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Hurting Others' Feelings: Difference between revisions
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# This obligation applies at all times, in all places, to all Jewish men and women. One must also train one’s children in this obligation. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85. Shaare Teshuva 3:214 writes that this prohibition applies even when nobody else is present, even between husband and wife or parents and children. </ref> | # This obligation applies at all times, in all places, to all Jewish men and women. One must also train one’s children in this obligation. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85. Shaare Teshuva 3:214 writes that this prohibition applies even when nobody else is present, even between husband and wife or parents and children. </ref> | ||
# It is prohibited even to hurt the feeling of a child. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85, Sefer Hachinnuch 338. In Bastion of Faith by Avraham Fishelis, page 16, he tells a story that when Rav Moshe Feinstein’s young grandchild was playing with some friends, he saw his grandfather pass by and immediately ran to him. Rav Moshe kissed his grandchild and then also kissed the other children, so as not to hurt their feelings. </ref> | # It is prohibited even to hurt the feeling of a child. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 85, Sefer Hachinnuch 338. In Bastion of Faith by Avraham Fishelis, page 16, he tells a story that when Rav Moshe Feinstein’s young grandchild was playing with some friends, he saw his grandfather pass by and immediately ran to him. Rav Moshe kissed his grandchild and then also kissed the other children, so as not to hurt their feelings. </ref> | ||
# One should be extra careful not to hurt the feelings of a convert <ref> Shulchan Aruch | # One should be extra careful not to hurt the feelings of a convert <ref> Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 228:2 </ref> as well as one's own wife. <ref> Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 228:3. </ref> | ||
==When is one liable?== | ==When is one liable?== | ||
# This prohibition applies even if one simply gestured or wrote something that hurt somebody else without actually saying it. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 86 quotes the Chafetz Chaim in Chovat Hashmira that onaat devarim, like Lashon Harah is violated even through writing and gesturing even though devarim literally means words. He quotes the Sefer Yiraim 5:180 that even displaying a negative facial expression to someone can be a violation of this transgression. </ref> | # This prohibition applies even if one simply gestured or wrote something that hurt somebody else without actually saying it. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 86 quotes the Chafetz Chaim in Chovat Hashmira that onaat devarim, like Lashon Harah is violated even through writing and gesturing even though devarim literally means words. He quotes the Sefer Yiraim 5:180 that even displaying a negative facial expression to someone can be a violation of this transgression. </ref> | ||
# The main prohibition is violated when the word, action or gesture, was intended to hurt. <ref> Bava Metzia 58b states that the וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ in the passuk of [[Onaat Devarim]] refers to the instruction to fear Hashem by not attempting to hurt another, since one could claim that he didn't intend to hurt, but Hashem knows the intention of a person. This is also indicated by the Rambam in Hilchot Mechira 14:18. The Tur and Shulchan Aruch | # The main prohibition is violated when the word, action or gesture, was intended to hurt. <ref> Bava Metzia 58b states that the וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ in the passuk of [[Onaat Devarim]] refers to the instruction to fear Hashem by not attempting to hurt another, since one could claim that he didn't intend to hurt, but Hashem knows the intention of a person. This is also indicated by the Rambam in Hilchot Mechira 14:18. The Tur and Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 228:5 write in reference to calling someone by a nickname, that it is prohibited if one’s intention is to embarrass him. </ref> Nonetheless, one is obligated to distance oneself from the possibility of causing hurt unintentionally. <ref> Sefer HaChinuch 338 and Mishpatei Hashalom page 90. </ref> | ||
==Specific Applications== | ==Specific Applications== | ||
===Negative Reminders=== | ===Negative Reminders=== | ||
