Harchakot of Niddah: Difference between revisions
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#Physical affection of any sort is prohibited to a couple during the wife's niddah period. To safeguard this, the Rabbis prohibited any form of physical contact, even of infinitesimal and unaffectionate nature.<ref>Ravyah (Niddah no. 173) and Or Zaruah (1:360) permit non-affectionate touch. All other Rishonim reject this opinion. This includes, Tosfot (Shabbat 13b s.v. biymey), Ramban (Hilchot Niddah 8:3), Rashba ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=347 Torat Habayit Hakatzar 4a]), and Rambam (Isurei Biyah 11:18). Following them, Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 195:2) prohibits any touch, even when not done for pleasure. </ref> | #Physical affection of any sort is prohibited to a couple during the wife's niddah period. To safeguard this, the Rabbis prohibited any form of physical contact, even of infinitesimal and unaffectionate nature.<ref>Ravyah (Niddah no. 173) and Or Zaruah (1:360) permit non-affectionate touch. All other Rishonim reject this opinion. This includes, Tosfot (Shabbat 13b s.v. biymey), Ramban (Hilchot Niddah 8:3), Rashba ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=347 Torat Habayit Hakatzar 4a]), and Rambam (Isurei Biyah 11:18). Following them, Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 195:2) prohibits any touch, even when not done for pleasure. </ref> | ||
#Moreover, the couple must refrain from touching the others outfit that is being worn (e.g., one spouse cannot remove dirt off the other's coat while he/she is wearing it). This is prohibited even if the other can not feel the touch. They must also also prevent their outfits from touching. These restrictions apply only to garments worn, one may touch the other's clothing when not worn.<ref>Rashbatz (Responsa Tashbetz, vol. 3, no. 58), Pitchei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah 195:3), Darchei Tahara (pg. 41), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 86) </ref> | #Moreover, the couple must refrain from touching the others outfit that is being worn (e.g., one spouse cannot remove dirt off the other's coat while he/she is wearing it). This is prohibited even if the other can not feel the touch. They must also also prevent their outfits from touching. These restrictions apply only to garments worn, one may touch the other's clothing when not worn.<ref>Rashbatz (Responsa Tashbetz, vol. 3, no. 58), Pitchei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah 195:3), Darchei Tahara (pg. 41), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 86) </ref> | ||
#Couples may share an umbrella, provided it is large enough to accommodate both with no touch.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 108)</ref> | |||
==Intimate Speech== | ==Intimate Speech== | ||
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===Eating at the Same Table=== | ===Eating at the Same Table=== | ||
#Couples dining suggests intimacy, the Rabbis therefore called for caution in such an intimate setting, forming the | #Couples dining suggests intimacy, the Rabbis therefore called for caution in such an intimate setting, forming the restriction eating at the same table without a physical reminder (often called: "heker") of her niddah status. Examples of such reminders include: placing an object or food item on the table that is not normally kept there and will not be used during the meal<ref>Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 195:3), Taharat Habayit (vol. 1, pg. 119). See also The Laws of Niddah (Rabbi Nacson, pg. 33) | ||
*The Mishna Shabbat 11b establishes that it is forbidden for a man to eat with his wife when she is a zavah so that they don't come to sin. | *The Mishna Shabbat 11b establishes that it is forbidden for a man to eat with his wife when she is a zavah so that they don't come to sin. | ||
*The Rambam writes that it is forbidden for a man to eat on the same place as his wife when she is a niddah. However, the Raavad ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=8785&st=&pgnum=8 Shaar Haperisha no. 1]) argues that it is forbidden even on the same table. Ramban (Hilchot Niddah 8:3), Tur and Shulchan Aruch YD 195:3 follow the Raavad. | *The Rambam writes that it is forbidden for a man to eat on the same place as his wife when she is a niddah. However, the Raavad ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=8785&st=&pgnum=8 Shaar Haperisha no. 1]) argues that it is forbidden even on the same table. Ramban (Hilchot Niddah 8:3), Tur and Shulchan Aruch YD 195:3 follow the Raavad. | ||
