Halachot of Dating: Difference between revisions

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== Dating ==
== Dating ==
The basic halachot of dating are a difficult balance. On one hand, the couple must be able to meet one another as such that they can feel comfortable establishing a home together. On the other hand, while the couple are unmarried they must be careful to abide by the full halachic restrictions of how a man and woman should behave. They cannot touch one another (shomer negiah) nor can they seclude themselves together (yichud). Further many communities have adopted different perspectives about social interaction between men and women.
The basic halachot of dating are a difficult balance. On one hand, the couple must be able to meet one another as such that they can feel comfortable establishing a home together. On the other hand, while the couple are unmarried they must be careful to abide by the full halachic restrictions of how a man and woman should behave. They cannot touch one another ([[Negiah|shomer negiah]]) nor can they seclude themselves together ([[yichud]]). Further many communities have adopted different perspectives about social interaction between men and women.


Because of the halachic difficulties posed by dating- different communities have established different standards on how to date. Communities have traditionally relied on a matchmaker while other communities have men ask out women.   Communities also have established clear practices on the length of time dating prior to engagement.
Because of the halachic difficulties posed by dating- different communities have established different standards on how to date. Communities have traditionally relied on a matchmaker, while other communities have men ask out women. Communities also have established clear practices on the length of time dating prior to engagement.


== Bashert ==
== Bashert ==
The Yiddish word "bashert" is used in Jewish folklore to mean that every man and woman has a preordained soulmate. "Bashert" literally means "fate" in Yiddish.<ref>Much sourcing and analysis for the following sections relies on the work Kafnita Debavel
The Yiddish word "''bashert''" is used in Jewish folklore to mean that every man and woman has a preordained soulmate. "''Bashert''" literally means "fate" in Yiddish.<ref>Much sourcing and analysis for the following sections relies on the work Kafnita Debavel


check out following article [https://www.torahmusings.com/2021/11/marriage-and-free-will/ marriage and free will]</ref>
[https://www.torahmusings.com/2021/11/marriage-and-free-will/ marriage and free will]


It is not so simple- among the Talmudic commentators there is a wide variety of opinion about how couples are designated for one another. In the opening of Masechet Sota the Talmud records that forty days before the birth of a child, a voice calls out from Mount Sinai and declares "this child will marry so- and so." The clear implication is that match's are preordained. However the Talmud also declares that couples are set up according to the character of the bride and groom. These two statements set up a contradiction over whether the match is preordained or based on one's behavior during their life.
[https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/598011/jewish/Marriage-Destiny-or-Chance.htm Marriage: Destiny or Chance]</ref>


Indeed, the idea of bashert is fundamentally problematic? How do we know we'll find the right person? Why can't we choose?
It is not so simple. Among the Talmudic commentators there is a wide variety of opinion about how couples are designated for one another. In the opening of Masechet Sotah (Sotah 2a)<ref>Sotah 2a</ref> the Talmud records that forty days before the birth of a child, a voice calls out from Mount Sinai and declares "this child will marry so- and so." The clear implication is that match's are preordained. However the Talmud also declares that couples are set up according to the character of the bride and groom. These two statements set up a contradiction over whether the match is preordained or based on one's behavior during their life.


Some argue that belief in a bashert contradicts man's free will and would result in people having a limited ability to perform the mitzvah of marriage. Therefore, they reject the idea of bashert completely and assert that everything is in the hands of individuals.<ref>Meiri Sotah 2a  
Indeed, the idea of ''bashert'' is fundamentally problematic? How do we know we'll find the right person? Why can't we choose?
 
Some argue that belief in a ''bashert'' contradicts man's free will and would result in people having a limited ability to perform the mitzvah of marriage. Therefore, they reject the idea of bashert completely and assert that everything is in the hands of individuals.<ref>Meiri Sotah 2a  


Shmoneh Perekim 8
Shmoneh Perekim 8
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Kovetz Mamrim page 41</ref>
Kovetz Mamrim page 41</ref>


Some understand individuals to be in full control of their choice of spouse. It is only that because it is so difficult for each man and woman to find someone who they like and in turn are liked by that Hashem assists.<ref>Tashbetz 2.1</ref> Were it not for Hashem to assist- the couple would not be able to be brought together.
Some understand individuals to be in full control of their choice of spouse. It is only that because it is so difficult for each man and woman to find someone who they like and in turn are liked by that Hashem assists.<ref>Tashbetz 2.1</ref> Were it not for Hashem to assist, the couple would not be able to be brought together.
 
In the view of the Zohar,<ref>Zohar I, 91b, 229a, quoted in Midrash Talpiot, anaf zivug


In the view of the Zohar, a soul exists of male and female halves that are placed into a man and woman respectively. When the right couple comes together, the soul is reunited. The Zohar says that the righteous are guaranteed that they will find their soul mate.
taken from chabad article quoted above</ref> a soul exists of male and female halves that are placed into a man and woman respectively. When the right couple comes together, the soul is reunited. The Zohar says that the righteous are guaranteed that they will find their soul mate.


