Harchakot of Niddah: Difference between revisions
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===Drinking or Eating a Spouse's Leftovers=== | ===Drinking or Eating a Spouse's Leftovers=== | ||
#The Rabbis also prohibited the husband from drinking his wife's leftovers, as this is an act that denotes endearment.<ref>Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 195:4) </ref> This restriction applies specifically to the male, the wife however, may eat or drink her husband's leftovers.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4). The | #The Rabbis also prohibited the husband from drinking his wife's leftovers, as this is an act that denotes endearment.<ref>Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 195:4) </ref> This restriction applies specifically to the male, the wife however, may eat or drink her husband's leftovers.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4). The Taz 195:5 explains that this act only denotes endearment to males drinking their wives leftovers and not the other way around.</ref> | ||
#The husband may partake of his wife's leftovers in any of the following circumstances: | #The husband may partake of his wife's leftovers in any of the following circumstances: | ||
#*The drink was transferred to another utensil. This is beneficial even if the contents were then poured back into the original utensil.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pp. 125-127)</ref> | #*The drink was transferred to another utensil. This is beneficial even if the contents were then poured back into the original utensil.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:4), Taharat Habayit (vol. 2, pp. 125-127)</ref> | ||
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</ref> This restriction must be followed even while in public.<ref>Torat HaTaharah p. 98. Rav Moshe Feinstein in Igrot Moshe YD 2:77 writes that a couple may not be lenient on harchakot so that she's not embarrassed because harchakot aren't so embarrassing and also they are part of halacha and we shouldn't be embarrassed to keep halacha. [http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/876990/rabbi-mordechai-i-willig/niddah-shiur-123-passing-things-leniencies-putting-things-in-pocketbook-and-passing-babies/ Rav Mordechai Willig (Niddah Shiur 123, min. 15-20)] disagreed and held that [[kavod habriyot]] could be used to permit harchakot in public when it is embarrassing and not in private. </ref> | </ref> This restriction must be followed even while in public.<ref>Torat HaTaharah p. 98. Rav Moshe Feinstein in Igrot Moshe YD 2:77 writes that a couple may not be lenient on harchakot so that she's not embarrassed because harchakot aren't so embarrassing and also they are part of halacha and we shouldn't be embarrassed to keep halacha. [http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/876990/rabbi-mordechai-i-willig/niddah-shiur-123-passing-things-leniencies-putting-things-in-pocketbook-and-passing-babies/ Rav Mordechai Willig (Niddah Shiur 123, min. 15-20)] disagreed and held that [[kavod habriyot]] could be used to permit harchakot in public when it is embarrassing and not in private. </ref> | ||
#Ashkenazic custom is to be stringent not to lift an object together. If however a large object, such as a baby carriage, needs to be lifted, and the husband and wife are the only ones available, they may carry it together, provided they take care not to touch. <ref>Igrot Moshe (Yoreh Deah vol. 2, no. 75)</ref> Sephardic custom, however, is to be lenient allowing the carrying of heavy items together.<ref>Torat Hataharah (pg. 117) </ref> | #Ashkenazic custom is to be stringent not to lift an object together. If however a large object, such as a baby carriage, needs to be lifted, and the husband and wife are the only ones available, they may carry it together, provided they take care not to touch. <ref>Igrot Moshe (Yoreh Deah vol. 2, no. 75)</ref> Sephardic custom, however, is to be lenient allowing the carrying of heavy items together.<ref>Torat Hataharah (pg. 117) </ref> | ||
#Ashkenazim prohibit the throwing of objects in a straight line from one spouse to the other.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:2) </ref> Throwing something on a trajectory upwards, however, is disputed.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah 195:2)</ref> Most Sephardic authorities permit even direct throwing.<ref>Ben Ish Chai (vol. 2, Parashat Tzav, no. 22) rules that throwing is prohibited. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef in Torat HaTaharah (pg. 99) | #Ashkenazim prohibit the throwing of objects in a straight line from one spouse to the other.<ref>Rama (Yoreh Deah 195:2) </ref> Throwing something on a trajectory upwards, however, is disputed.<ref>Pitchei Teshuva (Yoreh Deah 195:2)</ref> Most Sephardic authorities permit even direct throwing.<ref>Ben Ish Chai (vol. 2, Parashat Tzav, no. 22) rules that throwing is prohibited. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef in Torat HaTaharah (pg. 99) and Taharat Yosef (3:7:3), however, permits this, with proof that this is Sephardic custom. Rabbi Lehbar (Magen Avot YD p. 140) also writes that Moroccans are lenient but someone who is strict should be blessed.</ref> | ||