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# One may not cause another discomfort by saying a long [[Shmoneh Esrei]] directly behind someone who plans to sit down after being able to take his three steps back. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 91 quoting the Yerushalmi [[Rosh Hashana]] 2:5 </ref> | # One may not cause another discomfort by saying a long [[Shmoneh Esrei]] directly behind someone who plans to sit down after being able to take his three steps back. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 91 quoting the Yerushalmi [[Rosh Hashana]] 2:5 </ref> | ||
# It is prohibited to crowd around an ambulance when the ill person is being brought in, since it causes pain, fright and embarrassment to the family. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 89. </ref> | # It is prohibited to crowd around an ambulance when the ill person is being brought in, since it causes pain, fright and embarrassment to the family. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 89. </ref> | ||
# One may not embarrass another by asking him a question that he may not know the answer to. <ref> Shulchan Aruch | # One may not embarrass another by asking him a question that he may not know the answer to. <ref> Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 428:4 based on Gemara Bava Metzia 58b. </ref> A rabbi may do so under certain circumstances in order to sharpen his students. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 89, Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 246:12, based on Bava Metzia 85a. </ref> | ||
# One may not ask a guest to say a dvar Torah unless one knows that he would be able to say one. <ref> Sefer Chassidim 312 </ref> | # One may not ask a guest to say a dvar Torah unless one knows that he would be able to say one. <ref> Sefer Chassidim 312 </ref> | ||
# One may not make prank phone calls, or perform other practical jokes that are likely to cause any degree of hassle, pain or anguish like calling a fire engine for no reason. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 89 </ref> | # One may not make prank phone calls, or perform other practical jokes that are likely to cause any degree of hassle, pain or anguish like calling a fire engine for no reason. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 89 </ref> | ||
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# Some say that one should not tell a sick person “Ad Me’ah Ve’Esrim” –“May you live until 120” because it may be considered like a curse limiting their time to 120 years. <ref>Rav Yitzchak Zilberstein in Alienu LeShabe’ach writes that one shouldn’t say to a sick person “Ad Me’ah Ve’Esrim” –“May you live until 120” because it may be considered like a curse limiting their time to 120 years. [http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pagefeed/hebrewbooks_org_50515_251.pdf Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz] quotes this and agrees although he posits that the custom is based on the Malbim’s understanding of Beresheet 6:3. See similar quotes [http://www.bhol.co.il/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=1502069&forum_id=13639 here] and in Ein Lamo Michshol (v. 6 n. 4 p. 243). </ref> | # Some say that one should not tell a sick person “Ad Me’ah Ve’Esrim” –“May you live until 120” because it may be considered like a curse limiting their time to 120 years. <ref>Rav Yitzchak Zilberstein in Alienu LeShabe’ach writes that one shouldn’t say to a sick person “Ad Me’ah Ve’Esrim” –“May you live until 120” because it may be considered like a curse limiting their time to 120 years. [http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pagefeed/hebrewbooks_org_50515_251.pdf Rav Gamliel Rabinowitz] quotes this and agrees although he posits that the custom is based on the Malbim’s understanding of Beresheet 6:3. See similar quotes [http://www.bhol.co.il/forums/topic.asp?topic_id=1502069&forum_id=13639 here] and in Ein Lamo Michshol (v. 6 n. 4 p. 243). </ref> | ||
===Financial Hurt=== | ===Financial Hurt=== | ||
# It is prohibited to ask a seller how much an item costs, or to stare at an item, if one has no interest in buying it. <ref> Shulchan Aruch | # It is prohibited to ask a seller how much an item costs, or to stare at an item, if one has no interest in buying it. <ref> Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 28:4 based on Mishna and Gemara Bava Metzia 58b. Meiri there gives two reasons for the prohibition. 1. Other potential customers who observe one’s decision to refrain from purchasing the item would conclude that the item is overpriced and would consequently only buy it for less, causing the seller financial pain. 2. One’s decision to refrain from buying the item, having appeared to be interested, causes the seller to feel dejected. </ref> However, it is permitted if one informs the seller from the onset of one’s intention to only enquire or [[browse]] rather than to buy. <ref> Mishpatei Hashalom page 88. </ref> | ||
==Sources== | ==Sources== | ||
<references/> | <references/> | ||
[[Category:Between Man And His Fellow]] | [[Category:Between Man And His Fellow]] | ||