== Dating and Its Difficulties ==
== Dating and Its Difficulties ==
The Gemara describes the process of matching a couple as difficult as "spliting the Yam Suf (Sea of Reads)."<ref>Sota 2a</ref> This enigmatic statement refer to the almost supernatural difficulties of match making. One understanding of this expression is that Hashem's role is as miraculous in the process of dating as in the process of taking the Jewish people from Egypt.<ref>Meiri Sotah 2a</ref>
The Gemara describes the process of matching a couple as difficult as "spliting the Yam Suf (Sea of Reads)."<ref>Sota 2a</ref> This enigmatic statement refer to the almost supernatural difficulties of match making. One understanding of this expression is that Hashem's role is as miraculous in the process of dating as in the process of taking the Jewish people from Egypt.<ref>Meiri Sotah 2a</ref>
==Preliminaries to Dating==
# It is smart and highly encouraged to do genetic screening before getting married and preferably even before going out.<ref>Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe E.H. 4:10) wrote that it is proper and wise to check for Tay-Sachs disease to prevent a major tragedy of having a child with Tay-Sachs. He adds that it should be done in private. Also, people shouldn't do it before they begin dating so that it doesn't cause unnecessary stress.</ref> If the genetics aren’t compatible, one shouldn’t get married. The YU roshei yeshiva advocate testing for as many diseases as possible and not just the fatal or seriously debilitating ones, so that one doesn’t risk avoidable medical issues.<ref>Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 15) explained that it is best to test for as many diseases as possible and not just the fatal or seriously debilitating ones. See The Mandate of Genetic Testing by Rabbi Dr. Edward Reichman on this issue, with the attached letter signed by all the YU Roshei Yeshiva advocating for genetic testing before getting married and preferably before dating.</ref>
== Looking at a Shidduch Picture ==
# Many say that it isn't appropriate for a boy to demand a shidduch picture before going out.<ref>[https://www.5tjt.com/shidduch-pictures-rav-chaim-and-a-new-perspective/ Shidduch Pictures Rav Yair Hoffman]Rav Hoffman quotes that Chabiner Rav, Rav Dovid Feinstein, Rav Moshe Heinemann, Rav Shmuel Fuerst, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky as all expressing disapproval of the practice of Shidduch pictures because either it doesn't give the girl a fair chance, pictures can be deceiving, and it isn't tzanua for a girl to be giving out her picture.
[[Halachot of Dating&oldid=33140#cite%20ref-4|↑]]</ref>
== What Sort of Girl to Look for==
===Looks===
A person shouldn’t look for a “movie-star” and focus too much on physical looks. The most important thing to look for is yirat shamayim. This message is encapsulated eloquently in the pasuk “תתהלל היא' ה יראת אישה היופי והבל החן שקר” “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that fears Hashem, she should be praised” (Mishlei 31:30).<ref>Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3- 7).</ref>
=== Money===
While technically permitted,<ref>The Gemara Kiddushin 70a curses anyone who marries for money that his children will have bad character traits. Based on Rashi, the Rivash 15 writes that the gemara's curse only applies when the woman in question is forbidden to him and he wants to marry her nonetheless for her money. However, if she's otherwise permitted to him, it is permissible even if his intention is for money. Rama E.H. 2:1 codifies the Rivash.</ref> it is ill-advised to marry purely for money.<ref>Rama E.H. 2:1 cites the Orchot Chaim who writes that a person shouldn't break a shidduch for money and should just be happy with whatever money they get as a dowry. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 clarifies that although it is permitted to marry for money if she's permitted to him, it is forbidden to decide not to marry someone because they don't have money and delay getting married because of that. The Gra 2:6 disagrees and understands that the Orchot Chaim disagrees with the Rivash, and in fact would forbid getting married for money even to a woman he’s permitted to.</ref> However, if the prospective spouse has good middot and is a good shidduch, the fact that money is another factor in the equation is of no consequence.<ref>Aruch Hashulchan 2:1 writes that there is nothing wrong with considering money as a factor as long as it isn’t the only factor. Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3-6) explains that while Chazal say terrible things about someone who marries for money, if the shidduch is a good one, the fact that she has money isn’t something to hold against her. He cautions about the type of lifestyle you’re getting into if you marry into a rich family and how it might impact the marriage if it is so different from the lifestyle you’re used to.</ref> Like anything tangible in life, money can come and go. Therefore, one shouldn’t weigh money or prominence too highly when considering a shidduch.<ref>Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 8) relates that the Maharal of Prague attributed his success in Torah learning to the following incident. He was originally engaged to a woman and his prospective father-in-law promised a nice dowry that would enable him to continue learning Torah after his marriage. In those days, it was very common and customary to have large dowries for a son-in-law to be able to learn for some time after marriage. Shortly thereafter, the father-in-law’s business fell on hard times and it became clear that he couldn’t afford giving them a generous dowry. The Maharal reassured his father-in-law that he would marry her anyway as their honor was more important to him than money. Hashem rewarded this decision: One day when his wife was selling rolls in the market, a man left his coat there, which they found was filled with jewels. The man never returned to claim the coat and they were able to use the jewels to support the Maharal’s learning.</ref>
=== בת תלמיד חכם===
The Gemara encourages a man to sell everything he has in order to marry a woman who is a בת תלמיד חכם <ref>Gemara Pesachim 49b, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:32 and Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:6</ref>
Usually that is translated as a daughter of a talmid chacham. However, some explain that this means a female equivalent of a talmid chacham, meaning a woman who has learned Torah.<ref>Chazon Ish (quoted by Rav Eliyahu Baruch Finkel on Beresheet p. 417)</ref> Others understand that this includes a woman who appreciates Torah and will encourage her husband to become a talmid chacham.<ref>Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 9). See also Rashi Pesachim 49b s.v. am, Taz E.H. 2:3, and Birkei Yosef 2:4.</ref> Alternatively, the point of the gemara is that one should marry into a family that values Torah so that one’s children will be raised to learn Torah. It doesn’t matter whether her father actually is a talmid chacham or not as long as she values Torah.<ref>Michtam Pesachim 49a s.v. muvtach, Rav Elyashiv (Pesachim 49a s.v. v’isa)</ref>
===בת כהן===
Kohanim have a special status among the Jewish people and it is fitting for the daughter of a kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is considered a “crown” comparable to the “crown” of kehuna. Though we aren’t necessarily so strict about this, someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.<ref>Gemara Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:31, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:8. These sources indicate that an am ha’aretz, an irreligious Jew, may not marry a bat kohen. Chavot Yair 70 writes that nowadays we don't have an am ha'aretz for these purposes and anyone can marry a bat kohen. Pitchei Teshuva Y.D. 217:16, E.H. 2:9 and Machatzit Hashekel 415:1 cite the Chavot Yair. Mishna Brurah 415:2 quotes the Chavot Yair but qualifies that if a person degrades mitzvot they are certainly in the category of am ha'aretz even today and may not marry a bat kohen. Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 2:5 agrees with the Chavot Yair. Firstly, he cites the Tzemach Tzedek 11 who writes that someone who knows even one masechet isn't an am ha'aretz. Tzemach Tzedek concludes that although amei ha'aretz still exist today, we can allow them to marry a bat kohen since it isn't clear that we have kohanim who have clear lineage today. Ruach Chaim 2:3 also assumes we have amei ha'aretz today. He advises against marrying a bat kohen but doesn't say it is forbidden. Cheena V’chisda v. 2 p. 228c s.v. heneh and Yemey Shlomo Isurei Biyah 21 disagree with the Chavot Yair. Rav Ovadia Yosef in Yabia Omer Y.D. 3:7:1 and Yechave Daat 5:61 says that a ben yeshiva can certainly marry a bat kohen and doesn’t have to be concerned that he’s not a talmid chacham. Yalkut Yosef E.H. 1:20 recommends that someone who doesn’t keep Shabbat should be talked out of marrying a bat kohen unless they become a complete baal teshuva</ref>
===Aliya<ref>Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 10)</ref>===
Even if a person wants to make aliya, Rav Schachter suggests that he look for a religious young woman here and determine later if aliya is possible. If not, it is more important to marry a suitable young woman than to make aliya.


== Parental Objections ==
== Parental Objections ==
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==Looking at One's Date==
==Looking at One's Date==
# It is a mitzvah for a man to see the woman he intends to marry<ref>Kiddushin 41a</ref>
# It is a mitzvah for a man to see the woman he intends to marry.<ref>Kiddushin 41a</ref>
# Generally speaking it is normally forbidden for a man to look closely at a woman. However, when it comes to dating a man is permitted to look closely at a woman in order to see he is attracted to her.<ref>Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:3, Shulchan Aruch EH 21:3, Nitai Gavriel Shidduchim p. 84</ref> However, he may not look in an inappropriate way (derech zenut).<ref>Shulchan Aruch E.H. 21:3, Shevet Halevi 5:200</ref> It is considered inappropriate for a man to stare solely for the purpose of deriving pleasure from the woman's beauty.<ref>Otzar HaPoskim Even Haezer 23 footnote 31</ref>
# Generally speaking it is normally forbidden for a man to look closely at a woman. However, when it comes to dating a man is permitted to look closely at a woman in order to see he is attracted to her.<ref>Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:3, Shulchan Aruch EH 21:3, Nitai Gavriel Shidduchim p. 84</ref> However, he may not look in an inappropriate way (derech zenut).<ref>Shulchan Aruch E.H. 21:3, Shevet Halevi 5:200</ref> It is considered inappropriate for a man to stare solely for the purpose of deriving pleasure from the woman's beauty.<ref>Otzar HaPoskim Even Haezer 23 footnote 31</ref>
# Many Poskim think that it is not appropriate for a boy to demand a shidduch picture before going out.<ref> He quoted the Chabiner Rav, Rav Dovid Feinstein, Rav Moshe Heinemann, Rav Shmuel Fuerst, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky as all expressing disapproval of this practice because either it doesn't give the girl a fair chance, pictures can be deceiving, and it isn't tzanua for a girl to be giving out her picture.</ref>  
# Many Poskim think that it is not appropriate for a boy to demand a shidduch picture before going out.<ref> He quoted the Chabiner Rav, Rav Dovid Feinstein, Rav Moshe Heinemann, Rav Shmuel Fuerst, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky as all expressing disapproval of this practice because either it doesn't give the girl a fair chance, pictures can be deceiving, and it isn't tzanua for a girl to be giving out her picture.</ref>  
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==Yichud==
==Yichud==
See the [[Yichud]] page.
See the [[Yichud]] page.
# A couple should be extra vigilant regarding the halachot of yichud during dating, especially after engagement.
 