*Does Heker Work? The Ravyah (Niddah no. 173) writes that it is forbidden for a man to eat with his wife when she is a niddah even if there is something unusual on the table to remind them. He writes that the rabbis of Narvona agreed with him. The Hagahot Mordechai (Shabbat no. 452) cites this opinion. The Gra YD 195:8 and 88:2 discusses these opinions and their proof from Shabbat 13a. However, the Raavad ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=8785&st=&pgnum=8 Shaar Haperisha no. 1]) holds that it is permitted for a husband to eat at the same table with a niddah as long as there is something to remind them such as only one eating on the tablecloth. The Rashba ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=346 Torat Habayit 3b]), Tur and Shulchan Aruch 195:3 agree. See the Ramban (Hilchot Niddah 8:3) who allows using something unusual only if there's no other table available. | *Does Heker Work? The Ravyah (Niddah no. 173) writes that it is forbidden for a man to eat with his wife when she is a niddah even if there is something unusual on the table to remind them. He writes that the rabbis of Narvona agreed with him. The Hagahot Mordechai (Shabbat no. 452) cites this opinion. The Gra YD 195:8 and 88:2 discusses these opinions and their proof from Shabbat 13a. However, the Raavad ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=8785&st=&pgnum=8 Shaar Haperisha no. 1]) holds that it is permitted for a husband to eat at the same table with a niddah as long as there is something to remind them such as only one eating on the tablecloth. The Rashba ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=346 Torat Habayit 3b]), Tur and Shulchan Aruch 195:3 agree. See the Ramban (Hilchot Niddah 8:3) who allows using something unusual only if there's no other table available. | ||
*What this dispute might be based on? The Sidrei Tahara 195:7 explains that there's two concerns of eating at the same table. The first is that merely eating together is a symbol of endearment. The second is that by eating together at the table they might come to share food on the same plate as we find by eating milk and meat at the same table. He tries to show that this was a dispute between the Raah and Rashba and that the Rosh was concerned for both approaches. According to the first approach, the Sidrei Tahara concludes, that having something unusual on the table is ineffective since either way their eating together will still cause endearment. But according to the second approach as long as there is something unusual on the table they will remember not to share food.</ref>, separate | *What this dispute might be based on? The Sidrei Tahara 195:7 explains that there's two concerns of eating at the same table. The first is that merely eating together is a symbol of endearment. The second is that by eating together at the table they might come to share food on the same plate as we find by eating milk and meat at the same table. He tries to show that this was a dispute between the Raah and Rashba and that the Rosh was concerned for both approaches. According to the first approach, the Sidrei Tahara concludes, that having something unusual on the table is ineffective since either way their eating together will still cause endearment. But according to the second approach as long as there is something unusual on the table they will remember not to share food.</ref>, eating on separate place-mats (if they do not regularly do so) and the changing of seats if if they typically have designated places.<ref>The Rabbenu Yerucham (cited by Bet Yosef 195:3) rules that it is permitted to eat at the same table while seated different from where they typically sit. Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 153:6 and Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 119) hold like Rabbenu Yerucham. See Badei Hashulchan (195:37) however who writes that some are strict not to rely on this leniency.</ref> Sitting far apart from each other on a long table also serves as a sufficient reminder.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 110), The Laws of Niddah (Rabbi Nacson, pg. 33)</ref> | ||
#According to some authorities, this requirement | #According to some authorities, this requirement is not needed when dining in the company of other adults or with children old enough to be embarrassed by intimate behavior.<ref>Masat Binyamin (112, quoted by the Pitchei Teshuva 195:3) considers the presence of others as a heker. Shiurei Bracha (195:11), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 110), Darkei Tahara (pg. 44) rule this way as well. Rabbi Mordechai Willig ([http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/877146/rabbi-mordechai-i-willig/niddah-shiur-125-eating-at-the-same-table/ Niddah Shiur 125]) is lenient regarding this as well. | ||
