Kibud Av V'Em: Difference between revisions
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Honoring (Kibud Av V'Em) and being in awe (Moreh Av V'Em) of one's parents are positive [[mitzvot]]. <ref>The Rambam counts both Kibud Av VeEm (Aseh #210) and Moreh Av VeEm (Aseh #211) as positive [[mitzvot]]. The Sefer Hachinuch (Mitzvah #33 and #212) agrees. Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1 codifies this as halacha.</ref> One should be very careful in [[honoring one's parents]] as the Torah compares [[honoring one's parents]] to honoring Hashem and in some respects it is greater.<ref>Gemara [[Kiddushin]] 30b and Bava Metsia 32a. This gemara is quoted by the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:1 and Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1. Yerushalmi ([[Kiddushin]] 1:7) quotes Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai who says that Kibbud Av is greater than honoring Hashem! The Yerushalmi is referenced by the Ritva Bava Metsia 32a s.v. salka, Ran [[Kiddushin]] 13b, and Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1. </ref> | Honoring (Kibud Av V'Em) and being in awe (Moreh Av V'Em) of one's parents are positive [[mitzvot]].<ref>The Rambam counts both Kibud Av VeEm (Aseh #210) and Moreh Av VeEm (Aseh #211) as positive [[mitzvot]]. The Sefer Hachinuch (Mitzvah #33 and #212) agrees. Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1 codifies this as halacha.</ref> One should be very careful in [[honoring one's parents]] as the Torah compares [[honoring one's parents]] to honoring Hashem and in some respects it is greater.<ref>Gemara [[Kiddushin]] 30b and Bava Metsia 32a. This gemara is quoted by the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:1 and Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1. Yerushalmi ([[Kiddushin]] 1:7) quotes Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai who says that Kibbud Av is greater than honoring Hashem! The Yerushalmi is referenced by the Ritva Bava Metsia 32a s.v. salka, Ran [[Kiddushin]] 13b, and Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:1. </ref> | ||
==General guidelines to the Mitzvah== | ==General guidelines to the Mitzvah== | ||
#When fulfilling this mitzvah, one should realize that one is doing so in order to fulfill a mitzvah and not simply because it is logical and moral. <ref>Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:2-3. see the machloket in the poskim quoted in Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 100</ref> | #When fulfilling this mitzvah, one should realize that one is doing so in order to fulfill a mitzvah and not simply because it is logical and moral.<ref>Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:2-3. see the machloket in the poskim quoted in Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 100</ref> | ||
#There is no [[Birchot HaMitzvah|bracha]] for the mitzvah of Kibud Av V'Em. Some explain that the reason is because the actions done by a Jew to fulfill the mitzvah are the same ones a non-Jew would do to honor his parents as a moral obligation. Since the primary difference between a Jew and non-Jew who take such actions is the intent, for such an action one may not say "Asher Kideshanu" - we were commanded in this specific action. <ref>Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:4, Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 75</ref> | #There is no [[Birchot HaMitzvah|bracha]] for the mitzvah of Kibud Av V'Em. Some explain that the reason is because the actions done by a Jew to fulfill the mitzvah are the same ones a non-Jew would do to honor his parents as a moral obligation. Since the primary difference between a Jew and non-Jew who take such actions is the intent, for such an action one may not say "Asher Kideshanu" - we were commanded in this specific action.<ref>Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:4, Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 75</ref> | ||
#In principle, the mitzvah of honoring and having awe applies equally to one's father as it does to one's mother.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Hilchot Kibbud Va'em Pg. 66 </ref> However, if one's parents are married, honoring one's father takes precedence since one's mother also has to honor one's father.<ref>Gemara [[Kiddushin]] 31a, Tur 240, Shulchan Aruch YD 240:14, Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:7</ref> | #In principle, the mitzvah of honoring and having awe applies equally to one's father as it does to one's mother.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Hilchot Kibbud Va'em Pg. 66 </ref> However, if one's parents are married, honoring one's father takes precedence since one's mother also has to honor one's father.<ref>Gemara [[Kiddushin]] 31a, Tur 240, Shulchan Aruch YD 240:14, Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:7</ref> | ||