# While dating or engaged, a couple should not sleep in the same house even if there’s no issue of yichud. For example, if they’re visiting one another for Shabbos, one should stay at a friend or neighbor.
Many of the following halachot are explained in greater detail at the yichud page. A few basic points of relevance to dating are listed here.
# A couple should be extra vigilant regarding the halachot of yichud during dating, especially after engagement.<ref>Be’er Yisrael p. 50</ref>
# While dating or engaged, a couple should not sleep in the same house even if there’s no issue of yichud. For example, if they’re visiting one another for Shabbos, one should stay at a friend or neighbor.<ref>Rama E.H. 55:1. Rav Hershel Schachter (Nefesh Harav p. 255) writes that Rav Soloveitchik was particularly scrupulous about this Halacha. See also Nitei Gavriel Yichud Siman 49:13</ref>
# Once someone is engaged or at a point that they’re emotionally comfortable with each other to discuss private issues (libo gas ba)¸ according to many poskim they are not allowed to be alone, even if the door is open to a public domain.<ref>The Chelkat Mechokek 22:13 writes that a person who is comfortable around a certain woman is forbidden to seclude himself with her in an area open to the public. The Taz 22:9, however, disagrees and permits it. Chida (Birkei Yosef 22:6 and 245:6) proves from Shulchan Aruch and others that it is permitted but he still isn't willing to be lenient. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 152:5 rules like the Chelkat Mechokek. Misgeret Hashulchan 152:10 cited by Otzar Haposkim 22:9:13 is lenient in extenuating circumstances. Nitei Gavriel (Yichud 32:7) writes that in cases of need such as with a doctor, one may be lenient unless the person is comfortable around the woman in an inappropriate sense. Tzitz Eliezer 6:40:12:4-8 is lenient. Gan Naul 8:25 seems to be lenient. He quotes the Shevet Halevi 5:23:7 and Divrei Chachamim 5:11 as permitting, while the Noda Beyehuda E.H. 2:18, Aruch Hashulchan 22:6, and Igrot Moshe E.H. 4:60 are strict</ref> If they’re actually in public or completely visible to the public there is no yichud at all. Also, having someone that breaks yichud like the man’s mother or sister, the woman’s father or brother, or a married couple is effective even for someone who is libo gas ba.<ref>In general, Igrot Moshe E.H. 2:15 holds that a daughter protects a man from yichud just like his mother, wife, or sister. This is in disagreement with the Pitchei Teshuva 22:2 who holds that these relatives do not protect from yichud with another woman, even though one is permitted to have yichud with that relative alone. Rav Soloveitchik (Nefesh Harav p. 256) agreed with Rav Moshe and applied it to a grandmother as well. Mishnat Yehoshua (Erusin v. 1 p. 73) applies this to dating.</ref>
# Once someone is engaged or at a point that they’re emotionally comfortable with each other to discuss private issues (libo gas ba)¸ according to many poskim they are not allowed to be alone, even if the door is open to a public domain.<ref>The Chelkat Mechokek 22:13 writes that a person who is comfortable around a certain woman is forbidden to seclude himself with her in an area open to the public. The Taz 22:9, however, disagrees and permits it. Chida (Birkei Yosef 22:6 and 245:6) proves from Shulchan Aruch and others that it is permitted but he still isn't willing to be lenient. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 152:5 rules like the Chelkat Mechokek. Misgeret Hashulchan 152:10 cited by Otzar Haposkim 22:9:13 is lenient in extenuating circumstances. Nitei Gavriel (Yichud 32:7) writes that in cases of need such as with a doctor, one may be lenient unless the person is comfortable around the woman in an inappropriate sense. Tzitz Eliezer 6:40:12:4-8 is lenient. Gan Naul 8:25 seems to be lenient. He quotes the Shevet Halevi 5:23:7 and Divrei Chachamim 5:11 as permitting, while the Noda Beyehuda E.H. 2:18, Aruch Hashulchan 22:6, and Igrot Moshe E.H. 4:60 are strict</ref> If they’re actually in public or completely visible to the public there is no yichud at all. Also, having someone that breaks yichud like the man’s mother or sister, the woman’s father or brother, or a married couple is effective even for someone who is libo gas ba.<ref>In general, Igrot Moshe E.H. 2:15 holds that a daughter protects a man from yichud just like his mother, wife, or sister. This is in disagreement with the Pitchei Teshuva 22:2 who holds that these relatives do not protect from yichud with another woman, even though one is permitted to have yichud with that relative alone. Rav Soloveitchik (Nefesh Harav p. 256) agreed with Rav Moshe and applied it to a grandmother as well. Mishnat Yehoshua (Erusin v. 1 p. 73) applies this to dating.</ref>
# If a dating or engaged couple wants to enter an apartment and avoid yichud, they should leave the door to the hallway wide open and remain in a place where they're visible to the hallway.<ref>Knesset Hagedolah (Hagahot Tur E.H. 22:11) writes that a door that's open to the street only permits that room and not the upper or lower floors connected to that room. The Otzar Haposkim 22:9:5 quotes the Apei Zutrei 22:20 and Nichpeh Bkesef who agree. The Otzar Haposkim 22:9:5 quotes the Nidrei Zerizin 2:9 and Bet Shlomo O.C. 48 who write that rooms connected to a room open to the public are still subject to yichud, and only the room that is open to the public itself is permitted. On the other hand, the Ezer Mkodesh seems to be lenient. Dvar Halacha 3:9 quotes this dispute and adds that the Bet Meir is strict but the Maharsham is lenient.</ref> Going to another room in the apartment is forbidden since it isn’t common for someone to enter unannounced even if the door is actually open.<ref>Rav Schachter (oral communication)</ref> This only works at a time when people are generally walking through the hallway every few minutes but not late into the night when people aren't around.<ref>Dvar Halacha 3:5</ref>
# If a dating or engaged couple wants to enter an apartment and avoid yichud, they should leave the door to the hallway wide open and remain in a place where they're visible to the hallway.<ref>Knesset Hagedolah (Hagahot Tur E.H. 22:11) writes that a door that's open to the street only permits that room and not the upper or lower floors connected to that room. The Otzar Haposkim 22:9:5 quotes the Apei Zutrei 22:20 and Nichpeh Bkesef who agree. The Otzar Haposkim 22:9:5 quotes the Nidrei Zerizin 2:9 and Bet Shlomo O.C. 48 who write that rooms connected to a room open to the public are still subject to yichud, and only the room that is open to the public itself is permitted. On the other hand, the Ezer Mkodesh seems to be lenient. Dvar Halacha 3:9 quotes this dispute and adds that the Bet Meir is strict but the Maharsham is lenient.</ref> Going to another room in the apartment is forbidden since it isn’t common for someone to enter unannounced even if the door is actually open.<ref>Rav Schachter (oral communication)</ref> This only works at a time when people are generally walking through the hallway every few minutes but not late into the night when people aren't around.<ref>Dvar Halacha 3:5</ref>
# If a dating or engaged couple is at one of their parents’ homes and the parents are home but upstairs, there is no issue of yichud.<ref>Orchot Habayit 34:31</ref>
# If a dating or engaged couple is at one of their parents’ homes and the parents are home but upstairs, there is no issue of yichud.<ref>Orchot Habayit 34:31</ref>
# A dating or engaged couple can drive together in the car on a road that cars or people pass by at least once every ten minutes. A couple should not park at night on a quiet street in order to talk to each other. <ref>Mishnat Yehoshua (Erusin v. 1 p. 62-3) quoting Rav Elyashiv, Teshuvot Vehanhagot 5:331. This approach treats a car like being outside since it is possible to see into the car windows. However, Igrot Moshe 4:65:3 was strict not to allow a man and woman to enter a car together because they could stop in a deserted area. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach in Minchat Shlomo 1:91:21 and Rav Willig (cited by Rabbi Jachter) are lenient. Rav Schachter is strict but acknowledges that dating in today’s world it isn’t practical to be strict on this</ref>
# A dating or engaged couple can drive together in the car on a road that cars or people pass by at least once every ten minutes. A couple should not park at night on a quiet street in order to talk to each other.<ref>Mishnat Yehoshua (Erusin v. 1 p. 62-3) quoting Rav Elyashiv, Teshuvot Vehanhagot 5:331. This approach treats a car like being outside since it is possible to see into the car windows. However, Igrot Moshe 4:65:3 was strict not to allow a man and woman to enter a car together because they could stop in a deserted area. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach in Minchat Shlomo 1:91:21 and Rav Willig (cited by Rabbi Jachter) are lenient. Rav Schachter is strict but acknowledges that dating in today’s world it isn’t practical to be strict on this</ref>
# Some poskim permit going on a date to an escape room since it is observed by a camera at all times which is considered like it is open to the public.<ref>Rabbi Willig (oral communication) thought that we could be lenient since there is a camera in the room and someone is watching the cameras at all times. He added that it might not be recommended depending on the situation and the people asking. Therefore, it is appropriate to ask a Rav for each case. Rabbi Wiederblank agreed</ref> Other poskim, however, hold that it is better to avoid.<ref>Rabbi Neuberger (oral communication), Rav Aryeh Lebowitz [https://www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/933705/rabbi-aryeh-lebowitz/ten-minute-halacha-escape-the-room-and-yichud/ (Ten Minute Halacha)]</ref>
# Some poskim permit going on a date to an escape room since it is observed by a camera at all times which is considered like it is open to the public.<ref>Rabbi Willig (oral communication) thought that we could be lenient since there is a camera in the room and someone is watching the cameras at all times. He added that it might not be recommended depending on the situation and the people asking. Therefore, it is appropriate to ask a Rav for each case. Rabbi Wiederblank agreed</ref> Other poskim, however, hold that it is better to avoid.<ref>Rabbi Neuberger (oral communication), Rav Aryeh Lebowitz [https://www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/933705/rabbi-aryeh-lebowitz/ten-minute-halacha-escape-the-room-and-yichud/ (Ten Minute Halacha)]</ref>
==Revealing Information==
==Revealing Information==
See the [[Lashon Hara]] page.
See also [[Lashon Hara]] page.
# It is forbidden to find something seriously negative in a shidduch.<ref>Beer Yisrael p. 42 citing Igrot Moshe OC 4:118, Chafetz Chaim klal 9</ref>  
#1. It is forbidden to hide something seriously negative about oneself from a potential spouse.<ref>Igrot Moshe O.C. 4:118, Chafetz Chaim klal 9. Also, on a practical note it is very hard to hide anything today, and it is better to reveal it</ref> However, one doesn't have to reveal negative information before going out. One should do so when the two are seriously considering getting married.<ref>Igrot Moshe 4:118, Be’er Yisrael p. 43 quoting the Steipler and other gedolim</ref>
# If someone asks about a negative trait in a shidduch one may not lie.<ref>Beer Yisrael p. 42</ref>
#Generally, the YU poskim advise revealing negative information at around the half-way mark of the expected duration of the dating.<ref>Rav Willig (Dating and Marriage min 33)</ref> For example, if they expect to date for around 3 months, they should disclose information about a month and a half into the dating process. One doesn’t have to disclose everything before beginning dating because someone with something slightly negative would never get a first date. Once a man and woman get to know each other, the same negative information might be negligible or unimportant with a fuller picture of the person.
# One doesn't have to reveal negative information before going out. One should do so when the two think that they are seriously considering getting married.<ref>Beer Yisrael p. 43 quoting the Steipler and other gedolim, Igrot Moshe 4:118</ref>
# If someone is asked for information about a suggestion they may not lie.<ref>Be’er Yisrael p. 42. See A Halachic Guide to Getting + Giving Shidduch Information from the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation</ref> if asked regarding negative information, one should reveal it only under the seven conditions of to’elet:
 
