Kiddushin: Difference between revisions
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==Nesuin before Kiddushin== | ==Nesuin before Kiddushin== | ||
# Is it possible to have a Nesuin before Kiddushin? It is a major dispute in the Achronim.<ref>The Masat Binyamin (responsa 90), student of the Rama, writes that it is obvious that chupa is ineffective before Kiddushin. The Bet Shmuel 64:6 adopts this view. The Mishna L’Melech (Ishut 10:2), however, argues because the Ramban (Kiddushin 10a s.v. veha), Rashba (s.v. iy), Ritva (s.v. iybaya) clearly hold that chupa is effective even if the Kiddushin only takes place afterwards. Rav Yohanatan Eibishitz in Bnei Ahuva (Ishut 10:2) answers for the Masat Binyamin, though he favors the opinion of the Mishna Lemelech. See further Pitchei Teshuva EH 61:1. Of interesting note is the Mordechai (Ketubot no. 132) who explains the text of the sheva brachot “chupa v’Kiddushin” to indicate that the order is of no consequence.</ref> | # Is it possible to have a Nesuin before Kiddushin? It is a major dispute in the Achronim.<ref>The Masat Binyamin (responsa 90), student of the Rama, writes that it is obvious that chupa is ineffective before Kiddushin. The Bet Shmuel 64:6 adopts this view. The Mishna L’Melech (Ishut 10:2), however, argues because the Ramban (Kiddushin 10a s.v. veha), Rashba (s.v. iy), Ritva (s.v. iybaya) clearly hold that chupa is effective even if the Kiddushin only takes place afterwards. Rav Yohanatan Eibishitz in Bnei Ahuva (Ishut 10:2) answers for the Masat Binyamin, though he favors the opinion of the Mishna Lemelech. See further Pitchei Teshuva EH 61:1. Of interesting note is the Mordechai (Ketubot no. 132) who explains the text of the sheva brachot “chupa v’Kiddushin” to indicate that the order is of no consequence.</ref> | ||
==Marrying a Bat Kohen== | ==Who to Marry== | ||
===Forbidden Marriages=== | |||
# A person should be very careful not to marry a woman who is forbidden to him in any way. Anyone who marries someone who is forbidden to him is cursed that he will have wayward children.<ref>Kiddushin 70a, Rashi s.v. sheina, Rivash 15, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:1</ref> For example, this applies to a yisrael marrying a mamzeret or kohen marrying a challala.<ref>Bet Shmuel 2:1</ref> | |||
# If someone who is going to marry someone who is forbidden to him, his relatives could and should encourage him not to go through with it. If he doesn't listen the relatives should do something so that they remember that he married someone forbidden and his descendants shouldn't get mixed up with theirs.<ref>Rama 2:1 quoting Ran</ref> | |||
===Marrying for Money=== | |||
While technically permitted,<ref> The Gemara Kiddushin 70a curses anyone who marries for money that his children will have bad character traits. Based on Rashi, the Rivash 15 writes that the gemara's curse only applies when the woman in question is forbidden to him and he wants to marry her nonetheless for her money. However, if she's otherwise permitted to him, it is permissible even if his intention is for money. Rama E.H. 2:1 codifies the Rivash.</ref> it is ill-advised to marry purely for money.<ref> Rama E.H. 2:1 cites the Orchot Chaim who writes that a person shouldn't break a shidduch for money and should just be happy with whatever money they get as a dowry. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 clarifies that although it is permitted to marry for money if she's permitted to him, it is forbidden to decide not to marry someone because they don't have money and delay getting married because of that. The Gra 2:6 disagrees and understands that the Orchot Chaim disagrees with the Rivash, and in fact would forbid getting married for money even to a woman he’s permitted to.</ref> However, if the prospective spouse has good middot and is a good shidduch, the fact that money is another factor in the equation is of no consequence.<ref>Aruch Hashulchan 2:1 writes that there is nothing wrong with considering money as a factor as long as it isn’t the only factor. This is also evident in Gra 2:7 that if he would have married her anyway he is also allowed to consider the money. [https://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/720309/rabbi-hershel-schachter/mussar-schmooze-on-dating/shidduchim/ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3-6)] explains that while Chazal say terrible things about someone who marries for money, if the shidduch is a good one, the fact that she has money isn’t something to hold against her. He cautions about the type of lifestyle you’re getting into if you marry into a rich family and how it might impact the marriage if it is so different from the lifestyle you’re used to.</ref> Like anything tangible in life, money can come and go. Therefore, one shouldn’t weigh money or prominence too highly when considering a shidduch.