#If one's parents ask him to violate some from the Torah or even something that is only rabbinically forbidden, one should not listen to them.<ref>Gemara Bava Metsia 32a, Yevamot 5b, Rambam (Mamrim 6:12). Shulchan Aruch YD 240:15 </ref> | #If one's parents ask him to violate some from the Torah or even something that is only rabbinically forbidden, one should not listen to them.<ref>Gemara Bava Metsia 32a, Yevamot 5b, Rambam (Mamrim 6:12). Shulchan Aruch YD 240:15 </ref> | ||
#In principle, a man and woman are equally obligated in honoring or being in awe of one's parents. If a woman is married, however, she is exempt from honoring her parents. Yet, if her husband isn't meticulous, she is obligated to honor her parents as much as possible. <ref>[[Kiddushin]] 30b, Shulchan Aruch YD 240:16, Shach YD 240:19, Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:38</ref> | #In principle, a man and woman are equally obligated in honoring or being in awe of one's parents. If a woman is married, however, she is exempt from honoring her parents. Yet, if her husband isn't meticulous, she is obligated to honor her parents as much as possible.<ref>[[Kiddushin]] 30b, Shulchan Aruch YD 240:16, Shach YD 240:19, Aruch HaShulchan YD 240:38</ref> | ||
#The mitzvah of kibbud av va'em is fundamentally a mitzvah bein adam lachavero. Therefore, even one who repents on Yom Kippur and confesses this sin before Hashem, must ask them for forgiveness. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 100 </ref> | #The mitzvah of kibbud av va'em is fundamentally a mitzvah bein adam lachavero. Therefore, even one who repents on Yom Kippur and confesses this sin before Hashem, must ask them for forgiveness.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 100 </ref> | ||
==Honoring One's Parents== | ==Honoring One's Parents== | ||
#Included in [[honoring one's parents]] is feeding, dressing, and helping them walk. When one is doing such an activity, one should do it with a smile. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:3</ref> | #Included in [[honoring one's parents]] is feeding, dressing, and helping them walk. When one is doing such an activity, one should do it with a smile.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:3</ref> | ||
#If one sees one's parent do a sin, one shouldn't say "you sinned" but rather "father, doesn't it say in Torah such and such?" in a question form and the parent will understand and not be embarrassed. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:10</ref> | #If one sees one's parent do a sin, one shouldn't say "you sinned" but rather "father, doesn't it say in Torah such and such?" in a question form and the parent will understand and not be embarrassed.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:10</ref> | ||
#Although one should not generally take care of his own need such as shopping before praying in the morning, one is permitted to go out and buy groceries for his parents even before prayers. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 108 </ref> | #Although one should not generally take care of his own need such as shopping before praying in the morning, one is permitted to go out and buy groceries for his parents even before prayers.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 108 </ref> | ||
#If one's parents tell them to violate a Biblical or even a rabbinic prohibition, one shouldn't listen.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:11</ref> | #If one's parents tell them to violate a Biblical or even a rabbinic prohibition, one shouldn't listen.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:11</ref> | ||
#If one's parents objects to one doing a specific chumra, technically one doesn't have to listen to one's parents since that isn't included in Kibbud Av Vem.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423). He cites the Agudat Ezov YD 16 who writes about a case where a parent asks a child not to keep [[yashan]] because he is afraid that doing so will cause him to be unhealthy and malnourished. He writes that it isn't necessary to listen since it doesn't directly affect the parents. Nonetheless, it is proper to be strict regarding Kibbud Av Vem and listen to them. He also cites the Meishivat Nefesh 16 who writes that if the father is commanding him because he wants him not to be strict then one doesn't have to listen. But if he has another reason such as he is pained by the fact that the child is in pain then he has to listen. Lastly, he cites Beer Moshe 1:61:2 that if the chumra has a basis in gemara then he doesn't have to listen to his parents, but it doesn't then he must listen to them.