## the one saying the negative information has either personally witnessed or has corroborated that which he is saying with certainty,
##one is sure that it is correct and not just the appearance of a problem,
##if it is a correctable issue, one has to have attempted to highlight the wrongdoing to the person being spoken about and encouraged them to reconsider,
##one may not exaggerate,
##one may only share information with a constructive motive and not based on any animus,
## there must be no other alternatives to revealing the specific negative information,
##it must be the case that the damage caused to the person discussed will not be greater than can be justified by the shortcoming in question. Often it is sufficient to say that the shidduch isn’t for you/him/her and omit any more information. That solves the issue and doesn't reveal more than necessary.<ref>See article by Rav Wiederblank on this topic [https://www.scribd.com/document/177502200/Untitled To tell or not to tell: the obligation to disclose medical information to a potentional spouse] Rav Willig (Dating Advice min 42).</ref>
==Following Women in the Street==
==Following Women in the Street==
See the [[Inappropriate Staring at the Opposite Gender]] page.
See the [[Inappropriate Staring at the Opposite Gender]] page.
Line 102: Line 135:


== Proposal ==
== Proposal ==
It is not a proper practice for a man to get down on a knee to propose to his kallah.<ref>Rav Mordechai Willig (oral communication)</ref>
After the man gives her the ring, one of the couple should recite the beracha hatov vehameitiv on behalf of both of them.<ref>Rav Schachter (oral communication)</ref>


The proposal should be done in a private way and not with other friends there or videoed for the whole world to see.<ref>Rav Mordechai Willig (oral communication)</ref>
# It is not a proper practice for a man to get down on a knee to propose to his kallah.<ref>Rav Mordechai Willig (oral communication)</ref>
# After the man gives her the ring, one of the couple should recite the beracha hatov vehameitiv on behalf of both of them.<ref>Rav Schachter (oral communication)</ref>
# The proposal should be done in a private way and not with other friends there or videoed for the whole world to see.<ref>Rav Mordechai Willig (oral communication)</ref>


== Broken Engagement ==
== Broken Engagement ==


== Making a Shidduch ==
== Making a Shidduch ==
Making a shidduch is included in the mitzvah of imitating Hashem, as He made the first shidduch between Adam and Chava.<ref>Devarim 13:5 and Sotah 14a. Midrash Rabba Tzav 8:1. See
“[https://outorah.org/p/27222/ Paying the Shadchan]” by Rabbi Avi Zakutinsky</ref> Making a shidduch or even trying to make a shidduch is a tremendous mitzvah and an incredibly important activity. <ref>Shulchan Aruch O.C. 306:6 allows one to arrange a Shidduch on Shabbat, even if it involves discussion of financial matters that would otherwise be a form of forbidden speech on Shabbat. See Kaf Hachaim 306:50</ref>Even if one just makes a suggestion and a shadchan takes it over, he still gets credit for the mitzvah of making the shidduch.<ref>Igrot Moshe CM 1:49</ref>


== Pouching a Shidduch ==
# Making a shidduch is included in the mitzvah of imitating Hashem, as He made the first shidduch between Adam and Chava.<ref>Devarim 13:5 and Sotah 14a. Midrash Rabba Tzav 8:1. See


