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# A ger (convert) is not obligated to mourn for his relatives.<ref>Rama 391:1, against the opinion of the Mordechai in Maseches Semachos</ref> | # A ger (convert) is not obligated to mourn for his relatives.<ref>Rama 391:1, against the opinion of the Mordechai in Maseches Semachos</ref> | ||
# The Rabbis decreed that one whose immediate relative (i.e. one of the seven described above) is in mourning should also act as if he himself is in mourning, as long as he is in the presence of his mourning relative.<ref>Gemara Moed Kattan 20b, Shulchan Aruch 376:6. See Tosfos there regarding one's spouse's relative</ref> Today, however, some believe that this rule is no longer in effect.<ref>Hagahos Maimoni Avel 2:2 writes that the mourners can forgo this right to have their relatives mourn with them, and so the Rama in 376:6 writes that it is assumed that today everyone relinquishes this right.</ref> | # The Rabbis decreed that one whose immediate relative (i.e. one of the seven described above) is in mourning should also act as if he himself is in mourning, as long as he is in the presence of his mourning relative.<ref>Gemara Moed Kattan 20b, Shulchan Aruch 376:6. See Tosfos there regarding one's spouse's relative</ref> Today, however, some believe that this rule is no longer in effect.<ref>Hagahos Maimoni Avel 2:2 writes that the mourners can forgo this right to have their relatives mourn with them, and so the Rama in 376:6 writes that it is assumed that today everyone relinquishes this right.</ref> | ||
# Generally speaking, one does not mourn for a deceased person who has rebelled against Judaism,<ref>Sanhedrin 47a, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 304:5 and Shach 304:8 (applying the Rosh and Mordechai Moed Kattan 886) that even one who sinned only for pleasure, but repeatedly, is also excluded from being mourned), </ref> or one who committed suicide,<ref>Maseches Semachos 2:1, Shluchan Aruch Y.D. 345:1, against the opinion of Ramban in Toras HaAdam pg. 83</ref> although every case | # Generally speaking, one does not mourn for a deceased person who has rebelled against Judaism,<ref>Sanhedrin 47a, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 304:5 and Shach 304:8 (applying the Rosh and Mordechai Moed Kattan 886) that even one who sinned only for pleasure, but repeatedly, is also excluded from being mourned), </ref> or one who committed suicide,<ref>Maseches Semachos 2:1, Shluchan Aruch Y.D. 345:1, against the opinion of Ramban in Toras HaAdam pg. 83</ref> although there are many possible exceptions to this rule, so every case must be determined by a qualified posek.<ref>cf. Chasam Sofer Sh"T Y.D. 326, Ritva Avodah Zarah 18a, Birkei Yosef Y.D. 341:2, Kol Bo Aveilus 1:4:3:39, Yabia Omer vol. 2, no. 24 miluim 15</ref> | ||
# One does not mourn for a baby born prematurely who dies within thirty days of its birth, although there is considerable debate regarding how to determine "premature" in this context.<ref>Cf. Niddah 44b, Shulchan Aruch Y.D 374:8, Rama E.H. 156:4</ref> | |||
==When Aveilus Begins== | |||
# Normally, aveilus begins from the end of the burial.<ref>Moed Kattan 27a (and elsewhere), according to R' Yehoshua regarding turning over the bed. Rashi (Kesuvos 4b) as understood by Ramban (Toras HaAdam pg. 156), holds that aveilus begins from the time that the casket is covered, even before it is placed in the ground, and the burial is only relevant if the body is buried without a casket. However, Shach (Y.D. 373:11) disputes this interpretation of Rashi, and Tosfos (Kesuvos 4b) write that aveilus begin when the stone covering is placed over the grave, or, if there is none, then it begins from the time that the relatives turn away from grave, having considered their burial complete. Bach (Tur Y.D. 375) believes that the Shulchan Aruch paskens like Rashi, but the based upon the Shach just cited, most assume that the aveilus does not begin until the end of the burial. According to Badei Hashulchan 375:2 quoting Daas Torah, the burial is not considered complete until the customary mound of earth is made marking the grave.