Kiddushin

While today's engagements only correspond to dating in a halachic sense, there is a process called Kiddushin which is the halachic act of engagement. Once a woman is halachically engaged (mekudeshet), she may not marry anyone else unless she receives a halachic divorce (get) or if her husband dies. If the husband dies without children, in certain cases, there is a mitzvah of Chalitza prior to remarrying.

Ritual Results of Kiddushin

1. Once a woman is halachically engaged, it is an extremely serious sin to have relations with anyone else. Not only that, there are numerous safeguards some of which are biblical and some of which are rabbinic which prevent a married woman from becoming too close with another man. These apply equally to a married and halachically engaged woman.

Procedure of Kiddushin

1. Kiddushin in theory could be accomplished in one of three ways: using money, a written document, or through marital relations. However, accomplishing Kiddushin through marital relations is a deplorable practice and is strictly forbidden.
2. The minhag is to accomplish Kiddushin with money as opposed to a written document.
3. According to a minority opinion, chupa can also accomplish Kiddushin. Some Achronim are concerned for this opinion.

Giving the Ring and Saying Harei At Mekudeshet Li

1. The minhag is to do Kiddushin with a ring.
2. Immediately after reciting the beracha on the wine and the Birkat Erusin, the chattan should recite ”הרי את מקודשת לי בטבעת זו כדת משה וישראל” and put the ring on the finger of the kallah in the presence of two valid witnesses.
3. If he gave her the ring before saying the statement, she should return the ring and do it again correctly. After the fact, even if they didn’t redo it, the Kiddushin is valid.

Laws of the Ring

1. According to most poskim, it is permitted to effect Kiddushin with a borrowed ring if the person you are borrowing it from knows that you’re using it for Kiddushin. However, to avoid a dispute one should borrow the ring from the third party as a matana al menat lhachzir (a gift given on condition that it is later returned).
2. If the ring gets lost, it is possible to do the Kiddushin with a coin.
3. The ring must belong exclusively to the chattan. Therefore, the practice is that the Mesader Kiddushin asks the chattan if the ring belongs to him.
4. One should use a plain ring without any stones or designs, so that the kallah does not misevaluate the value of the ring. The custom is to confirm with the witnesses that the ring is worth a perutah to show that she is getting married on only a perutah. Nonetheless, initially one should avoid any question by using a plain ring.
5. Some have the minhag to use a silver ring, while others prefer to use a gold ring. Either is certainly acceptable, but if the ring is silver, the man must tell her so, otherwise she will assume it is gold, and it is questionable if the Kiddushin is effective.
6. The ring should be placed on the right index finger of the kallah. If it is placed on the left hand, the Kiddushin is certainly still valid.
7. If the chattan uses something forbidden from benefit on a biblical level or even a rabbinic level that has a connection to a biblical law the kiddushin is completely invalid. However, if someone uses something that is only rabbinic and not connected to any biblical law it is a dispute if that is a valid kiddushin and therefore, she would need to redo the kiddushin or receive a get before marrying someone else.
8. If the chattan uses chametz in the sixth hour of Erev Pesach or rabbinic chametz after chatzot on Erev Pesach some say it is an invalid kiddushin and some say it is a dispute and requires a get before remarrying. If the chattan uses chametz after midday or on Pesach itself it is an invalid kiddushin.

Double Ring Ceremony

1. The performance of a double ring ceremony, where in addition to the chattan giving the kallah a ring, the kallah gives a ring to the chattan as well, should be strongly discouraged, even if the kallah does not say anything.

Removing Other Jewelry

1. Some have the minhag for the chattan and kallah to remove all jewelry before the chuppah. Others think this is unnecessary. Some think that by giving away one’s personal belongings to his friend before going to the chuppah it is some sort of segula. In reality, there is no such segula, but one may do so, since the friend will make sure that it is watched properly.

Night Time

1. Some say it is preferable not to do kiddushin at night. During the winter this is usually impractical.

Selecting Edim (Witnesses) for Kiddushin

Witnesses (eidim) are necessary to observe the Kiddushin process, when the chosson gives the kallah a ring and says “harei at mekudeshet li betaba’at zu kedat Moshe veYisrael.”