<ref>Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 8) relates that the Maharal of Prague attributed his success in Torah learning to the following incident. He was originally engaged to a woman and his prospective father-in-law promised a nice dowry that would enable him to continue learning Torah after his marriage. In those days, it was very common and customary to have large dowries for a son-in-law to be able to learn for some time after marriage. Shortly thereafter, the father-in-law’s business fell on hard times and it became clear that he couldn’t afford giving them a generous dowry. The Maharal reassured his father-in-law that he would marry her anyway as their honor was more important to him than money. Hashem rewarded this decision: One day when his wife was selling rolls in the market, a man left his coat there, which they found was filled with jewels. The man never returned to claim the coat and they were able to use the jewels to support the Maharal’s learning.</ref> | |||
#If a shidduch was made and a dowry was agreed upon, but then the father-in-law backs out of the dowry, the chatan shouldn't keep his kallah tied up and fight over the dowry money. If he does so, he won't be successful and ultimately it will damage their marriage if they do get married. Rather, he should just happily take whatever dowry they offer.<ref>Rama EH 2:1. Rama writes that anyone who fights over the dowry is considered getting married for money and receives all the curses Chazal said about one who marries for money. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 explains that although Rivash wrote that it isn't considered marrying for money if she is permitted, that is only if there's no disputes. However, once he fights over the dowry even though she is permitted it is considered marrying for money. Gra 2:7 argues that in fact this part of the Rama represents the Orchot Chaim who disputes the Rivash. Rivash holds that marrying for money is only a problem if she's forbidden, while Orchot Chaim holds it is a problem even if she is permitted.</ref> | |||
#A shouldn't hold himself back from getting married because he is waiting for an arranged marriage to a wealthy family.<ref>Chelkat Mechokek 2:1, Bet Shmuel 2:2</ref> This is true even if he's poor and needs the money.<Ref>Pitchei Teshuva 2:1 citing Chatom Sofer</ref> | |||
===Marrying a Bat Kohen=== | |||
# Kohanim have a special status in klal yisrael and it is fitting for a bat kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is another crown comparable to kehuna. Someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.<ref>Gemara Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:31, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:8. Chavot Yair 70 tangentially writes that nowadays we don't have an am haaretz for these purposes. Pitchei Teshuva YD 217:16, EH 2:9 and Machasit Hashekel 415:1 cite the Chavot Yair. Mishna Brurah 415:2 quotes the Chavot Yair and qualifies it that if a person degrades mitzvot they are certainly in the category of am haaretz even today. Aruch Hashulchan EH 2:5 agrees. | # Kohanim have a special status in klal yisrael and it is fitting for a bat kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is another crown comparable to kehuna. Someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.<ref>Gemara Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:31, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:8. Chavot Yair 70 tangentially writes that nowadays we don't have an am haaretz for these purposes. Pitchei Teshuva YD 217:16, EH 2:9 and Machasit Hashekel 415:1 cite the Chavot Yair. Mishna Brurah 415:2 quotes the Chavot Yair and qualifies it that if a person degrades mitzvot they are certainly in the category of am haaretz even today. Aruch Hashulchan EH 2:5 agrees. | ||
* The Sdei Chemed (Asifat Dinim, Maarechet Ishut, v. 4 p. 729, n. 36) quotes several achronim who assume unlike the Chavot Yair and wonders why. Firstly, he cites the Tzemech Tzedek 11 who writes that someone who knows one masechet isn't an am haaretz. He says we do have am haaretz today but we can allow an am haaretz to marry a bat kohen since it isn't clear that we have kohanim meyuchasim today. Ruach Chaim 2:3 also assumes we have am haaretz today. He says that it isn't advised and if he's asked he recommends against but doesn't say it is forbidden. China Vchisda v. 2 p. 228c s.v. heneh disagrees with the Chavot Yair because he didn't have any proofs. He also notes that a chalala doesn't have the status of a bat kohen for this discussion. Lastly, Yemey Shlomo Isurei Biya 21 also assumes we have am haaretz today. </ref> | * The Sdei Chemed (Asifat Dinim, Maarechet Ishut, v. 4 p. 729, n. 36) quotes several achronim who assume unlike the Chavot Yair and wonders why. Firstly, he cites the Tzemech Tzedek 11 who writes that someone who knows one masechet isn't an am haaretz. He says we do have am haaretz today but we can allow an am haaretz to marry a bat kohen since it isn't clear that we have kohanim meyuchasim today. Ruach Chaim 2:3 also assumes we have am haaretz today. He says that it isn't advised and if he's asked he recommends against but doesn't say it is forbidden. China Vchisda v. 2 p. 228c s.v. heneh disagrees with the Chavot Yair because he didn't have any proofs. He also notes that a chalala doesn't have the status of a bat kohen for this discussion. Lastly, Yemey Shlomo Isurei Biya 21 also assumes we have am haaretz today. </ref> | ||