Badei Hashulchan (195:34) however brings that the Rashba ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=346 Mishmeret Habayit 3b]) held that the presence of others does not help, and the Raah ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=346 Bedek Habayit 3b]) also only permitted if someone sat in between the husband and wife. He does however agree that this is room to be lenient Halachically. </ref> | Badei Hashulchan (195:34) however brings that the Rashba ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=346 Mishmeret Habayit 3b]) held that the presence of others does not help, and the Raah ([http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=9381&st=&pgnum=346 Bedek Habayit 3b]) also only permitted if someone sat in between the husband and wife. He does however agree that this is room to be lenient Halachically. </ref> | ||
#According to some authorities, | #According to some authorities, mere drinking or noshing of a small snack does not mandate a reminder.<ref>[[Responsa Tzitz Eliezer (vol. 18, no. 23)]], The Laws of Niddah (Rabbi Nacson, pg. 33)</ref> | ||
#A sefer or siddur should not be used as a reminder as this constitutes | #A sefer or siddur should not be used as a reminder as this constitutes irreverent usage of Holy Books. (See [[Respecting Holy Books]]).<ref>Ohel Yakov Kavod U'Kedushat Sefarim (pg. 1) quoting Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky</ref> | ||
===Eating from the Same Plate=== | ===Eating from the Same Plate=== | ||
#The Rabbis also forbade | #The Rabbis also forbade couples from sharing a plate while eating together.<ref>Rambam (Isurei Biah 11:18), Rama (195:4,14) </ref> This prohibition applies at all times, even while dining with others.<ref>Masat Binyamin (112) writes that even if others are at the same table this prohibition may not be compromised. | ||
Pitchei Teshuva (195:5) asks: what was the need of this ruling, aren't leftovers of one's spouse anyhow forbidden? Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe 1:92) explains that the Masat Binyamin speaks of where the food is small portions where although there is no prohibition of eating her leftovers, this prohibition applies. </ref> | Pitchei Teshuva (195:5) asks: what was the need of this ruling, aren't leftovers of one's spouse anyhow forbidden? Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe 1:92) explains that the Masat Binyamin speaks of where the food is small portions where although there is no prohibition of eating her leftovers, this prohibition applies. </ref> | ||
#They | #They may use a shared central serving platter, provided they place the food on their own plates or on the table before eating.<ref>Taz (Yoreh Deah 195:2), Darchei Tahara (pg. 45), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 117)</ref> | ||
#They may | #They may dip their bread in a shared salt dish.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 118) </ref> | ||
===Drinking or Eating a Spouse's Leftovers=== | ===Drinking or Eating a Spouse's Leftovers=== | ||
#The Rabbis also prohibited the husband from drinking his wife's leftovers, | #The Rabbis also prohibited the husband from drinking his wife's leftovers, as this is an act that denotes endearment.<ref>Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 195:4) </ref> This restriction applies specifically to the male, the wife however, may eat or drink her husband's leftovers.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4). The Shach explains that this act only denotes endearment to males drinking their wives leftovers. </ref> | ||
#The husband may partake of his wife's leftovers in any of the following circumstances: | #The husband may partake of his wife's leftovers in any of the following circumstances: | ||
#*The drink was transferred to another utensil. This is beneficial even if the contents were then poured back | #*The drink was transferred to another utensil. This is beneficial even if the contents were then poured back into the original utensil.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pp. 125-127)</ref> | ||
#*If someone else drank from the cup after her drinking, | #*If someone else drank from the cup after her drinking, separating between their drinking.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4) </ref> | ||