</ref> However, if it causes them pain then it isn't advised to disobey their wishes and doing so is spiritually worse than keeping that pious practice.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423), Teshuvot Vehanhagot 1:526. As a precedent the Teshuvot Vehanhagot records that the Arizal's practice was to go to mikveh each day but when his mother asked him not to go in the winter for his health he listened. Another precedent of this can be seen in the Sefer Chasidim 340 who writes that a person shouldn't fast a non-obligatory fast if it causes pain to one's parents. This is cited by the Ben Ish Chai Shoftim 25 and Yalkut Yosef Kibud Av Vem p. 425. See also Igrot Moshe YD 4:24:1 who writes that if someone is strict about something and his parents aren't but really the halacha is to permit it, then he can be lenient when he is with his parents such as to eat with them something that otherwise he wouldn't eat.</ref> | #If one's parents objects to one doing a specific chumra, technically one doesn't have to listen to one's parents since that isn't included in Kibbud Av Vem.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423). He cites the Agudat Ezov YD 16 who writes about a case where a parent asks a child not to keep [[yashan]] because he is afraid that doing so will cause him to be unhealthy and malnourished. He writes that it isn't necessary to listen since it doesn't directly affect the parents. Nonetheless, it is proper to be strict regarding Kibbud Av Vem and listen to them. He also cites the Meishivat Nefesh 16 who writes that if the father is commanding him because he wants him not to be strict then one doesn't have to listen. But if he has another reason such as he is pained by the fact that the child is in pain then he has to listen. Lastly, he cites Beer Moshe 1:61:2 that if the chumra has a basis in gemara then he doesn't have to listen to his parents, but it doesn't then he must listen to them.</ref> However, if it causes them pain then it isn't advised to disobey their wishes and doing so is spiritually worse than keeping that pious practice.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423), Teshuvot Vehanhagot 1:526. As a precedent the Teshuvot Vehanhagot records that the Arizal's practice was to go to mikveh each day but when his mother asked him not to go in the winter for his health he listened. Another precedent of this can be seen in the Sefer Chasidim 340 who writes that a person shouldn't fast a non-obligatory fast if it causes pain to one's parents. This is cited by the Ben Ish Chai Shoftim 25 and Yalkut Yosef Kibud Av Vem p. 425. See also Igrot Moshe YD 4:24:1 who writes that if someone is strict about something and his parents aren't but really the halacha is to permit it, then he can be lenient when he is with his parents such as to eat with them something that otherwise he wouldn't eat.</ref> | ||
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===Honoring in Thought=== | ===Honoring in Thought=== | ||
#One must honor his parents in thought as well. One should imagine that his parents are the most important people in the world even if other people do not see it that way. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av pg. 110 </ref> | #One must honor his parents in thought as well. One should imagine that his parents are the most important people in the world even if other people do not see it that way.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av pg. 110 </ref> | ||
===Spending Money on One's Parents=== | ===Spending Money on One's Parents=== | ||
#Even though the cost of fulfilling the mitzva of kibbud av va'em is supposed to come from the parents' money, if the child chooses to pay, it is considered a mitzva. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 124 </ref> | #Even though the cost of fulfilling the mitzva of kibbud av va'em is supposed to come from the parents' money, if the child chooses to pay, it is considered a mitzva.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 124 </ref> | ||
#If one's parents need financial support, it is proper for him to limit his spending somewhat so that he can give to his parents. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 123 </ref> | #If one's parents need financial support, it is proper for him to limit his spending somewhat so that he can give to his parents.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 123 </ref> | ||
==Calling Your Parents by Name== | ==Calling Your Parents by Name== | ||