</ref><ref>Although it is true that the aveilus does not begin until the completion of the burial, the period of aninus (at least for the purpose of davening) appears to end beforehand, from the beginning of the burial. Both Magen Avraham (O.C. 71:1) and Aruch Hashulchan (Y.D. 341:28) write that as soon as the body or casket begins to be covered by earth, the relatives may daven.</ref> Technically, the aveilim can keep their leather shoes on until they get home, but the custom is to remove them immediately after the burial.<ref>Ramban Toras HaAdam pg. 154, Shulchan Aruch 375:1. Badei Hashulchan Biurim "ve'achshav" writes that this may in fact be required according to the Magen Avraham O.C. 554:17, but the Aruch Hashulchan 375:5 writes that this is merely a custom which developed in order to symbolically display the onset of aveilus.</ref> | |||
# A relative who is not accompanying the meis to the place of burial begins the aveilus from the time that (s)he turns away from the meis,<ref>Moed Kattan 22a.</ref> as long as the burial is far enough that those relatives will certainly not make it to the burial.<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 375:2. Ramban (Toras HaAdam pg. 162, based on Rambam Avel 1:5) writes that this is only the case if the meis is being brought to a faraway city, and according to the Dagul Merevavah to Shach 375:1 is how the Shulchan Aruch paskens. However, the Behag (as quoted by Ramban, ibid.) appears to pasken that the relatives begin aveilus from the time that they turn away regardless of where the burial will be, and the Shulchan Aruch quotes this Behag in Y.D. 399:14. According to the Dagul Merevavah and Chachmas Adam (Matzeves Moshe 9), if the burial occurs in the same city, but a relative turns away from the procession and will certainly not return, such as on erev Yom Tov, this too would be enough to start aveilus.</ref> However, if the burial is being done in the city's cemetery, the aneinus ends without the aveilus beginning until those who were busy with the burial return<ref>Ramabn Toras HaAdam pg. 163, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 375:2 as interpreted by Aruch Hashulchan 375:8 and paskened by Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:253 and Badei Hashulchan 375:11. However, Radbaz Sh"T 4:63 understands that even according to Ramban, once night falls, or once the relatives can be certain that the burial has occurred, they begin aveilus even if the burial occurred within their city despite not being present at the burial itself. See also Minchas Shelomo 1:91:25 regarding contemporary situations.</ref> If the head of the family does not accompany the meis to the burial, then even the relatives who have stayed behind begin aveilus only after the burial.<ref>Tosfos Moed Kattan 22a, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 375:2</ref> | |||
== | ==Prohibitions for the Avel== | ||
# | # The avel is prohibited from working or leaving the house | ||
# | # washing/bathing/anoiting | ||
# | # wearing shoes | ||
# | # tashmish hamitah | ||
# learning Torah | |||
# greeting others | |||
# Today, the custom is not to turn over the beds or wrap one's head. | |||
# laundering clothing and wearing freshly laundered clothing | |||
# haircutting and shaving | |||
# other practices | |||
==Tefillin for a Mourner== | ==Tefillin for a Mourner== | ||
# On the first day of Shiva, if the burial is was on the same day as the passing, an Avel may not wear Tefillin, as the first day is most bitter.<ref> | # On the first day of Shiva, if the burial is was on the same day as the passing, an Avel may not wear Tefillin, as the first day is most bitter.<ref> | ||
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# The Minhag is to wear Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin during Avelut.<ref>The Chidah (Birkei Yosef) paskened that one shouldn't wear Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin, as it's a Machaloket HaMekubalim and Shev ve'al Ta'aseh Adif. The Ben Ish Chai (ibid and Od Yosef Chai Vayera 11, 12, 45) claims that the Minhag in Yerushalayim and Baghdad was like the Rashash to wear Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin, so he disagrees with the Chidah. This is also the opinion of the Kaf HaChaim (OC 38:21), who says that, among other considerations, based on the Siddur HaChidah and the fact that we wear them beTorat Chiyuv, the Avel should wear them. HaRav David Yosef (Halacha Brurahh 38:5:13) also paskens this way.