1. It is proper to specify witnesses for the Kiddushin. However, if a mistake occurred and the witnesses were invalid, the marriage is valid as long as other kosher witnesses were watching.
2. Some hold that it is critical for the witnesses to see the bride's face at the time of the Kiddushin. However, in some communities as a matter of modesty (tzeniyut) the bride's face isn't uncovered.

Who is a Kosher Witness

see Kosher Witnesses

The Beracha for Kiddushin (Birkat Erusin)

ברוך אתה ה' אלקנו מלך העולם אשר קדשנו במצותיו וצונו על העריות ואסר לנו את הארוסות והתיר לנו את הנשואות לנו על ידי חופה ב\וקידושין ברוך אתה ה' מקדש עמו ישראל על ידי חופה ב\וקידושין

1. One should make the Beracha before giving the Kallah the ring.
2. The Minhag is that the Mesader Kiddushin is the one who makes the Beracha.
3. One should make Birkat Erusin over a cup of wine. If there is no wine available, one may use Shechar. If there is neither wine nor Shechar available, one may make Birkat Erusin without them.

Nesuin before Kiddushin

1. Is it possible to have a Nesuin before Kiddushin? It is a major dispute in the Achronim.

Who to Marry

Forbidden Marriages

1. A person should be very careful not to marry a woman who is forbidden to him in any way. Anyone who marries someone who is forbidden to him is cursed that he will have wayward children. For example, this applies to a yisrael marrying a mamzeret or kohen marrying a chalala.
2. If someone who is going to marry someone who is forbidden to him, his relatives could and should encourage him not to go through with it. If he doesn't listen the relatives should do something so that they remember that he married someone forbidden and his descendants shouldn't get mixed up with theirs.

For Cohanim

Divorcee, Zonah, Chalala

1. A cohen may not marry a divorcee from the Torah.
2. Even if there is a doubt if she is a divorcee, zonah, or chalala, she may not marry a cohen. If a cohen married her, they are obligated to get divorced.
3. A woman who was divorced as a chumra (stringency) is nonetheless forbidden to marry a cohen. After the fact, if a cohen married her there is a dispute if the must get divorced.
4. A cohen who marries someone forbidden to him should be excommunicated.
5. A zonah, for the purposes of not marrying a cohen, is someone who had relations with someone she wasn't allowed to marry or a chalal. For example, a woman who had relations with a Jew outside of marriage, although a grave violation, does not invalidate her from marrying a cohen, since she wouldn't have been forbidden from marrying that Jew. However, a woman who had relations with a non-Jew is forbidden from marrying a cohen.
6. A chalala is a girl born from a cohen who married someone forbidden to cohanim. For example, if a cohen married a divorcee or zonah and they have a girl, that girl is a chalala.
7. If the wife of a cohen has relations with another man even if she's raped she is forbidden to her husband.

Convert

1. A cohen may not marry a convert even if she was less than 3 years old when she converted. She is considered a convert even if her mother converted while she was pregnant with her in utero.
2. If a cohen is civilly married to a non-Jew, bet din should not convert her knowing that she's going to continue to live with the cohen.

Daughter of Non-Jew

1. The daughter of a non-Jew and a Jewish mother may not marry a kohen. If they got married after the fact they may stay married.
2. If they were married civilly and now want to do chupa and kiddushin, many rabbis wouldn’t allow the marriage.

Remarrying Your Divorcee

1. If a man was married to a woman and got divorced and then she got married to someone else, the first husband may never remarry his wife. If she didn't get married in between, he can and it is a good for him to remarry his divorcee.
2. If she didn't get married and was living together with another man that doesn't forbid her from remarrying her original husband.
3. If a man married a woman (with kiddushin and chupa) and got divorced (with a get), and then she married someone else with a civil marriage, if they did a get for that "marriage" the original husband may not remarry her. Sephardim are lenient in extenuating circumstances.

