashulchan 2:1 writes that there is nothing wrong with considering money as a factor as long as it isn’t the only factor. This is also evident in Gra 2:7 that if he would have married her anyway he is also allowed to consider the money. [https://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/720309/rabbi-hershel-schachter/mussar-schmooze-on-dating/shidduchim/ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3-6)] explains that while Chazal say terrible things about someone who marries for money, if the shidduch is a good one, the fact that she has money isn’t something to hold against her. He cautions about the type of lifestyle you’re getting into if you marry into a rich family and how it might impact the marriage if it is so different from the lifestyle you’re used to.</ref> Like anything tangible in life, money can come and go. Therefore, one shouldn’t weigh money or prominence too highly when considering a shidduch.<ref>Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 8) relates that the Maharal of Prague attributed his success in Torah learning to the following incident. He was originally engaged to a woman and his prospective father-in-law promised a nice dowry that would enable him to continue learning Torah after his marriage. In those days, it was very common and customary to have large dowries for a son-in-law to be able to learn for some time after marriage. Shortly thereafter, the father-in-law’s business fell on hard times and it became clear that he couldn’t afford giving them a generous dowry. The Maharal reassured his father-in-law that he would marry her anyway as their honor was more important to him than money. Hashem rewarded this decision: One day when his wife was selling rolls in the market, a man left his coat there, which they found was filled with jewels. The man never returned to claim the coat and they were able to use the jewels to support the Maharal’s learning.</ref> | ||
#If a shidduch was made and a dowry was agreed upon, but then the father-in-law backs out of the dowry, the chatan shouldn't keep his kallah tied up and fight over the dowry money. If he does so, he won't be successful and ultimately it will damage their marriage if they do get married. Rather, he should just happily take whatever dowry they offer.<ref>Rama EH 2:1. Rama writes that anyone who fights over the dowry is considered getting married for money and receives all the curses Chazal said about one who marries for money. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 explains that although Rivash wrote that it isn't considered marrying for money if she is permitted, that is only if there's no disputes. However, once he fights over the dowry even though she is permitted it is considered marrying for money. Gra 2:7 argues that in fact this part of the Rama represents the Orchot Chaim who disputes the Rivash. Rivash holds that marrying for money is only a problem if she's forbidden, while Orchot Chaim holds it is a problem even if she is permitted.</ref> | #If a shidduch was made and a dowry was agreed upon, but then the father-in-law backs out of the dowry, the chatan shouldn't keep his kallah tied up and fight over the dowry money. If he does so, he won't be successful and ultimately it will damage their marriage if they do get married. Rather, he should just happily take whatever dowry they offer.<ref>Rama EH 2:1. Rama writes that anyone who fights over the dowry is considered getting married for money and receives all the curses Chazal said about one who marries for money. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 explains that although Rivash wrote that it isn't considered marrying for money if she is permitted, that is only if there's no disputes. However, once he fights over the dowry even though she is permitted it is considered marrying for money. Gra 2:7 argues that in fact this part of the Rama represents the Orchot Chaim who disputes the Rivash. Rivash holds that marrying for money is only a problem if she's forbidden, while Orchot Chaim holds it is a problem even if she is permitted.</ref> | ||
#A shouldn't hold himself back from getting married because he is waiting for an arranged marriage to a wealthy family.<ref>Chelkat Mechokek 2:1, Bet Shmuel 2:2</ref> This is true even if he's poor and needs the money.<Ref>Pitchei Teshuva 2:1 citing Chatom Sofer</ref> | #A shouldn't hold himself back from getting married because he is waiting for an arranged marriage to a wealthy family.<ref>Chelkat Mechokek 2:1, Bet Shmuel 2:2</ref> This is true even if he's poor and needs the money.<Ref>Pitchei Teshuva 2:1 citing Chatom Sofer</ref> | ||
===Marrying a Bat Kohen=== | ===Marrying a Bat Kohen=== | ||
# Kohanim have a special status in klal yisrael and it is fitting for a bat kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is another crown comparable to kehuna. Someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.<ref>Gemara Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:31, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:8. Chavot Yair 70 tangentially writes that nowadays we don't have an am haaretz for these purposes. Pitchei Teshuva YD 217:16, EH 2:9 and Machasit Hashekel 415:1 cite the Chavot Yair. Mishna Brurah 415:2 quotes the Chavot Yair and qualifies it that if a person degrades mitzvot they are certainly in the category of am haaretz even today. Aruch Hashulchan EH 2:5 agrees. | # Kohanim have a special status in klal yisrael and it is fitting for a bat kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is another crown comparable to kehuna. Someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.<ref>Gemara Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:31, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:8. Chavot Yair 70 tangentially writes that nowadays we don't have an am haaretz for these purposes. Pitchei Teshuva YD 217:16, EH 2:9 and Machasit Hashekel 415:1 cite the Chavot Yair. Mishna Brurah 415:2 quotes the Chavot Yair and qualifies it that if a person degrades mitzvot they are certainly in the category of am haaretz even today. Aruch Hashulchan EH 2:5 agrees. | ||