# If a couple got engaged (and they wrote up tenayim or shidduchim or didn't write anything, but made a decision to get engaged in a place where they don't write tenayim or shidduchim) it is forbidden for a man to try to date and marry that woman. Stealing a shidduch is a violation of the cherem of breaking an engagement as well as a violation of stealing something that someone else was trying to get (ani ha'mehapech b'charara).<ref>Igrot Moshe EH 1:91. Rav Moshe explains that there's a cherem to break an engaged once they if they wrote up tenayim or shidduchim or if they decided to get engaged in a place where they do not write tenayim or shidduchim. In terms of ''ani hamehapech b'charara'' seemingly it should be permitted for two reasons: 1) According to Rabbenu Tam, there's no issue of ''ani hamehapech b'charara'' when dealing with something that is free. Since marrying a woman is like getting something from hefker (ownerless), stealing a fiancé is permitted. 2) According to Maharam, there's no issue of ''ani hamehapech b'charara'' before the buyer and seller decided on a price. So too, with an engagement there's no prohibition before they write the tenayim. However, Rav Moshe writes that since there's a cherem to break the engagement there's also a prohibition of ''ani hamehapech b'charara'' to steal an engaged woman. He explains that there's two approach to Rabbenu Tam. One is that something that everyone can acquire equally like hefker is not subject to ''ani hamehapech b'charara'' (Rama citing Radach). But the engaged woman is not equally available to anyone. Another reason for Rabbenu Tam, is that hefker doesn't belong to anyone so it is fine to take it (Shach citing Ramban). But with engagement since both the man and woman want to marry it is like they're married in the sense that it would be forbidden for anyone else to marry her.</ref>
“[https://outorah.org/p/27222/ Paying the Shadchan]” by Rabbi Avi Zakutinsky</ref>
# If a couple got engaged and in their place they usually write up tenayim or shidduchim and they didn't yet get to do that, according to Ashkenazim it is technically permitted for a man to try to date marry that woman but a yireh shamayim would not do such a thing.<ref>Igrot Moshe EH 1:91 s.v. yatza</ref>
# Making a shidduch or even trying to make a shidduch is a tremendous mitzvah and an incredibly important activity.<ref>Shulchan Aruch O.C. 306:6 allows one to arrange a Shidduch on Shabbat, even if it involves discussion of financial matters that would otherwise be a form of forbidden speech on Shabbat. See Kaf Hachaim 306:50</ref>  
# If a man and woman are dating and are not engaged, it is technically permitted for another man to try to date and marry that woman.<ref>Igrot Moshe EH 1:91</ref>
# Even if one just makes a suggestion and a shadchan takes it over, he still gets credit for the mitzvah of making the shidduch.<ref>Igrot Moshe CM 1:49</ref>


==Sources==
==Sources==
{{Reflist|2}}
{{Reflist|2}}
[[Category:Marriage]]
[[Category:Marriage]]

Latest revision as of 18:57, 18 July 2024

Dating

The basic halachot of dating are a difficult balance. On one hand, the couple must be able to meet one another as such that they can feel comfortable establishing a home together. On the other hand, while the couple are unmarried they must be careful to abide by the full halachic restrictions of how a man and woman should behave. They cannot touch one another (shomer negiah) nor can they seclude themselves together (yichud). Further many communities have adopted different perspectives about social interaction between men and women.

Because of the halachic difficulties posed by dating- different communities have established different standards on how to date. Communities have traditionally relied on a matchmaker, while other communities have men ask out women. Communities also have established clear practices on the length of time dating prior to engagement.

Bashert

The Yiddish word "bashert" is used in Jewish folklore to mean that every man and woman has a preordained soulmate. "Bashert" literally means "fate" in Yiddish.[1]

It is not so simple. Among the Talmudic commentators there is a wide variety of opinion about how couples are designated for one another. In the opening of Masechet Sotah (Sotah 2a)[2] the Talmud records that forty days before the birth of a child, a voice calls out from Mount Sinai and declares "this child will marry so- and so." The clear implication is that match's are preordained. However the Talmud also declares that couples are set up according to the character of the bride and groom. These two statements set up a contradiction over whether the match is preordained or based on one's behavior during their life.

Indeed, the idea of bashert is fundamentally problematic? How do we know we'll find the right person? Why can't we choose?

Some argue that belief in a bashert contradicts man's free will and would result in people having a limited ability to perform the mitzvah of marriage. Therefore, they reject the idea of bashert completely and assert that everything is in the hands of individuals.[3]

Some understand individuals to be in full control of their choice of spouse. It is only that because it is so difficult for each man and woman to find someone who they like and in turn are liked by that Hashem assists.[4] Were it not for Hashem to assist, the couple would not be able to be brought together.

In the view of the Zohar,[5] a soul exists of male and female halves that are placed into a man and woman respectively. When the right couple comes together, the soul is reunited. The Zohar says that the righteous are guaranteed that they will find their soul mate.

Dating and Its Difficulties

The Gemara describes the process of matching a couple as difficult as "spliting the Yam Suf (Sea of Reads)."[6] This enigmatic statement refer to the almost supernatural difficulties of match making. One understanding of this expression is that Hashem's role is as miraculous in the process of dating as in the process of taking the Jewish people from Egypt.[7]

Preliminaries to Dating

  1. It is smart and highly encouraged to do genetic screening before getting married and preferably even before going out.[8] If the genetics aren’t compatible, one shouldn’t get married. The YU roshei yeshiva advocate testing for as many diseases as possible and not just the fatal or seriously debilitating ones, so that one doesn’t risk avoidable medical issues.[9]

Looking at a Shidduch Picture

  1. Many say that it isn't appropriate for a boy to demand a shidduch picture before going out.[10]

What Sort of Girl to Look for

Looks

A person shouldn’t look for a “movie-star” and focus too much on physical looks. The most important thing to look for is yirat shamayim. This message is encapsulated eloquently in the pasuk “תתהלל היא' ה יראת אישה היופי והבל החן שקר” “Grace is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that fears Hashem, she should be praised” (Mishlei 31:30).[11]

Money

While technically permitted,[12] it is ill-advised to marry purely for money.[13] However, if the prospective spouse has good middot and is a good shidduch, the fact that money is another factor in the equation is of no consequence.[14] Like anything tangible in life, money can come and go. Therefore, one shouldn’t weigh money or prominence too highly when considering a shidduch.[15]

בת תלמיד חכם

The Gemara encourages a man to sell everything he has in order to marry a woman who is a בת תלמיד חכם [16]

Usually that is translated as a daughter of a talmid chacham. However, some explain that this means a female equivalent of a talmid chacham, meaning a woman who has learned Torah.[17] Others understand that this includes a woman who appreciates Torah and will encourage her husband to become a talmid chacham.[18] Alternatively, the point of the gemara is that one should marry into a family that values Torah so that one’s children will be raised to learn Torah. It doesn’t matter whether her father actually is a talmid chacham or not as long as she values Torah.[19]

בת כהן

Kohanim have a special status among the Jewish people and it is fitting for the daughter of a kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is considered a “crown” comparable to the “crown” of kehuna. Though we aren’t necessarily so strict about this, someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.[20]

Aliya[21]

Even if a person wants to make aliya, Rav Schachter suggests that he look for a religious young woman here and determine later if aliya is possible. If not, it is more important to marry a suitable young woman than to make aliya.

Parental Objections

Technically, the halacha is that if parents object to a child’s shidduch, the child is not necessarily bound by that request.[22]

There are several qualifications to that statement

  1. Some say that if the parent has reasonable grounds for suspecting that the shidduch will harm their child's wellbeing, the child is bound to listen. [23]
  2. If the parents are seriously pained by the shidduch, some poskim hold that one must listen to one’s parents. [24]
  3. In any case of parental disapproval, one should consult a rabbi. Even when the halacha is that one doesn't need to obey the parents’ wishes on this issue, a wise person would certainly take his parents’ position into consideration as they usually have significantly more experience and insight.[25]

Looking at One's Date

  1. It is a mitzvah for a man to see the woman he intends to marry.[26]
  2. Generally speaking it is normally forbidden for a man to look closely at a woman. However, when it comes to dating a man is permitted to look closely at a woman in order to see he is attracted to her.[27] However, he may not look in an inappropriate way (derech zenut).[28] It is considered inappropriate for a man to stare solely for the purpose of deriving pleasure from the woman's beauty.[29]
  3. Many Poskim think that it is not appropriate for a boy to demand a shidduch picture before going out.[30]

Age for Marriage

See Right Age to Marry page.