Marrying for Money

1. While technically permitted, it is ill-advised to marry purely for money. However, if the prospective spouse has good middot and is a good shidduch, the fact that money is another factor in the equation is of no consequence. Like anything tangible in life, money can come and go. Therefore, one shouldn’t weigh money or prominence too highly when considering a shidduch.
2. If a shidduch was made and a dowry was agreed upon, but then the father-in-law backs out of the dowry, the chatan shouldn't keep his kallah tied up and fight over the dowry money. If he does so, he won't be successful and ultimately it will damage their marriage if they do get married. Rather, he should just happily take whatever dowry they offer.
3. A shouldn't hold himself back from getting married because he is waiting for an arranged marriage to a wealthy family. This is true even if he's poor and needs the money.

Marrying a Bat Kohen

1. Kohanim have a special status in klal yisrael and it is fitting for a bat kohen to marry a kohen or a talmid chacham, since Torah is another crown comparable to kehuna. Someone who is not religious and degrades mitzvot should not marry a bat kohen.

Bat Talmid Chacham

1. A person should endeavor to marry a bat talmid chacham and not a bat am haaretz.

Checking into Yichus

1. The strict halacha is that in general it isn't necessary to check into the yichus of families when choosing a spouse to see if there's any reason that the marriage would be forbidden. Many rishonim hold that a cohen should check the lineage before marrying but the minhag is not to check lineage at all.
2. If there is a family who people don't know, some poskim hold that it is necessary to check about their lineage before marrying into their family to ensure that they aren't mamzerim. Other poskim hold that it isn't necessary.

Suspicious Lineage Due to Bad Middot

1. Two families who are constantly fighting, two people who constantly fight, a single family who constantly fight, or an individual who fights with everyone and is very brazen, have suspicious lineage and a person should distance themselves from marrying such people. Nowadays some say that this isn't a concern.
2. Someone who always says that others are mamzerim, is suspected that he is a mamzer.
3. Someone who is brazen, cruel, hateful, and doesn't do kindness to others, is suspicious that he isn't Jewish.

Polygamy

1. Rabbnu Gershom instituted that a man may not marry a second wife and imposed an excommunication for anyone who did not follow this edict. Although some say that he only instituted this until 1240 and the rabbis of the time extended it forever more. Others say that there was no time limit to begin with. Though Sephardim never accepted upon themselves this institution, it is still forbidden in countries where the norm is that people do not practice polygamy.
2. Once a man gives his wife a kosher get (bill of divorce) and she accepts it on her own volition they can both get remarried.
3. Takanat mean rabbanim (lit. permit from one hundred rabbis; heb. היתר מאה רבנים) is an institution to allow a man to marry another wife in certain rare cases where he cannot divorce his wife, such as if she went crazy or they are forbidden to each one but she doesn't want to accept the get. It requires getting the approval of one hundred rabbis from three countries.
4. If the marriage was forbidden to begin with he should divorce her but if he cannot he may marry another wife. The minhag is to require a heter meah rabbanim to allow him to remarry. In all cases of heter meah rabbanim the man must arrange an unconditional get for her. In the case of where she went crazy he must set up a get for her and if she gets better he must give her it.

Proving Someone Is a Cohen

Self-Declaration

1. If someone claims he’s a cohen he’s not trusted unless he says it as part of a story that indicates that he’s telling the truth. Nowadays, some say in the diaspora that we trust someone who claims he’s a cohen to get the first aliyah even without any proof.
2. A community should not allow someone to get the first aliyah just because they say that they are a cohen. They need a witness to establish that they are a cohen or have a chazaka, such that it is known that they get the first aliya or do birkat cohanim.

One Witness or Chazaka

1. If someone has one witness he’s trusted to be considered a cohen of chazaka, can get the first aliyah, do birkat cohanim, and eat trumah derabbanan. A father is trusted to say that his son is a cohen.

Two Witnesses

1. If someone has two witnesses that he’s a cohen and his ancestors are cohanim back to the times when cohanim worked on the mizbe’ach, he is a cohen meyuchas and can eat trumah deoritta.