===Bat Talmid Chacham=== | |||
#A person should endeavor to marry a bat talmid chacham and not a bat am haaretz.<ref>Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:32, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:6. Taz 2:3 derives from Rashi 49b s.v. am that if she values torah and would want her husband to learn Torah, then it is permitted to marry her. Birkei Yosef 2:4 extends this further to where she doesn't value Torah but allows him to learn because she comes from a wealthy family.</ref> | #A person should endeavor to marry a bat talmid chacham and not a bat am haaretz.<ref>Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:32, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:6. Taz 2:3 derives from Rashi 49b s.v. am that if she values torah and would want her husband to learn Torah, then it is permitted to marry her. Birkei Yosef 2:4 extends this further to where she doesn't value Torah but allows him to learn because she comes from a wealthy family.</ref> | ||
===Checking into Yichus=== | |||
# The strict halacha is that in general it isn't necessary to check into the yichus of families when choosing a spouse to see if there's any reason that the marriage would be forbidden.<Ref>Bet Yosef cites three views on the topic: | |||
* Rashi and Ramah hold that everyone should check into the lineage of their potential spouse before getting married to ensure that they're Jewish and not forbidden to marry. | |||
* Rabbenu Tam and Rambam argue that it isn't absolutely necessary. Rather there is an assumption that all families are permitted unless there was reason for suspicion. Only kohanim must check into the families of potential spouses before getting married because there are more prohibited marriages for kohanim. | |||
* Tur suggests that perhaps even kohanim do not need to check the lineage of their potential spouse, but has reservations about this. | |||
* Halacha: Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:2 codifies the opinion of Rambam.</ref> | |||
# If there is a family who people don't know, some poskim hold that it is necessary to check about their lineage before marrying into their family to ensure that they aren't mamzerim.<Ref>Bet Shmuel 2:3 cites Maggid Mishna who has two interpretations of the Rambam with the practical application being whether it is necessary to check lineage before marriage. Bet Shmuel explains that even the interpretation that is strict if people don't know this family.</ref> Other poskim hold that it isn't necessary. He proves this from siman 3:1. Pitchei Teshuva 2:2 quotes Shaar Hamelech who disagrees with the Bet Shmuel that checking lineage even for a family that is unknown to a community is unnecessary. Yabia Omer EH 7:1 agrees with Shaar Hamelech and quotes others who agree. Bet Hillel 2:2 agrees with Bet Shmuel and writes that this was the minhag in Lithuania.<Ref> | |||
# If there is a rumor spread by two kosher witnesses who testified that a mamzer, challal, or slave got mixed into a certain family, there is a concern about their lineage and people should check their lineage before marrying in.<Ref>Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:3</ref> | |||
===Suspicious Lineage Due to Bad Middot=== | |||
# Two families who are constantly fighting, two people who constantly fight, a single family who constantly fight, or an individual who fights with everyone and is very brazen, have suspicious lineage and a person should distance themselves from marrying such people.<Ref>Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:2. Bet Shmuel 2:4 writes that a kohen who is brazen isn't suspected unless he is brazen and fights.</ref> | |||
#Someone who always says that others are mamzerim, is suspected that he is a mamzer.<Ref>Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:2</ref> | |||
#Someone who is brazen, cruel, hateful, and doesn't do kindness to others, is suspicious that he isn't Jewish.<Ref>Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:2. Bet Shmuel 2:5 clarifies that the suspicion only exists if he has all these bad traits and not just one of them.</ref> | |||
==Sources== | ==Sources== | ||
