Kiddushin

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While today's engagement's only correspond to dating in a halachic sense[1], there is a process called Kiddushin which is the halachic act of engagement.[2] Once a woman is halachically engaged (mekudeshet), she may not marry anyone else unless she receives a halachic divorce (get) or if her husband dies.[3] If the husband dies without children, in certain cases, there is a mitzvah of Chalitza prior to remarrying.[4]

How to accomplish Kiddushin

  1. Kiddushin in theory could be accomplished in one of three ways: using money, a written document, or through marital relations.[5] However, accomplishing Kiddushin through marital relations is a deplorable practice and is strictly forbidden.[6]
  2. The minhag is to accomplish Kiddushin with money as opposed to a written document. [7]

Ritual results of Kiddushin

  1. Once a woman is halachically engaged, it is an extremely serious sin to have relations with anyone else.[8] Not only that, there are numerous safeguards some of which are Biblical and some of which are rabbinic which prevent a married woman from becoming too close with another man. These apply equally to a married and halachically engaged woman.[9]

Procedure of Kiddushin

  1. The minhag is to do Kiddushin with a ring.[10]
  2. Some say it is preferable not to do kiddushin at night. [11] During the winter this is usually impractical.[12]

Edim for Kiddushin

  1. It is proper to specify witnesses for the Kiddushin, however, if a mistake occurred and the witnesses were invalid, the marriage is valid as long as other kosher witnesses were watching.[13]

Procedure of Tenayim

  1. The old minhag was to write the Tenayim at the time of engagement in order to impose a monetary penalty on the party that backs out from the marriage. However, today it isn't written at all or only written immediately before marriage. [14]
  2. For those who write tenayim prior to the wedding, here's a text according to Rav Moshe Feinstein and the text of other gedolim: Nitai Gavriel Nesuin v. 1 p. 377.

The Beracha for Kiddushin (Birkat Erusin)

ברוך אתה ה' אלקנו מלך העולם אשר קדשנו במצותיו וצונו על העריות[15] ואסר לנו את הארוסות ותיר לנו את הנשואות לנו על ידי חופה ב\וקידושין[16] ברוך אתה ה' מקדש עמו ישראל על ידי חופה ב\וקידושין

  1. One should make the Beracha before giving the Kallah the ring.[17]
  1. The Minhag is that the Mesader Kiddushin is the one who makes the Beracha.[18]
  1. One should make Birkat Erusin over a cup of wine. If there is no wine available, one may use Shechar. If there is neither wine nor Shechar available, one may make Birkat Erusin without them. [19]