Yichud

See the Yichud page.

Many of the following halachot are explained in greater detail at the yichud page. A few basic points of relevance to dating are listed here.

  1. A couple should be extra vigilant regarding the halachot of yichud during dating, especially after engagement.[31]
  2. While dating or engaged, a couple should not sleep in the same house even if there’s no issue of yichud. For example, if they’re visiting one another for Shabbos, one should stay at a friend or neighbor.[32]
  3. Once someone is engaged or at a point that they’re emotionally comfortable with each other to discuss private issues (libo gas ba)¸ according to many poskim they are not allowed to be alone, even if the door is open to a public domain.[33] If they’re actually in public or completely visible to the public there is no yichud at all. Also, having someone that breaks yichud like the man’s mother or sister, the woman’s father or brother, or a married couple is effective even for someone who is libo gas ba.[34]
  4. If a dating or engaged couple wants to enter an apartment and avoid yichud, they should leave the door to the hallway wide open and remain in a place where they're visible to the hallway.[35] Going to another room in the apartment is forbidden since it isn’t common for someone to enter unannounced even if the door is actually open.[36] This only works at a time when people are generally walking through the hallway every few minutes but not late into the night when people aren't around.[37]
  5. If a dating or engaged couple is at one of their parents’ homes and the parents are home but upstairs, there is no issue of yichud.[38]
  6. A dating or engaged couple can drive together in the car on a road that cars or people pass by at least once every ten minutes. A couple should not park at night on a quiet street in order to talk to each other.[39]
  7. Some poskim permit going on a date to an escape room since it is observed by a camera at all times which is considered like it is open to the public.[40] Other poskim, however, hold that it is better to avoid.[41]

Revealing Information

See also Lashon Hara page.

  1. 1. It is forbidden to hide something seriously negative about oneself from a potential spouse.[42] However, one doesn't have to reveal negative information before going out. One should do so when the two are seriously considering getting married.[43]
  2. Generally, the YU poskim advise revealing negative information at around the half-way mark of the expected duration of the dating.[44] For example, if they expect to date for around 3 months, they should disclose information about a month and a half into the dating process. One doesn’t have to disclose everything before beginning dating because someone with something slightly negative would never get a first date. Once a man and woman get to know each other, the same negative information might be negligible or unimportant with a fuller picture of the person.
  3. If someone is asked for information about a suggestion they may not lie.[45] if asked regarding negative information, one should reveal it only under the seven conditions of to’elet:
    1. the one saying the negative information has either personally witnessed or has corroborated that which he is saying with certainty,
    2. one is sure that it is correct and not just the appearance of a problem,
    3. if it is a correctable issue, one has to have attempted to highlight the wrongdoing to the person being spoken about and encouraged them to reconsider,
    4. one may not exaggerate,
    5. one may only share information with a constructive motive and not based on any animus,
    6. there must be no other alternatives to revealing the specific negative information,
    7. it must be the case that the damage caused to the person discussed will not be greater than can be justified by the shortcoming in question. Often it is sufficient to say that the shidduch isn’t for you/him/her and omit any more information. That solves the issue and doesn't reveal more than necessary.[46]

Following Women in the Street

See the Inappropriate Staring at the Opposite Gender page.

  1. Even though today it isn't possible for a man not to walk behind a woman at all when walking in the street, still a person should be careful what he looks at when walking.[47]

Giving Gifts

  1. Often times in relationships, a couple will give gifts to one another
  2. There is no concern that giving such a gift is considered kiddushin, as that is clearly not their intention.[48] Similarly, giving the engagement ring is not a concern of kiddushin as they do not intend for that to be kiddushin.[49] Nonetheless, it is proper that a dating or engaged couple avoid giving each other mishloach manot.[50]
  3. A man is prohibited from giving mishloach manot to a woman or vice versa. Some explain that it isn’t an appropriate interaction, while others explain that there is a concern that people will think that they are married even though they aren’t. Some permit a man giving mishloach to a woman if his intentions are actually completely pure.[51]

Date Specific Shaylot

Paint Night, Wax sculptures

  1. See Drawing a Pasuk Respecting_Holy_Books#Writing_Pesukim
  2. See Drawing a Sun, Moon or Stars Drawing_or_Sculpting_Forbidden_Images#Sun.2C_Moon.2C_and_Stars
  3. Making a human sculptures Drawing_or_Sculpting_Forbidden_Images#Human_Images

Art Museums

  1. See Visiting Art Museums
  2. See Kippah

Movie

  1. See Internet,_TV,_Social_Media

Sports Games

  1. See Inappropriate Staring at the Opposite Gender

Ice Skating, Archery

  1. See Modesty
  2. See Inappropriate Staring at the Opposite Gender
  3. Catching her if she falls see Negiah

Arcade, Casino, Bingo

  1. Regarding gambling see Minhagim_of_Chanukah#Dreidel

Going to the Zoo

  1. Regarding Brachos when seeing certain animals see Bracha for an Unusual Creature.

Scavenger Hunt in Barnes&Nobles

  1. See Deceitful Practices#Window Shopping

Hotel Lobby

  1. See Marit Ayin

Engagement

Proposal

  1. It is not a proper practice for a man to get down on a knee to propose to his kallah.[52]
  2. After the man gives her the ring, one of the couple should recite the beracha hatov vehameitiv on behalf of both of them.[53]
  3. The proposal should be done in a private way and not with other friends there or videoed for the whole world to see.[54]

Broken Engagement

Making a Shidduch

  1. Making a shidduch is included in the mitzvah of imitating Hashem, as He made the first shidduch between Adam and Chava.[55]
  2. Making a shidduch or even trying to make a shidduch is a tremendous mitzvah and an incredibly important activity.[56]
  3. Even if one just makes a suggestion and a shadchan takes it over, he still gets credit for the mitzvah of making the shidduch.[57]

