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Hurting Others' Feelings: Difference between revisions
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==Definition and Source== | ==Definition and Source== | ||
# Onaat Devarim is the prohibition to say anything that would pain, anger, hurt, frighten, bother or embarrass another person. <ref> The gemara in Bava Metzia 58b derives this prohibition from the pasuk in Vayikra 25:17 וְלֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ כִּי אֲנִי יְקֹוָק אֱלֹהֵיכֶם, "one shall not aggrieve his fellow, and you shall fear your G-d, for I am Hashem your G-d." This is brought down as halacha by the S"A Choshen Mishpat 228:1. The gemara and S"A there say that this is worse than onaat mamon (overcharging) because 1. it cannot be undone and 2. it injures the person himself, not just his money. Rambam in Hilchot Deot 6:3 and Hilchot Teshuva 3:14 writes that one who regularly shames others has no portion in the World to Come. </ref> | # Onaat Devarim is the prohibition to say anything that would pain, anger, hurt, frighten, bother or embarrass another person. <ref> The gemara in Bava Metzia 58b derives this prohibition from the pasuk in Vayikra 25:17 וְלֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ כִּי אֲנִי יְקֹוָק אֱלֹהֵיכֶם, "one shall not aggrieve his fellow, and you shall fear your G-d, for I am Hashem your G-d." This is brought down as halacha by the S"A Choshen Mishpat 228:1. The gemara and S"A there say that this is worse than onaat mamon (overcharging) because 1. it cannot be undone and 2. it injures the person himself, not just his money. Rambam in Hilchot Deot 6:3 and Hilchot Teshuva 3:14 writes that one who regularly shames others has no portion in the World to Come. Chazon Ish Letters volume 1 #211 says that this prohibition applies even if the discomfort will only me momentary </ref> | ||
==Who is Obligated?== | ==Who is Obligated?== | ||
# This obligation applies at all times, in all places, to all Jewish men and women. One must also train one’s children in this obligation. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85. </ref> | # This obligation applies at all times, in all places, to all Jewish men and women. One must also train one’s children in this obligation. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85. Shaare Teshuva 3:214 writes that this prohibition applies even when nobody else is present, even between husband and wife or parents and children. </ref> | ||
# It is prohibited even to hurt the feeling of a child. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85. </ref> | # It is prohibited even to hurt the feeling of a child. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85, Sefer Hachinnuch 338. In Bastion of Faith by Avraham Fishelis page 16 he tells a story that when Rav Moshe Feinstein’s young grandchild was playing with some friends, he saw his grandfather pass by and immediately ran to him. Rav Moshe kissed his grandchild and then also kissed the other children, so as not to hurt their feelings. </ref> | ||
# One should be extra careful not to hurt the feelings of a convert <ref> S"A CM 228:2 </ref> as well as one's own wife. <ref> S"A CM 228:3. </ref> | # One should be extra careful not to hurt the feelings of a convert <ref> S"A CM 228:2 </ref> as well as one's own wife. <ref> S"A CM 228:3. </ref> | ||
==When is one Liable?== | ==When is one Liable?== | ||
# This prohibition applies even if one simply gestured or wrote something that hurt somebody else without actually saying it. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 86 quotes the Chafetz Chaim in Chovat Hashmira that onaat devarim, like Lashon Harah is violated even through writing and gesturing even though devarim literally means words. He quotes the Sefer Yiraim that even displaying a negative facial expression to someone can be a violation of this transgression. </ref> | # This prohibition applies even if one simply gestured or wrote something that hurt somebody else without actually saying it. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 86 quotes the Chafetz Chaim in Chovat Hashmira that onaat devarim, like Lashon Harah is violated even through writing and gesturing even though devarim literally means words. He quotes the Sefer Yiraim 5:180 that even displaying a negative facial expression to someone can be a violation of this transgression. </ref> | ||
# The main prohibition is violated when the word, action or gesture, was intended to hurt. <ref> Bava Metzia 58b states that the וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ in the passuk of Onaat Devarim refers to the instruction to fear Hashem by not attempting to hurt another, since one could claim that he didn't intend to hurt, but Hashem knows the intention of a person. This is also indicated by the Rambam in Hilchot Mechira 14:18. The Tur and S"A CM 228:5 write in reference to calling someone by a nickname, that it is prohibited if one’s intention is to embarrass him. </ref> Nonetheless, one is obligated to distance oneself from the possibility of causing hurt unintentionally. <ref> Sefer HaChinuch 338 and Mishpatei Hashalom page 90. </ref> | # The main prohibition is violated when the word, action or gesture, was intended to hurt. <ref> Bava Metzia 58b states that the וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ in the passuk of Onaat Devarim refers to the instruction to fear Hashem by not attempting to hurt another, since one could claim that he didn't intend to hurt, but Hashem knows the intention of a person. This is also indicated by the Rambam in Hilchot Mechira 14:18. The Tur and S"A CM 228:5 write in reference to calling someone by a nickname, that it is prohibited if one’s intention is to embarrass him. </ref> Nonetheless, one is obligated to distance oneself from the possibility of causing hurt unintentionally. <ref> Sefer HaChinuch 338 and Mishpatei Hashalom page 90. </ref> | ||
==Specific Applications== | ==Specific Applications== | ||
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# It is prohibited to remind someone of his wounds or of his ugly appearance. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 88 based on Taanit 20. </ref> | # It is prohibited to remind someone of his wounds or of his ugly appearance. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 88 based on Taanit 20. </ref> | ||
# It is prohibited to inform someone that his afflictions came to him because of his sins. <ref> Shulchan Aruch 428:4, based on Bava Metzia 58b. </ref> Nonetheless, it is permitted, and is even a mitzvah, to softly allude to this possibility if one’s goal is to inspire him to repent. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 88 based on Berachot 5a </ref> | # It is prohibited to inform someone that his afflictions came to him because of his sins. <ref> Shulchan Aruch 428:4, based on Bava Metzia 58b. </ref> Nonetheless, it is permitted, and is even a mitzvah, to softly allude to this possibility if one’s goal is to inspire him to repent. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 88 based on Berachot 5a </ref> | ||
# It is prohibited to give rebuke to another person if it cannot be done without embarrassing, insulting or hurting his feelings. <ref> Gemara in Erchin 16b, Rambam Hilchos Dayos 6:8. Rav Chaim Volozhin writes in Keter Rosh 143 that someone who cannot rebuke gently without hurting someone's feelings is exempt from the mitzva to give rebuke. </ref> | |||
===Public Areas=== | ===Public Areas=== | ||
# It is forbidden to wake somebody up unless they either want to be woken up or it is for the fulfillment of a mitzva and it is also forbidden to make a lot of noise thereby preventing somebody from falling asleep. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 87. This is included under Onaat Devarim because the it includes refraining from causing others anger or pain, including stealing their sleep. </ref> | # It is forbidden to wake somebody up unless they either want to be woken up or it is for the fulfillment of a mitzva and it is also forbidden to make a lot of noise thereby preventing somebody from falling asleep. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 87. This is included under Onaat Devarim because the it includes refraining from causing others anger or pain, including stealing their sleep. </ref> | ||