#*He is not aware that she drank from this utensil (she need not inform him)<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 125). The reason for this is because if he is not aware that she drank from this cup, his action carries no connotation of endearment. </ref> | #*He is not aware that she drank from this utensil (she need not inform him)<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 125). The reason for this is because if he is not aware that she drank from this cup, his action carries no connotation of endearment. </ref> | ||
#*If the wife is no longer present.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4) </ref> Moreover, even if she later returns, he may nevertheless continue this drinking.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 128)</ref> | #*If the wife is no longer present.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4) </ref> Moreover, even if she later returns, he may nevertheless continue this drinking.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 128)</ref> | ||
#*Sephardic custom is to be lenient if the cup is partially refilled.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 123, Taharat Yosef 3:19:2 </ref> Ashkenazim don't accept this leniency.<ref>Shach (Yoreh Deah 195:9), Badei Hashulchan (195:59)</ref> | #*Sephardic custom is to be lenient if the cup is partially refilled.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 123, Taharat Yosef 3:19:2 </ref> Ashkenazim don't accept this leniency.<ref>Shach (Yoreh Deah 195:9), Badei Hashulchan (195:59)</ref> | ||
#Most Sephardic authorities restrict this prohibition to drinking only and do not extend it to food.<ref>This is the opinion of the Orchot Chaim, quoted by the Bet Yosef (195:4). The Sidrei Tahara 195:8 explains that the eating of food leftovers in not ordinarily done, and it therefore does not cause endearment. See | #Most Sephardic authorities restrict this prohibition to drinking only and do not extend it to food.<ref>This is the opinion of the Orchot Chaim, quoted by the Bet Yosef (195:4). The Sidrei Tahara 195:8 explains that the eating of food leftovers in not ordinarily done, and it therefore does not cause endearment. See Ben Ish Chai (vol. 2, Prashat Tzav, no. 22) who rules that one should not eat his wife's leftovers as well. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef in Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 125) and Halichot Olam (vol. 5, pg. 107) writes that the prevailing Sephardic custom was to be lenient in this regard. </ref> Ashkenazim, however, prohibit eating leftovers of her food as well.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:3), Shach (195:8) </ref> | ||
#According to Ashkenazic custom, if the wife ate from a dish often classified as one, such as finely cut vegetables, anything left over is | #According to Ashkenazic custom, if the wife ate from a dish often classified as one, such as finely cut vegetables, anything left over is prohibited to the husband. If, however, a plate contains two large particles of food, and the wife only ate from one, the husband may indulge in the other.<ref>Igrot Moshe (Yoreh Deah 1:92), Badei Hashulchan (195:51)</ref> | ||
#According to Ashkenazic custom, if the wife took butter or the like with a utensil, and then returned the knife with extra butter on it to the butter dish, it would then be forbidden for her husband to use that butter.<ref>Igrot Moshe (Yoreh Deah 1:92), Mishmeret Hatahara (195:39). He does however quote Rabbi Elyashiv saying that the leftover spread on the knife is not considered leftovers. See Iggrot Moshe (ibid.) who writes that ideally couples should not share a butter dish, although it is Halachically permitted. </ref> | #According to Ashkenazic custom, if the wife took butter or the like with a utensil, and then returned the knife with extra butter on it to the butter dish, it would then be forbidden for her husband to use that butter.<ref>Igrot Moshe (Yoreh Deah 1:92), Mishmeret Hatahara (195:39). He does however quote Rabbi Elyashiv saying that the leftover spread on the knife is not considered leftovers. See Iggrot Moshe (ibid.) who writes that ideally couples should not share a butter dish, although it is Halachically permitted. </ref> | ||
==Using the Spouse's Bed== | ==Using the Spouse's Bed== | ||
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#This restriction was specifically to the usage of the other's bed, a designated chair or recliner was not prohibited.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 135)</ref> | #This restriction was specifically to the usage of the other's bed, a designated chair or recliner was not prohibited.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 135)</ref> | ||