Sources

  1. ↑ Much sourcing and analysis for the following sections relies on the work Kafnita Debavel marriage and free will Marriage: Destiny or Chance
  2. ↑ Sotah 2a
  3. ↑ Meiri Sotah 2a Shmoneh Perekim 8 Shut Rambam 436 Kovetz Mamrim page 41
  4. ↑ Tashbetz 2.1
  5. ↑ Zohar I, 91b, 229a, quoted in Midrash Talpiot, anaf zivug taken from chabad article quoted above
  6. ↑ Sota 2a
  7. ↑ Meiri Sotah 2a
  8. ↑ Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe E.H. 4:10) wrote that it is proper and wise to check for Tay-Sachs disease to prevent a major tragedy of having a child with Tay-Sachs. He adds that it should be done in private. Also, people shouldn't do it before they begin dating so that it doesn't cause unnecessary stress.
  9. ↑ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 15) explained that it is best to test for as many diseases as possible and not just the fatal or seriously debilitating ones. See The Mandate of Genetic Testing by Rabbi Dr. Edward Reichman on this issue, with the attached letter signed by all the YU Roshei Yeshiva advocating for genetic testing before getting married and preferably before dating.
  10. ↑ Shidduch Pictures Rav Yair HoffmanRav Hoffman quotes that Chabiner Rav, Rav Dovid Feinstein, Rav Moshe Heinemann, Rav Shmuel Fuerst, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky as all expressing disapproval of the practice of Shidduch pictures because either it doesn't give the girl a fair chance, pictures can be deceiving, and it isn't tzanua for a girl to be giving out her picture. ↑
  11. ↑ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3- 7).
  12. ↑ The Gemara Kiddushin 70a curses anyone who marries for money that his children will have bad character traits. Based on Rashi, the Rivash 15 writes that the gemara's curse only applies when the woman in question is forbidden to him and he wants to marry her nonetheless for her money. However, if she's otherwise permitted to him, it is permissible even if his intention is for money. Rama E.H. 2:1 codifies the Rivash.
  13. ↑ Rama E.H. 2:1 cites the Orchot Chaim who writes that a person shouldn't break a shidduch for money and should just be happy with whatever money they get as a dowry. Chelkat Mechokek 2:1 clarifies that although it is permitted to marry for money if she's permitted to him, it is forbidden to decide not to marry someone because they don't have money and delay getting married because of that. The Gra 2:6 disagrees and understands that the Orchot Chaim disagrees with the Rivash, and in fact would forbid getting married for money even to a woman he’s permitted to.
  14. ↑ Aruch Hashulchan 2:1 writes that there is nothing wrong with considering money as a factor as long as it isn’t the only factor. Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 3-6) explains that while Chazal say terrible things about someone who marries for money, if the shidduch is a good one, the fact that she has money isn’t something to hold against her. He cautions about the type of lifestyle you’re getting into if you marry into a rich family and how it might impact the marriage if it is so different from the lifestyle you’re used to.
  15. ↑ Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 8) relates that the Maharal of Prague attributed his success in Torah learning to the following incident. He was originally engaged to a woman and his prospective father-in-law promised a nice dowry that would enable him to continue learning Torah after his marriage. In those days, it was very common and customary to have large dowries for a son-in-law to be able to learn for some time after marriage. Shortly thereafter, the father-in-law’s business fell on hard times and it became clear that he couldn’t afford giving them a generous dowry. The Maharal reassured his father-in-law that he would marry her anyway as their honor was more important to him than money. Hashem rewarded this decision: One day when his wife was selling rolls in the market, a man left his coat there, which they found was filled with jewels. The man never returned to claim the coat and they were able to use the jewels to support the Maharal’s learning.
  16. ↑ Gemara Pesachim 49b, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:32 and Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:6
  17. ↑ Chazon Ish (quoted by Rav Eliyahu Baruch Finkel on Beresheet p. 417)
  18. ↑ Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 9). See also Rashi Pesachim 49b s.v. am, Taz E.H. 2:3, and Birkei Yosef 2:4.
  19. ↑ Michtam Pesachim 49a s.v. muvtach, Rav Elyashiv (Pesachim 49a s.v. v’isa)
  20. ↑ Gemara Pesachim 49a, Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:31, Shulchan Aruch E.H. 2:8. These sources indicate that an am ha’aretz, an irreligious Jew, may not marry a bat kohen. Chavot Yair 70 writes that nowadays we don't have an am ha'aretz for these purposes and anyone can marry a bat kohen. Pitchei Teshuva Y.D. 217:16, E.H. 2:9 and Machatzit Hashekel 415:1 cite the Chavot Yair. Mishna Brurah 415:2 quotes the Chavot Yair but qualifies that if a person degrades mitzvot they are certainly in the category of am ha'aretz even today and may not marry a bat kohen. Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 2:5 agrees with the Chavot Yair. Firstly, he cites the Tzemach Tzedek 11 who writes that someone who knows even one masechet isn't an am ha'aretz. Tzemach Tzedek concludes that although amei ha'aretz still exist today, we can allow them to marry a bat kohen since it isn't clear that we have kohanim who have clear lineage today. Ruach Chaim 2:3 also assumes we have amei ha'aretz today. He advises against marrying a bat kohen but doesn't say it is forbidden. Cheena V’chisda v. 2 p. 228c s.v. heneh and Yemey Shlomo Isurei Biyah 21 disagree with the Chavot Yair. Rav Ovadia Yosef in Yabia Omer Y.D. 3:7:1 and Yechave Daat 5:61 says that a ben yeshiva can certainly marry a bat kohen and doesn’t have to be concerned that he’s not a talmid chacham. Yalkut Yosef E.H. 1:20 recommends that someone who doesn’t keep Shabbat should be talked out of marrying a bat kohen unless they become a complete baal teshuva
  21. ↑ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 10)
  22. ↑ The Maharik (responsa 164) writes about a case where a young man’s parents don't want their son to marry a certain young woman whom he is interested in marrying. He posits three reasons why the son isn't bound by his parents’ wishes in this case. First, Kibbud Av V’em primarily means servicing a parent, but does not require listening to them in ways that don't directly benefit them. Second, Kibbud Av V’em is a mitzvah which doesn't need to come at one's own expense, and losing a potential spouse is worth more than money. Finally, since getting married is a mitzvah, a parent can't prevent a child from doing a mitzvah. Rama Y.D. 240:25 codifies this Maharik. Gra 240:36 and Chazon Ish YD 149:8 support the Maharik.
  23. ↑ Sefer Chasidim 564 writes that although parents generally cannot object to a child getting married, if the potential shidduch would be spiritually hazardous for their child, the child must listen to their parents. His proof is that Yaakov listened to Yitzchak not to marry any of the women of Kenaan. On this basis, Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av V’em p. 438) and Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 46) write that if the prospective young woman or man isn’t actually a good fit spiritually, the children certainly must listen to their parents. Yalkut Yosef clarifies that the Maharik (see next footnote) agrees with this. Rav Willig (oral communication) thought that this is a very important consideration when applying the Maharik.
  24. ↑ Meishiv Davar 2:50 says that if the parents are pained by a certain shidduch, the child should listen to them. Rav Aryeh Leib Shteinman (K'ayal Tarog Shidduchin p. 46) agrees.
  25. ↑ Rav Schachter (Mussar Shmooze on Dating min 16). Similarly, Shevet Halevi 4:124, Tzitz Eliezer 13:78, and Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av V’em p. 437) all hold that even though one doesn't have to listen to one's parents, he should do everything in his power to get them on his side to agree with the shidduch.
  26. ↑ Kiddushin 41a
  27. ↑ Rambam Isurei Biyah 21:3, Shulchan Aruch EH 21:3, Nitai Gavriel Shidduchim p. 84
  28. ↑ Shulchan Aruch E.H. 21:3, Shevet Halevi 5:200
  29. ↑ Otzar HaPoskim Even Haezer 23 footnote 31
  30. ↑ He quoted the Chabiner Rav, Rav Dovid Feinstein, Rav Moshe Heinemann, Rav Shmuel Fuerst, and Rav Chaim Kanievsky as all expressing disapproval of this practice because either it doesn't give the girl a fair chance, pictures can be deceiving, and it isn't tzanua for a girl to be giving out her picture.
  31. ↑ Be’er Yisrael p. 50
  32. ↑ Rama E.H. 55:1. Rav Hershel Schachter (Nefesh Harav p. 255) writes that Rav Soloveitchik was particularly scrupulous about this Halacha. See also Nitei Gavriel Yichud Siman 49:13