</ref> | # The Minhag is to wear Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin during Avelut.<ref>The Chidah (Birkei Yosef) paskened that one shouldn't wear Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin, as it's a Machaloket HaMekubalim and Shev ve'al Ta'aseh Adif. The Ben Ish Chai (ibid and Od Yosef Chai Vayera 11, 12, 45) claims that the Minhag in Yerushalayim and Baghdad was like the Rashash to wear Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin, so he disagrees with the Chidah. This is also the opinion of the Kaf HaChaim (OC 38:21), who says that, among other considerations, based on the Siddur HaChidah and the fact that we wear them beTorat Chiyuv, the Avel should wear them. HaRav David Yosef (Halacha Brurahh 38:5:13) also paskens this way.</ref> | ||
== | ==Aveilus on Shabbos and Yom Tov== | ||
# One is prohibited to display signs of mourning on Shabbos and Yom Tov. | |||
==Comforting the Mourner== | |||
# It is a great Mitzvah for others to comfort a mourner (or "avel," person in mourning). <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1. As it says in Koheles 7:2, it is better to attend a mourner's house than a party. According to the Rambam in Hilchos Avel 14:1, this mitzvah is derabanan, although Rabbeinu Yonah to the beginning of the third chapter of Brachos indicates that one fulfills a mitzvah deoraisa by comforting a mourner</ref> It is crucial to remember that the reason for one's visit to the house of mourning is to comfort the mourner(s), and so one must be considerate to their wishes.<ref>Cf. Sefer Ahavas Chessed 3:6 and Sh"T Teshuvos V'Hanhagos 3:378</ref> | |||
# Those coming to comfort the avel should not initiate conversation but should respond when the mourner begins to speak. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1 </ref> | |||
# A mourner does not have to stand up for his/her guests, even if the guest is a Talmid Chacham or person of high stature.<ref>Moed Kattan 27b, Rama Yoreh Deah 376:1.</ref> However, if the mourner did stand, one need not tell him to sit, and doing so is considered a bad omen.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:2</ref> Some require the avel to stand for a Sefer Torah.<ref>Sh"T Rivevos Efraim 7:230 quotes Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach is quoted as saying that even a mourner must stand for a sefer Torah if it passes by, although the Rivevos Efraim himself appears to be uncertain.</ref> | |||
# One should not say “What could you have done? You can’t change what Hashem decreed.” since this implies that if one were able to change what Hashem decreed, one would have, which is blasphemous. Rather one should accept Hashem’s decrees.<ref>Gemara Bava Kama 38a, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:4</ref> | |||
==At the Beis Ha'Avel (or "Shiva House")== | |||
# The Sages instituted certain additions to [[Bentching]] siad at the beis ha'avel, although customs differ as to the details.<ref>Brachos 46b, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 379:1</ref> | |||
# The minhag is to say Tefillim chapter 49 after [[Shacharit]] and [[Mincha]]. It is good also to learn mishnayot there for the Iylui Nishama. <ref> Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:5 </ref> | # The minhag is to say Tefillim chapter 49 after [[Shacharit]] and [[Mincha]]. It is good also to learn mishnayot there for the Iylui Nishama. <ref> Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:5 </ref> | ||
# Some have the practice not to bring food out of the shiva house<ref>Aruch Hashulchan 376:11</ref> if the person died at home<ref>Tzitz Eliezer (Even Yakov no. 44:4)</ref>, however, there many are lenient about this.<ref>Yosef Ometz p. 192</ref> | # Some have the practice not to bring food out of the shiva house<ref>Aruch Hashulchan 376:11</ref> if the person died at home<ref>Tzitz Eliezer (Even Yakov no. 44:4)</ref>, however, there many are lenient about this.<ref>Yosef Ometz p. 192</ref> | ||