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==Honoring Grandparents== | ==Honoring Grandparents== | ||
#There's a mitzvah to honor one's grandparents, but to a lesser extent than the mitzvah to honor one's parents. <ref>Rama (responsa 118) and Rama YD 240:24.</ref> Others, however, hold that there's no special mitzvah for grandparents more than the general mitzvah to respect elders.<ref>Maharik 30. See, however, Biur Hagra who draws a compromise that there's no mitzvah to honor maternal grandparents.</ref> | #There's a mitzvah to honor one's grandparents, but to a lesser extent than the mitzvah to honor one's parents.<ref>Rama (responsa 118) and Rama YD 240:24.</ref> Others, however, hold that there's no special mitzvah for grandparents more than the general mitzvah to respect elders.<ref>Maharik 30. See, however, Biur Hagra who draws a compromise that there's no mitzvah to honor maternal grandparents.</ref> | ||
==Honoring One's Step-Parents== | ==Honoring One's Step-Parents== | ||
#One is obligated to honor one's father's wife (step-mother) as long as one's father is alive. It is proper to honor her even after one's father's death. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:20</ref> | #One is obligated to honor one's father's wife (step-mother) as long as one's father is alive. It is proper to honor her even after one's father's death.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:20</ref> | ||
#One is obligated to honor one's mother's husband (step-father) as long as one's mother is alive. It is proper to honor him even after one's mother's death. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:20</ref> | #One is obligated to honor one's mother's husband (step-father) as long as one's mother is alive. It is proper to honor him even after one's mother's death.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:20</ref> | ||
#A convert should honor his non-Jewish parents and he may not curse his non-Jewish parents or disgrace them. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:22</ref> | #A convert should honor his non-Jewish parents and he may not curse his non-Jewish parents or disgrace them.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:22</ref> | ||
==Honoring In-Laws== | ==Honoring In-Laws== | ||
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#One shouldn't stand in the place where one's father usually stands to daven or sit in the place he usually sits at home.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:2</ref> | #One shouldn't stand in the place where one's father usually stands to daven or sit in the place he usually sits at home.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:2</ref> | ||
#One may not contradict his words or even say that one agrees with his words in front of him. <ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:2</ref> | #One may not contradict his words or even say that one agrees with his words in front of him.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:2</ref> | ||
#Some are of the opinion that due to the obligation of Moreh Av Va'Em, one must listen to the directive of one's parents, even if it does not directly benefit the parent.<ref>Sefer HaMakneh, Kiddushin 31b s.v. "Tanu Rabanan Eizehu". An exception to this position is if doing so causes a substantial loss for the child. These losses can be financial or in other ways that would cause much disruption in the child's life (e.g. completely changing from Ashkenazic to Sephardic minhagim, according to Rav Elyashiv)). This is in contrast to the Rabman, Rashba and Ritva (Yevamot 6a), which state that the mitzvah of Kibud Av Va'Em is servicing the parents. This definition does not include obeying one's parents when the directive does not directly benefit them. The Vilna Gaon (Biur HaGra on Yoreh Deah 240:36) asserts that this is the position of the Mechaber and the Rama in Shulchan Aruch. This is also the common practice as well. </ref> The exception to this position is the directive of a parent for a child to not to marry his desired spouse, which a child is permitted to disregard. <ref>The Rama (ibid) codifies this as the halacha, quoting Shu"t Maharik (Siman 167). According to the position of the Ramban, Rashba and Ritva, where a child must obey a parent's directive only if it directly benefits the parents, a son choosing who to marry does not directly benefit the parents. Therefore, it would be permitted for a child to disregard such a directive. According to the position of the Sefer HaMakneh, where a child must obey a directive even if it does not directly benefit his parents, it would still be permitted to disregard this specific directive as obeying one's parents would cause a child to refrain from marrying and having a children, something from which he is halachikally obligated to do. Even though it is permissible to not obey parents' wishes for who their children marry, naturally, the parents should not be expected to support the child and his spouse afterwards. </ref> | #Some are of the opinion that due to the obligation of Moreh Av Va'Em, one must listen to the directive of one's parents, even if it does not directly benefit the parent.