  33. ↑ The Chelkat Mechokek 22:13 writes that a person who is comfortable around a certain woman is forbidden to seclude himself with her in an area open to the public. The Taz 22:9, however, disagrees and permits it. Chida (Birkei Yosef 22:6 and 245:6) proves from Shulchan Aruch and others that it is permitted but he still isn't willing to be lenient. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 152:5 rules like the Chelkat Mechokek. Misgeret Hashulchan 152:10 cited by Otzar Haposkim 22:9:13 is lenient in extenuating circumstances. Nitei Gavriel (Yichud 32:7) writes that in cases of need such as with a doctor, one may be lenient unless the person is comfortable around the woman in an inappropriate sense. Tzitz Eliezer 6:40:12:4-8 is lenient. Gan Naul 8:25 seems to be lenient. He quotes the Shevet Halevi 5:23:7 and Divrei Chachamim 5:11 as permitting, while the Noda Beyehuda E.H. 2:18, Aruch Hashulchan 22:6, and Igrot Moshe E.H. 4:60 are strict
  34. ↑ In general, Igrot Moshe E.H. 2:15 holds that a daughter protects a man from yichud just like his mother, wife, or sister. This is in disagreement with the Pitchei Teshuva 22:2 who holds that these relatives do not protect from yichud with another woman, even though one is permitted to have yichud with that relative alone. Rav Soloveitchik (Nefesh Harav p. 256) agreed with Rav Moshe and applied it to a grandmother as well. Mishnat Yehoshua (Erusin v. 1 p. 73) applies this to dating.
  35. ↑ Knesset Hagedolah (Hagahot Tur E.H. 22:11) writes that a door that's open to the street only permits that room and not the upper or lower floors connected to that room. The Otzar Haposkim 22:9:5 quotes the Apei Zutrei 22:20 and Nichpeh Bkesef who agree. The Otzar Haposkim 22:9:5 quotes the Nidrei Zerizin 2:9 and Bet Shlomo O.C. 48 who write that rooms connected to a room open to the public are still subject to yichud, and only the room that is open to the public itself is permitted. On the other hand, the Ezer Mkodesh seems to be lenient. Dvar Halacha 3:9 quotes this dispute and adds that the Bet Meir is strict but the Maharsham is lenient.
  36. ↑ Rav Schachter (oral communication)
  37. ↑ Dvar Halacha 3:5
  38. ↑ Orchot Habayit 34:31
  39. ↑ Mishnat Yehoshua (Erusin v. 1 p. 62-3) quoting Rav Elyashiv, Teshuvot Vehanhagot 5:331. This approach treats a car like being outside since it is possible to see into the car windows. However, Igrot Moshe 4:65:3 was strict not to allow a man and woman to enter a car together because they could stop in a deserted area. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach in Minchat Shlomo 1:91:21 and Rav Willig (cited by Rabbi Jachter) are lenient. Rav Schachter is strict but acknowledges that dating in today’s world it isn’t practical to be strict on this
  40. ↑ Rabbi Willig (oral communication) thought that we could be lenient since there is a camera in the room and someone is watching the cameras at all times. He added that it might not be recommended depending on the situation and the people asking. Therefore, it is appropriate to ask a Rav for each case. Rabbi Wiederblank agreed
  41. ↑ Rabbi Neuberger (oral communication), Rav Aryeh Lebowitz (Ten Minute Halacha)
  42. ↑ Igrot Moshe O.C. 4:118, Chafetz Chaim klal 9. Also, on a practical note it is very hard to hide anything today, and it is better to reveal it
  43. ↑ Igrot Moshe 4:118, Be’er Yisrael p. 43 quoting the Steipler and other gedolim
  44. ↑ Rav Willig (Dating and Marriage min 33)
  45. ↑ Be’er Yisrael p. 42. See A Halachic Guide to Getting + Giving Shidduch Information from the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation
  46. ↑ See article by Rav Wiederblank on this topic To tell or not to tell: the obligation to disclose medical information to a potentional spouse Rav Willig (Dating Advice min 42).
  47. ↑ The Gemara Brachot 61a states that it is better to walk behind a lion than a women in the marketplace. Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach in Minchat Shlomo 1:91 writes that today since there are as many women as there are men on the street unlike in the days of chazal it is impossible not to follow a woman in the street. He concludes that for a mitzvah or for etiquette one can be lenient to follow a woman in the street. Rabbi Willig (approx min 30) added that even though it is impossible not to walk behind women but still you need to be careful of what you see. Rav Nissim Karelitz in Chut Shani (Shabbat v. 3 p. 268) writes that nowadays when it is impossible not to walk behind a woman in the streets one should walk quickly so as not to follow a particular woman. The Leket Yosher YD p. 37 writes that it is permitted to follow a religious woman nowadays. Tzitz Eliezer 9:50 explained that today it is permitted to follow a woman in the street since it is so common it doesn't arouse inappropriate thoughts. He quotes Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach as agreeing with him. Yabia Omer OC 6:13:5 seems to agree.
    • However, Gan Naul (Tzeniyut v. 1 3:4) holds that the prohibition still applies today. He quotes Doleh Umashkeh p. 290 who records that Rav Chaim Kanievsky said that it is proper to avoid walking behind a woman today if it is possible. He also cites the Bnei Yakov siman
    21 who quotes Rav Ovadia Yosef as holding that one can be lenient since woman commonly walk the streets.
  48. ↑ The Mahari Barin (cited by Darkei Moshe 695:7) writes that a man shouldn’t give mishloach manot to a woman or vice versa. The Rama O.C. 695:4 codifies this. The language of the Rama implies that the reason is that if they give each other mishloach manot it will look like a kiddushin. However, the Machatzit Hashekel 695:15 explains that there is no concern that these gifts will affect a questionable kiddushin with the woman because there would need to be valid witnesses. Also, we are not concerned that a gift given for another reason is considered kiddushin (Rama E.H. 45:1). Rather the concern is that perhaps someone seeing this interaction will think that they are already married and this is a gift between them. Mishna Brurah 695:26 agrees. See Betzel HaChochma 5:51 for another approach. Aruch Hashulchan 695:18 adds that the primary issue is that when a man gives a gift to a woman it leads to an inappropriate affection and closeness. Shvut Yakov 1:41 and Tzemach Yehuda 3:235:4 agree. Chashukei Chemed Megillah 4a quotes Rav Elyashiv as holding that if there’s no alternative, a man could give mishloach manot to a woman if given in a nonaffectionate manner.
  49. ↑ Rav Schachter (oral communication) explained that it is completely permitted to give dating gifts or the engagement ring and there is no concern for kiddushin.
  50. ↑ Rav Aryeh Lebowitz (Ten Minute Halacha) quotes Rav Sobolofsky and Rav Schachter who thought it is inappropriate for a dating or engaged couple to give each other mishloach manot. Even though there is very little to be concerned with since their intentions are not for kiddushin and the reason of the Aruch Hashulchan doesn’t apply (since it is appropriate for them to give gifts to build the relationship), nonetheless, since the Rama explicitly forbids mishloach manot, we should observe that minhag.
  51. ↑ *The Mahari Barin (cited by Darkei Moshe 695:7) writes that a man shouldn’t give mishloach manot to a woman or the opposite. The Rama OC 695:4 codifies this. The Machasit Hashekel 695:15 explains that the concern that through these gifts the man will affect a questionable kiddushin with the woman isn’t an issue because there would need to be witnesses for it to be a valid kiddushin. Rather the concern is that perhaps someone seeing this interaction will think that they are married and this is a gift between them. Magen Avraham 695:15 and Mishna Brurah 695:26 concur.
    • Aruch Hashulchan 695:18 adds that the real issue is that when a man gives a woman a gift it leads to a closeness which is inappropriate. Tzemech Yehuda 3:235:4 agrees. Chashukei Chemed Megillah 4a quotes Rav Elyashiv as holding that if there’s no other choice a man could give mishloach manot to a woman if given in a manner that wouldn’t cause to closeness.
    Betzel Chochma 5:51 writes that the Rama was only concerned about kiddushin. He adds that one doesn’t have to be concerned about inappropriate interactions since one is doing a mitzvah of mishloach manot. Additionally, nowadays we are lenient to greet a woman (Rama EH 21:4) and as such we can be lenient in this regard as well. However, he advises not relying on that unless one’s intent is completely pure.
  52. ↑ Rav Mordechai Willig (oral communication)
  53. ↑ Rav Schachter (oral communication)
  54. ↑ Rav Mordechai Willig (oral communication)
  55. ↑ Devarim 13:5 and Sotah 14a. Midrash Rabba Tzav 8:1. See “Paying the Shadchan” by Rabbi Avi Zakutinsky
  56. ↑ Shulchan Aruch O.C. 306:6 allows one to arrange a Shidduch on Shabbat, even if it involves discussion of financial matters that would otherwise be a form of forbidden speech on Shabbat. See Kaf Hachaim 306:50
  57. ↑ Igrot Moshe CM 1:49
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