Halachic Documents

1. If someone’s name was written in a halachic document as “So-and-son the cohen” and it was signed by witnesses that is a proof that he is established as a cohen like the cohanim of chazaka nowadays.
2. If someone signed a document as a cohen and there was no witnesses on it, it is questionable if it is a proof that he is a cohen.

Chazaka Based on Father

1. If one witness testifies that the father of an individual is a cohen that isn't proof that he is a cohen because perhaps the father married someone who is forbidden to him. If there is a chazaka that the father is a cohen or there are two witnesses that the father is a cohen then the son is established as a cohen and halacha isn’t concerned that the father married someone forbidden to him.
2. If there was a chazaka that a man’s father was a cohen but there is a rumor that his mother is someone a cohen may not marry the son is not established as a cohen, unless a single witness testifies that the son is in fact a cohen.

Child from Cohen Outside Marriage

1. If a woman had relations with a cohen outside of marriage and then married another cohen within 3 months, the child is not given the privileges of cohen since the identity of the father is not known even though certainly it is a cohen. In the opposite case where she had relations within 3 months of her cohen husband’s death some say that the child is not a cohen.
2. If a non-married woman had relations with a cohen outside of marriage and he admits that it is his son, the child is a cohen. If the father wouldn’t be there and just the mother would say that the child is a cohen she wouldn’t be trusted, though the child can be assumed not to be a mamzer.

Advice of Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid

Mechutanim With Same Names

1. Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid advised that people with the same name shouldn’t marry off their children to each other. Some are not concerned with this at all. Even those who are have certain leniencies:
2. If one of the parents has a double name and the other doesn’t, many hold that it is permitted. For example, if one’s name is Yehuda and the other is Yehuda Leib, there is no concern.
3. If one of the parents goes by another name even though their Hebrew names are the same, some say that there is no concern.
4. The concern doesn’t apply to a step-father of one of the sides, only biological parents.
5. Many poskim hold that there is no concern if the two mother-in-laws have the same name. It is only a concern for two father-in-laws with the same name.

Daughter-in-Law Same Name As Mother-in-Law or Son-in-Law Like Father-in-Law

1. Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid advised that a woman not marry a man whose mother's name is like her name. Similarly, a man should not marry a woman whose father's name is like his name. Some are only concerned for a wife and mother-in-law having the same name and not concerned for a man and a father-in-law having the same name. Reasons suggested for this are ayin hara, in order to be able to fulfill kibbud av v'em by naming one's child after one's parent after they pass away, or so that the wife doesn't call her husband by his first name in front of her father sharing that same name. Some poskim hold that Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid only meant it for his descendants and it isn't halachically binding.
2. It is permitted for one of them to change their name to avoid this issue. Some say adding a name is sufficient, while others argue.
3. There are many leniencies:
   1. If they go by different names even if their real names are the same is fine.
   2. If they go by the same name but their real names are different it is a dispute if that is an issue.
   3. It is worthwhile to marry into a Torah family and not be concerned with the names being the same.
   4. If one has a name and the other has a double name, some poskim hold that it isn't an issue. For example, if one is Leib and the other is Yakov Leib it isn't an issue. Some poskim argue. If one has a double name and one doesn't but they are both called by the same name, some are still lenient, while others are strict in this case.
   5. Some are lenient as long as the names of three generations, namely the father-in-law, son-in-law, and son-in-law's son-in-law aren't the same.
   6. Some allow if the couple gets permission from three rabbis.
4. Someone who knows a couple who wasn't aware for this stringency of Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid doesn't need to tell them about it.
5. If the husband's name is like his mother-in-law or wife like her father-in-law there is no concern.

If Husband and Wife's Names Are Alike

1. Some poskim write that if someone is concerned for Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid if the husband and wife's names are alike they should change one of them.

Two Brothers Marrying Two Sisters

1. Rabbi Yehuda Hachasid writes that two brothers shouldn't marry two sisters. Some question this.
2. Some are concerned about a sister and bother marrying a brother and sister, but others aren't.