<ref>Sefer HaMakneh, Kiddushin 31b s.v. "Tanu Rabanan Eizehu". An exception to this position is if doing so causes a substantial loss for the child. These losses can be financial or in other ways that would cause much disruption in the child's life (e.g. completely changing from Ashkenazic to Sephardic minhagim, according to Rav Elyashiv)). This is in contrast to the Rabman, Rashba and Ritva (Yevamot 6a), which state that the mitzvah of Kibud Av Va'Em is servicing the parents. This definition does not include obeying one's parents when the directive does not directly benefit them. The Vilna Gaon (Biur HaGra on Yoreh Deah 240:36) asserts that this is the position of the Mechaber and the Rama in Shulchan Aruch. This is also the common practice as well. </ref> The exception to this position is the directive of a parent for a child to not to marry his desired spouse, which a child is permitted to disregard.<ref>The Rama (ibid) codifies this as the halacha, quoting Shu"t Maharik (Siman 167). According to the position of the Ramban, Rashba and Ritva, where a child must obey a parent's directive only if it directly benefits the parents, a son choosing who to marry does not directly benefit the parents. Therefore, it would be permitted for a child to disregard such a directive. According to the position of the Sefer HaMakneh, where a child must obey a directive even if it does not directly benefit his parents, it would still be permitted to disregard this specific directive as obeying one's parents would cause a child to refrain from marrying and having a children, something from which he is halachikally obligated to do. Even though it is permissible to not obey parents' wishes for who their children marry, naturally, the parents should not be expected to support the child and his spouse afterwards. </ref> | ||
==Injuring One's Parents== | ==Injuring One's Parents== | ||
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==Swearing in Parent's Name== | ==Swearing in Parent's Name== | ||
#Children must be careful not to swear on their parent's lives. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Va'em pg. 150 </ref> | #Children must be careful not to swear on their parent's lives.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Va'em pg. 150 </ref> | ||
==If One's Parents Passed Away== | ==If One's Parents Passed Away== | ||
#If one lost his parents, he can still perform some acts of kibbud after their death, He should also respect older people, rabbis, and older siblings in the manner that he would have respected his parents. <ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Va'em pg. 65 </ref> | #If one lost his parents, he can still perform some acts of kibbud after their death, He should also respect older people, rabbis, and older siblings in the manner that he would have respected his parents.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Va'em pg. 65 </ref> | ||
#The Gemara in [https://www.sefaria.org/Kiddushin.31b.11?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en Kiddushin] asks "?במותו כיצד"— "How can one honor his father in his death?"—and answers that if the son heard something that his father had said, he should not claim, "כך אמר אבא" —"So said father."—but rather, the son should proclaim, "כך אמר אבא מרי הריני כפרת משכבו"—"So said father, my teacher. May I be an atonement for his soul." The Gamara there explains that this applies within one year after his death. After that time, the son may say "זכרונו לברכה לחיי העולם הבא"—"Blessed is his memory for the Life of the World to Come." <ref name=":0" /> | #The Gemara in [https://www.sefaria.org/Kiddushin.31b.11?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en Kiddushin] asks "?במותו כיצד"— "How can one honor his father in his death?"—and answers that if the son heard something that his father had said, he should not claim, "כך אמר אבא" —"So said father."—but rather, the son should proclaim, "כך אמר אבא מרי הריני כפרת משכבו"—"So said father, my teacher. May I be an atonement for his soul." The Gamara there explains that this applies within one year after his death. After that time, the son may say "זכרונו לברכה לחיי העולם הבא"—"Blessed is his memory for the Life of the World to Come." <ref name=":0" /> | ||