#Although prohibited even not in her presence, if the wife is away from town for a couple of days, the husband is not restricted in using his wife's bed.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah 195:90), Badei Hashulchan (Yoreh Deah 195:77), Taharat Yosef (3:25)</ref> | #Although prohibited even not in her presence, if the wife is away from town for a couple of days, the husband is not restricted in using his wife's bed.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah 195:90), Badei Hashulchan (Yoreh Deah 195:77), Taharat Yosef (3:25)</ref> | ||
#The husband may not additionally use the linen or pillows if they are designated exclusively for his wife's use.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 135), Badei Hashulchan (195:82)</ref> | #The husband may not additionally use the linen or pillows if they are designated exclusively for his wife's use.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pg. 135), Badei Hashulchan (195:82)</ref> The couple may however, use each-other's body towel, as there is no requirement to set aside separate towels.<ref>Taharat Habayit (vol.2, pg. 86)</ref> | ||
#The couple may not switch | #The couple may not switch beds during this period.<ref>Badei Hashulchan (195:81)</ref> | ||
== | ==Separating Beds== | ||
#The couple may not lie together in one bed, even if it is large and wide.<ref>Gemara Shabbat 13a concludes that it is forbidden for a man and wife to sleep in the same bed when she is a niddah. Shulchan Aruch 195:6 codifies this. Taharat Yosef 3:2 agrees.</ref> Even when they are in different beds the beds must be separated.<ref>Rama YD 195:6, Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 149</ref> How far apart should the beds be? According to the strict halacha it is sufficient as long as they are separated in any amount as long as the sheets and blankets don't touch, however, the poskim recommend that the beds should be separated two feet.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva 195:11 quotes the Mekor Chaim who says that the beds need to be separated by any amount. Rav Ovadia Yosef in Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 149 agreed. Shiurei Shevet Halevi 195:6:2 quotes the Arizal as saying that the beds needs to be separated so that the sheets and blankets don't touch. In terms of the amount of space he writes that it should be at least the width of a person and preferably an amah (60cm) so that they don't come to touch and the blankets don't come to touch. Shiurei Shevet Halevi adds that the minhag is to put something in between the beds. Mishmeret Hatahara 195:87 writes that the beds should be separated the amount of a person's reach so that they don't come to touch. Badei Hashulchan 195:109 and Rabbi Willig ([http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/877217/rabbi-mordechai-i-willig/niddah-shiur-126-harchakot-sitting-on-same-bench-taking-trip-together-separation-between-beds-singing-what-she-can-wear-in-private/ Niddah Shiur 126 (min. 45)]) agreed.</ref> | #The couple may not lie together in one bed, even if it is large and wide.<ref>Gemara Shabbat 13a concludes that it is forbidden for a man and wife to sleep in the same bed when she is a niddah. Shulchan Aruch 195:6 codifies this. Taharat Yosef 3:2 agrees.</ref> Even when they are in different beds the beds must be separated.<ref>Rama YD 195:6, Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 149</ref> How far apart should the beds be? According to the strict halacha it is sufficient as long as they are separated in any amount as long as the sheets and blankets don't touch, however, the poskim recommend that the beds should be separated two feet.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva 195:11 quotes the Mekor Chaim who says that the beds need to be separated by any amount. Rav Ovadia Yosef in Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 149 agreed. Shiurei Shevet Halevi 195:6:2 quotes the Arizal as saying that the beds needs to be separated so that the sheets and blankets don't touch. In terms of the amount of space he writes that it should be at least the width of a person and preferably an amah (60cm) so that they don't come to touch and the blankets don't come to touch. Shiurei Shevet Halevi adds that the minhag is to put something in between the beds. Mishmeret Hatahara 195:87 writes that the beds should be separated the amount of a person's reach so that they don't come to touch. Badei Hashulchan 195:109 and Rabbi Willig ([http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/877217/rabbi-mordechai-i-willig/niddah-shiur-126-harchakot-sitting-on-same-bench-taking-trip-together-separation-between-beds-singing-what-she-can-wear-in-private/ Niddah Shiur 126 (min. 45)]) agreed.</ref> | ||
