Kibud Av V'Em: Difference between revisions
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==Honoring One's Parents== | ==Honoring One's Parents== | ||
#Included in [[honoring one's parents]] is feeding, dressing, and helping them walk. When one is doing such an activity, one should do it with a smile.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:3</ref> | #Included in [[honoring one's parents]] is feeding, dressing, and helping them walk. When one is doing such an activity, one should do it with a smile.<ref>Shulchan Aruch YD 240:4; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:3</ref> | ||
#If one sees one's parent do a sin, one shouldn't say "you sinned" but rather "father, doesn't it say in Torah such and such?" in a question form and the parent will understand and not be embarrassed.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:10</ref> | #If one sees one's parent do a sin, one shouldn't say "you sinned" but rather "father, doesn't it say in Torah such and such?" in a question form and the parent will understand and not be embarrassed.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:10</ref> | ||
#Although one should not generally take care of his own need such as shopping before praying in the morning, one is permitted to go out and buy groceries for his parents even before prayers.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 108 </ref> | #Although one should not generally take care of his own need such as shopping before praying in the morning, one is permitted to go out and buy groceries for his parents even before prayers.<ref>Yalkut Yosef Kibbud Av Va'em pg. 108 </ref> | ||
#If one's parents tell them to violate a | #If one's parents tell them to violate a biblical or even a rabbinic prohibition, one shouldn't listen.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:11</ref> | ||
#If one's parents objects to one doing a specific chumra, technically one doesn't have to listen to one's parents since that isn't included in Kibbud Av Vem.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423). He cites the Agudat Ezov YD 16 who writes about a case where a parent asks a child not to keep [[yashan]] because he is afraid that doing so will cause him to be unhealthy and malnourished. He writes that it isn't necessary to listen since it doesn't directly affect the parents. Nonetheless, it is proper to be strict regarding Kibbud Av Vem and listen to them. He also cites the Meishivat Nefesh 16 who writes that if the father is commanding him because he wants him not to be strict then one doesn't have to listen. But if he has another reason such as he is pained by the fact that the child is in pain then he has to listen. Lastly, he cites Beer Moshe 1:61:2 that if the chumra has a basis in gemara then he doesn't have to listen to his parents, but it doesn't then he must listen to them.</ref> However, if | #If one's parents objects to one doing a specific chumra, technically one doesn't have to listen to one's parents since that isn't included in Kibbud Av Vem.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423). He cites the Agudat Ezov YD 16 who writes about a case where a parent asks a child not to keep [[yashan]] because he is afraid that doing so will cause him to be unhealthy and malnourished. He writes that it isn't necessary to listen since it doesn't directly affect the parents. Nonetheless, it is proper to be strict regarding Kibbud Av Vem and listen to them. He also cites the Meishivat Nefesh 16 who writes that if the father is commanding him because he wants him not to be strict then one doesn't have to listen. But if he has another reason such as he is pained by the fact that the child is in pain then he has to listen. Lastly, he cites Beer Moshe 1:61:2 that if the chumra has a basis in gemara then he doesn't have to listen to his parents, but it doesn't then he must listen to them.</ref> However, if doing the chumra will cause his parents pain then it isn't advised to disobey their wishes and doing so is spiritually worse than keeping that pious practice.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (Kibbud Av Vem p. 423), Teshuvot Vehanhagot 1:526. As a precedent the Teshuvot Vehanhagot records that the Arizal's practice was to go to mikveh each day but when his mother asked him not to go in the winter for his health he listened. Another precedent of this can be seen in the Sefer Chasidim 340 who writes that a person shouldn't fast a non-obligatory fast if it causes pain to one's parents. This is cited by the Ben Ish Chai Shoftim 25 and Yalkut Yosef Kibud Av Vem p. 425. See also Igrot Moshe YD 4:24:1 who writes that if someone is strict about something and his parents aren't but really the halacha is to permit it, then he can be lenient when he is with his parents such as to eat with them something that otherwise he wouldn't eat.</ref> | ||
===Standing for One's Parents=== | ===Standing for One's Parents=== | ||
#One must stand before one's mother and father<ref name=":0">Gemara [[Kiddushin]] 31b records Rav Yosef's practice to stand for his mother. Rambam Mamrim 6:3 writes that there is an obligation to stand for one's parents. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:7 | #One must stand before one's mother and father<ref name=":0">Gemara [[Kiddushin]] 31b records Rav Yosef's practice to stand for his mother. Rambam Mamrim 6:3 writes that there is an obligation to stand for one's parents. This is codified one Shulchan Aruch YD 240:7 and Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:7</ref> unless they forgo this honor.<ref>Rav Mordechai Eliyahu's comment on Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:7</ref> | ||
#One should stand for one's parent once he enters one's eyesight.<ref>Chaye Adam 67:7, Chiddushei Rav Chaim HaLevi (Talmud Torah 5:1)</ref> | #One should stand for one's parent once he enters one's eyesight.<ref>Chaye Adam 67:7, Chiddushei Rav Chaim HaLevi (Talmud Torah 5:1)</ref> | ||