Sources

  1. ↑ See Mishna Brurah 493:3
  2. ↑ Kiddushin 2a, Rambam (Ishut 1:2)
  3. ↑ Mishna Kiddushin 2a, Rambam (Gerushin 1:1)
  4. ↑ Rambam (Yibum 1:2)
  5. ↑ Mishna Kiddushin 2a, Rambam (Ishut 1:2), Shulchan Aruch 26:4
  6. ↑ The Gemara Kiddushin 12b records Rav's insistence on not accomplishing Kiddushin with martial relations that he would give lashes to anyone who did such. Rashi (s.v. derav) and Rambam (Ishut 3:21) explain that the reason it is deplorable is because it is licentious. Shulchan Aruch EH 26:4 codifies this as halacha.
  7. ↑ Rambam (Ishut 3:21). Rav Schachter in a shiur on yutorah ("Hilchos Siddur Kiddushin", min 4) explained that the reason we do so is because we are registering our compliance with chazal and disagreement with the karaites who didn't accept Kiddushin through money. Nitai Gavriel (Nesuin v. 1, p. 24-5) offers kabbalistic reasons for why we do Kiddushin with money as opposed to a written document.
  8. ↑ Vayikra 20:10, Rambam (Ishut 1:3)
  9. ↑ With regards to Yichud, see Avoda Zara 36b. Regarding the numerous other separations between men and women, such as touching, staring inappropriately, speaking together inappropriately, listening to her voice, or even thinking about her inappropriately, see the Appropriate Interaction between Men and Women page.
  10. ↑ Shulchan Aruch EH 31:2
  11. ↑ Beer Heitev EH 26:4 quoting the Reem and Knesset HaGedola. See also Tosfot Ketubot 2a s.v. LeYom.
  12. ↑ Rav Schachter Ketubot shiur 54 (min 30-7) said that it is recommended to get married during the day, but during the winter it is impractical and personally his wedding (officiated by Rav Moshe Feinstein) was during the winter and during the night.
  13. ↑ Nefesh HaRav (p. 261). See Chatom Sofer EH 100, Achiezer EH 27. see also From_The_Rabbi's_Desk_-_Wedding_Questions by Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz
  14. ↑ Rav Schachter in "Seder Kiddushin and Nesuin" (min 1-2)
  15. ↑ The Rambam's text (Hil' Ishut 3:23) reads והבדילנו נן העריות, and it is quoted in the Beit Yosef (34:1), but not Shulchan Aruch.
  16. ↑ The Ran (Ketubot 7b) quotes the Baal HaIttur that the proper text of the Beracha is בקידושין and not וקידושין. The mistake arose because in this case they're pronounced the same way and people confused the two. His opinion is quoted by the Beit Yosef (34:1) and incorporated into Shulchan Aruch. The Rama writes that their Minhag is to say וקידושין.
  17. ↑ Like all Birkot HaMitzvah, the Beracha must be made before doing the Mitzvah (Pesachim 7b). The Rif (Sh"T 293) and Rambam (Hilchot Ishut 3:23) write that it would be a Beracha Levatala to make the Beracha after the Kiddushin. However, many Rishonim, including Rav Shererah Gaon (Tur 34:4), Tosafot beShem Rabbeinu Tam (Pesachim 7b), Rashba (Ketubot 7b), Raavad (ibid.), She'etot (16), Tosafot Rid (Ketubot 7a), Tosafot HaRosh (Pesachim 7b), Maggid Mishneh (who really agrees with the Rambam, but says the Minhag is not like him), and Ramach, hold that one should make the Beracha afterwards, as it's a Birkat HaShevach. Additionally, it's Teluya beDaat Acherim, meaning that it depends on the woman agreeing, so, if she doesn't, one just made a Beracha Levatala.
    • The Rosh (Ketubot 1:12) first brings the opinion of the Rif that one must make the Beracha before, but he then brings the latter opinion and doesn't explicitly take sides. On the other hand, In his Teshuvot (Kllal 26) he explicitly sides with the Rif. The Korban Netanel (2) suggests that the Rosh must really hold like the Rif, but brought the latter opinion to indicate thar if one did forget to make the Beracha before the Kiddushin, there is what to rely on to make it afterwards. The Beit Shmuel (34:4) and Chelkat Mechokek (34:2) both assume like this, as well, though they make no reference to the Rosh.
    • The Beit Yosef (34:1b) assumes that the Rosh holds entirely Rif; therefore, since all three Amudei HaHoraah agree, this is the position he writes in Shulchan Aruch (34:1). The Bach takes issue with the Beit Yosef's understanding of the Rosh, as the Rosh himself (later, in 1:17) brings the opinion of Rav Nissim Gaon that one can still make Birkat Erusin up until the Nissuin. The Chiddushei Hagahot (on that Beit Yosef, printed in the Shirat Devorah Tur) raises an important issue in Kllalei HaPesak. He refers to the Kllal brought by the Tur (CM 72) that when faced with a contradiction between the Piskei haRosh and the Teshuvot HaRosh, we follow the Pesakim, so the Shulchan Aruch should've taken this into account. However, the Beit Yosef himself doesn't agree to the rule (YD 169; 201), and it's not totally clear that the Rosh changed his mind in the Pesakim. Additionally, there is little to no practical ramification, as it would be a Machaloket Amudei Horaah of 2 vs. 1, where he would just pasken against the Rosh. See further Sh"T Rambam 101, Rambam Hilchot Berachot 5:5, Sh"T Tashbetz (2:27), Meiri (Pesachim 7b), Hagahot Rabbi Akiva Eiger (YD 19:1).
    • As referenced above, there are a number of Rishonim who were of the opinion that one may make the Birkat Erusin until the Nissuin, as the Biblical permisibility of one to his wife accomplished through the Erusin has not yet ended, similar to one's ability to make Birkat HaMazon as long as the food has not been fully digested in his body. Those Rishonim include the Hagahot Maimoniot (Hil' Ishut 3, 60), Hagahot Asheri (Ketubot 1:12), Rav Nissim Gaon and Rabbeinu Yonah (quoted in the Rosh Ketubot 1:17, Tur 34), the Rivash (Sh"T 82), Mordechai (Ketubot 1:131), Rama (34:1). See Mishneh LeMelech (Hil' Ishut 3). As it does "look" like a Beracha Levatala, when one makes Birkat Erusin at Nissuin, some Rishonim (Sh"t HaRivash 88, R' Peretz quoted in Beit Yosef 34:3, See Darkei Moshe 34:6) suggest redoing the Maaseh Kiddushin. Others even say one should repeat the Beracha (Rabbeinu Nissim quoted in Beit Yosef 34:3, Kol Bo quoted in Darkei Moshe 34:6,7), especially if he did the original Kiddushin through a Shaliach. The former Rishonim said that would be a Beracha Levatala, and one should only say the Beracha without Shem uMalchut. The Rama (34:4) paskens like the Rivash. It is unclear why they didn't think that was a Hefsek between HaGefen and drinking.
  18. ↑ The Rama (34:1) writes that even though when one does a Mitzvah himself and not through a Shaliach he makes the Beracha himself, in order not to embarrass one who does not know how to make a Beracha, the Minhag developed that someone else makes the Beracha.
    • With regards to making Birkat Erusin via a Shaliach, See Tosafot Ketubot 7b and Tur 34:1 who says the Shaliach makes the Beracha. The Rambam (Hil' Ishut 3:23) says that either one may makes the Beracha. Shulchan Aruch (34:1) sounds like one makes the Beracha himself regardless, and there the Rama makes his above comment. See Magen Avraham OC 432:6, Meiri beginning of second Perek of Kiddushin, Darkei Moshe (34:7, 35:1, and 62:7).
  19. ↑ Rambam (Hil' Ishut 3:24), Maggid Mishneh (ibid.), Shulchan Aruch 34:2, Darkei Moshe 34:7. This is only true by Birkat Erusin, not Sheva Berachot
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