Kibud Av V'Em

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Honoring (Kibud Av V'Em) and being in awe (Moreh Av V'Em) of one's parents are positive mitzvot. [1] One should be very careful in honoring one's parents as the Torah compares honoring one's parents to honoring Hashem and in some respects is greater.[2]

General guidelines to the Mitzvah

  1. When fulfilling this mitzvah, one should realize that one is doing so in order to fulfill a mitzvah and not simply because it is logical and moral. [3]
  2. There is no bracha for the mitzvah of Kibud Av V'Em. Some explain that the reason is because the actions done by a Jew to fulfill the mitzvah are the same ones a non-Jew would do to honor his parents as a moral obligation. Since the primary difference between a Jew and non-Jew who take such actions is the intent, for such an action one may not say "Asher Kideshanu" - we were commanded in this specific action. [4]
  3. In principle, the mitzvah of honoring and having awe applies equally to one's father as it does to one's mother.[5] However, if one's parents are married, honoring one's father takes precedence since one's mother also has to honor one's father.[6]
  4. If one's parents ask him to violate some from the Torah or even something that is only rabbanically forbidden, one should not listen to them.[7]
  5. In principle, a man and woman are equally obligated in honoring or being in awe of one's parents. If a woman is married, however, she is exempt from honoring her parents. Yet, if her husband isn't meticulous, she is obligated to honor her parents as much as possible. [8]

Honoring one's parents

  1. Included in honoring one's parents is feeding, dressing, and helping them walk. When one is doing such an activity, one should do it with a smile. [9]
  2. If one sees one's parent do a sin, one shouldn't say "you sinned" but rather "father, doesn't it say in Torah such and such?" in a question form and the parent will understand and not be embarrassed. [10]
  3. If one's parents tells them to violate a Biblical or even a rabbinic prohibition, one shouldn't listen to one's parent.[11]

Standing for One's Parents

  1. One must stand before one's mother and father[12] unless they forgo this honor.[13]
  2. One should stand for one's parent once he enters one's eyesight.[14]
  3. According to Ashkenazim one only needs to stand once a day and once a night.[15] According to Sephardim, one should stand every time a parent enters the room even if it is a hundred times a day.[16]

Calling Your Parents by Name

  1. It is forbidden to call your parents by their name.[17]
  2. One may not call one's friends by the name of one's father but rather should call them by a nickname. If one's parent's name is common one may call one's friend by that name not in front of one's parent.[18]
  3. If one's parent foregoes this honor, one may them by their name, yet there is still a mitzvah not to call them by their name. If one uses a term of honor such as Mom or Dad one may call them by their name.[19]

Honoring One's Step-Parents

  1. One is obligated to honor one's father's wife (step-mother) as long as one's father is alive. It is proper to honor her even after one's father's death. [20]
  2. One is obligated to honor one's mother's husband (step-father) as long as one's mother is alive. It is proper to honor him even after one's mother's death. [21]
  3. A convert should honor his non-Jewish parents and he may not curse his non-Jewish parents or disgrace them. [22]

Having Awe for One's Parents

  1. One shouldn't stand in the place where one's father usually stands to daven or sit in the place he usually sits at home.[23]
  2. One may not contradict his words or even say that one agrees with his words in front of him. [24]

Injuring One's Parents

  1. One shouldn't let blood or perform an amputation for one's parent unless there is no other doctor available and one's parent is in pain in which case it is permitted to do whatever one's parent gives him permission to do.[25] Similarly, if he's the best doctor available and one's parent wants him, then he may perform on his parent according to whatever one's parent gives him permission.[26]

If One's Parents Passed Away

  1. If one lost his parents, he can still perform some acts of kibbud after their death, He should also respect older people, rabbis, and older siblings in the manner that he would have respected his parents. [27]

Sources

  1. ↑ The Rambam counts both Kibud Av VeEm (Aseh #210) and Moreh Av VeEm (Aseh #211) as positive mitzvot. The Sefer Hachinuch (Mitzvah #33 and #212) agrees. Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1 codifies this as halacha.
  2. ↑ Gemara Kiddushin 30b and Bava Metsia 32a. This gemara is quoted by the Kitzur S"A 143:1 and Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1. Yerushalmi (Kiddushin 1:7) quotes Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai who says that Kibbud Av is greater than honoring Hashem! The Yerushalmi is referenced by the Ritva Bava Metsia 32a s.v. salka, Ran Kiddushin 13b, and Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1.
  3. ↑ Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:2-3
  4. ↑ Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:4
  5. ↑ Yalkut Yosef Hilchot Kibbud Va'em Pg. 66
  6. ↑ Gemara Kiddushin 31a, Tur 240, S"A YD 240:14, Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:7
  7. ↑ Gemara Bava Metsia 32a, Yevamot 5b, Rambam (Mamrim 6:12). S"A YD 240:15
  8. ↑ Kiddushin 30b, S"A YD 240:16, Shach YD 240:19, Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:38
  9. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:3
  10. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:10
  11. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:11
  12. ↑ Gemara Kiddushin 31b records Rav Yosef's practice to stand for his mother. Rambam Mamrim 6:3 writes that there is an obligation to stand for one's parents. Kitzur S"A 143:7 codifies this halacha.
  13. ↑ Rav Mordechai Eliyahu's comment on Kitzur S"A 143:7
  14. ↑ Chaye Adam 67:7, Chiddushei Rav Chaim HaLevi (Talmud Torah 5:1)
  15. ↑ Chaye Adam 67:7
  16. ↑ Yalkut Yosef (YD ch. 4 n. 8)
  17. ↑ Mar Bar Rav Ashi wouldn't call his father by his name and instead would say my father my master. Rambam Mamrim 6:3 rules that it is forbidden to call one's father by his personal name. S"A YD 240:2 codifies this as halacha.
  18. ↑ Rambam Mamrim 6:3, S"A YD 240:2
  19. ↑ Igrot Moshe YD 1:133
  20. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:20
  21. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:20
  22. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:22
  23. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:2
  24. ↑ Kitzur S"A 143:2
  25. ↑ Sanhedrin 85b, S"A and Rama YD 241:3
  26. ↑ Aruch HaShulchan 241:6
  27. ↑ Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Va'em pg. 65
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