#According to Ashkenazim one only needs to stand once a day and once a night.<ref>Chaye Adam 67:7</ref> According to Sephardim, one should stand every time a parent enters the room even if it is a hundred times a day.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (YD ch. 4 n. 8)</ref> | #According to Ashkenazim one only needs to stand once a day and once a night.<ref>Chaye Adam 67:7</ref> According to Sephardim, one should stand every time a parent enters the room even if it is a hundred times a day.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (YD ch. 4 n. 8)</ref> | ||
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==Calling Your Parents by Name== | ==Calling Your Parents by Name== | ||
#It is forbidden to call your parents by their name.<ref>Mar Bar Rav Ashi wouldn't call his father by his name and instead would say my father my master. Rambam (Hilchot Mamrim 6:3) rules that it is forbidden to call one's father by his personal name. Shulchan Aruch | #It is forbidden to call your parents by their name.<ref>Mar Bar Rav Ashi wouldn't call his father by his name and instead would say my father my master. Rambam (Hilchot Mamrim 6:3) rules that it is forbidden to call one's father by his personal name. Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 240:2 codifies this as halacha.</ref> This applies when they're alive as well as after they pass away.<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 240:2</ref> It is forbidden even not in their presence.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (YD 240, Morah Av Vem 5:59)</ref> | ||
#One may not call one's friends by the name of one's father but rather should call them by a nickname. If one's parent's name is common one may call one's friend by that name not in front of one's parent.<ref>Rambam Mamrim 6:3, Shulchan Aruch | # It is permitted to call one's parents by their name if one introduces it with an honorific title like "My father my master". When one speaks to one's parent directly one should call them "father" and "mother" or the like.<ref>Yalkut Yosef (YD 240, Morah Av Vem 5:59)</ref> | ||
# If someone is being called up to the Torah and the Gabbay asks for his father's name he should say your name then "בן רבי" (English "ben rebbe"; trans. "the son of my teacher...") and then your father's name. This is permitted since one introduced one's father with an honorific. Unfortunately this isn't a well known halacha and as such the Gabbay should prompt the one getting the Aliyah to give him his name and say Rebbe before his father's name.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva YD 240:2, Kibud Av V'em Vmoram (R' Efraim Oved, 6:7 p. 41). R' Oved explains that the Eretz Tzvi 97 allows introducing one's father's name with "my father" based on the Gra and Pri Chadash. However, the Ben Ish Chai Shoftim n. 4 implies that it is forbidden to say but permitted to write. Ura Kevodi p. 145 cites Chut Shani p. 279 and Igrot Moshe YD 1:133 who also hold that before telling the Gabbay the name of one's father one should say Rebbe as an honor. Rav Elyashiv (Mevakshei Torah 5:24:194) held that since it is in public he should say a significant honorific such as "my father my master rebbe" before the name. He also cites Yabia Omer YD 15:5 and Yafeh Lelev YD 3:10 who allow saying one's father's name if one says his name "the son of" which in it of itself is like an introduction of honor.</ref> | |||
#One may not call one's friends by the name of one's father but rather should call them by a nickname. If one's parent's name is common one may call one's friend by that name not in front of one's parent.<ref>Rambam Mamrim 6:3, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 240:2</ref> | |||
#If one's parent foregoes this honor, one may address them by their name, yet there is still a mitzvah not to call them by their name. If one uses a term of honor such as Mom or Dad one may call them by their name.<ref>Igrot Moshe YD 1:133</ref> | #If one's parent foregoes this honor, one may address them by their name, yet there is still a mitzvah not to call them by their name. If one uses a term of honor such as Mom or Dad one may call them by their name.<ref>Igrot Moshe YD 1:133</ref> | ||
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==Honoring One's Step-Parents== | ==Honoring One's Step-Parents== | ||
#One is obligated to honor one's father's wife (step-mother) as long as one's father is alive. It is proper to honor her even after one's father's death.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:20</ref> | #One is obligated to honor one's father's wife (step-mother) as long as one's father is alive. It is proper to honor her even after one's father's death.<ref>Shulchan Aruch YD 240:21; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:20</ref> | ||
#One is obligated to honor one's mother's husband (step-father) as long as one's mother is alive. It is proper to honor him even after one's mother's death.<ref> | #One is obligated to honor one's mother's husband (step-father) as long as one's mother is alive. It is proper to honor him even after one's mother's death.<ref>Ibid.</ref> | ||
#A convert should honor his non-Jewish parents and he may not curse his non-Jewish parents or disgrace them.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:22</ref> | #A convert should honor his non-Jewish parents and he may not curse his non-Jewish parents or disgrace them.<ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:22</ref> | ||
==Honoring In-Laws== | ==Honoring In-Laws== | ||
#One must respect his parents-in-law.<ref>Shulchan Aruch YD 240:24</ref> | |||
#Though one must show respect to his in-laws as much as possible such as standing up, one does not need to respect his in-laws in the same way that he must his own parents.<ref>Yechave Daat 6:51 </ref> | #Though one must show respect to his in-laws as much as possible such as standing up, one does not need to respect his in-laws in the same way that he must his own parents.<ref>Yechave Daat 6:51 </ref> | ||