#During the wedding ceremony, the groom may place the ring on the bride's finger, even if she is a niddah, he does not have to throw it to her. However, it is proper that he be as careful as possible to avoid touching her when giving her the ring. He should place it on the tip of her finger, and allow her to let it slide down her finger.<ref>Torat HaTaharah p. 99</ref> | #During the wedding ceremony, the groom may place the ring on the bride's finger, even if she is a niddah, he does not have to throw it to her. However, it is proper that he be as careful as possible to avoid touching her when giving her the ring. He should place it on the tip of her finger, and allow her to let it slide down her finger.<ref>Torat HaTaharah p. 99</ref> | ||
#At a berit milah (bris or circumcision) if the mother wants to hand the baby to her husband who is the sandakthe person who holds the baby on his lap during the berit), it is the Sephardic custom to be lenient by having the baby placed on top of two pillows. The woman holds the baby by placing her hands underneath the bottom pillow, and the husband takes the baby from her by lifting the top pillow along with the baby, while the bottom pillow remains with the mother. (In this way they avoid touching). This custom has deep roots among the great Sephardic sages and the Ge'onim. The Ashkenazim though, are strict in this matter. A woman who just gave birth may not pass the baby directly to her husband who is the sandak. Rather, another man should take the baby from her and hand him over to the father.<ref>Torat HaTaharah p. 99-100, Taharat Yosef 3:7:4</ref> | #At a berit milah (bris or circumcision) if the mother wants to hand the baby to her husband who is the sandakthe person who holds the baby on his lap during the berit), it is the Sephardic custom to be lenient by having the baby placed on top of two pillows. The woman holds the baby by placing her hands underneath the bottom pillow, and the husband takes the baby from her by lifting the top pillow along with the baby, while the bottom pillow remains with the mother. (In this way they avoid touching). This custom has deep roots among the great Sephardic sages and the Ge'onim. The Ashkenazim though, are strict in this matter. A woman who just gave birth may not pass the baby directly to her husband who is the sandak. Rather, another man should take the baby from her and hand him over to the father.<ref>Torat HaTaharah p. 99-100, Taharat Yosef 3:7:4</ref> | ||
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==Hearing her Sing== | ==Hearing her Sing== | ||
#There is a dispute if a husband can listen to my wife sing when she is a niddah. The same dispute is relevant to singing zemiros Shabbos together.<ref>[https://ph.yhb.org.il/category/טהרת-המשפחה/18-03/ Peninei Halacha (Niddah 3:3)] writes that listening to her sing normally or sing zemiros is permitted, though some are strict.</ref> | |||
#According to those who allow listening to one's wife sing when she's a niddah, it is likewise permitted to hear her play a musical instrument.<ref>Taharat Yosef 3:40</ref> However, those who are strict on listening to her sing would also be strict on listening to her play an instrument if it could lead to endearment.<ref>Shiurei Shevet Halevi 195:6:2</ref> | #According to those who allow listening to one's wife sing when she's a niddah, it is likewise permitted to hear her play a musical instrument.<ref>Taharat Yosef 3:40</ref> However, those who are strict on listening to her sing would also be strict on listening to her play an instrument if it could lead to endearment.<ref>Shiurei Shevet Halevi 195:6:2</ref> | ||
See also [[Listening_to_Women_Sing#Married_Women|Listening to Women Sing: Married Women]]. | |||
==Smelling her Perfume== | ==Smelling her Perfume== | ||
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===Serving Foods and Drinks=== | ===Serving Foods and Drinks=== | ||
#A woman should not | #A woman should not serve food<ref>Bach 195:9 and Shach 195:13 hold that the prohibition of serving applies to all drinks and foods, even though the Rashba applies it only to wine. Taz 195:3 believes that the prohibition is limited to wine. Aruch Hashulchan 195:28 agrees. Bear Heitiv 195:9 echoes the Shach. Badei Hashulchan 195:128 rules like the Shach.</ref> or pour drinks other than water<ref>Badei Hashulchan 195:128 quoting Piskei Dinim Tzemech Tzedek is lenient to serve water since it is certainly not significant.</ref> for her husband when she is a niddah.<ref>Ketubot 61a, Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:10</ref> | ||
# Sephardim hold that this only applies to wine. A wife may serve her husband food and vice versa.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 188</ref> | # Sephardim hold that this only applies to wine. A wife may serve her husband food and vice versa.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 188</ref> | ||
# This law applies in both directions so a husband may not pour drinks or serve food for his wife.<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:13. Badei Hashulchan 195:159 writes that Shach and those who are strict on other drinks besides wine and food would be strict for also for a husband serving a wife.</ref> | # This law applies in both directions so a husband may not pour drinks or serve food for his wife.<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:13. Badei Hashulchan 195:159 writes that Shach and those who are strict on other drinks besides wine and food would be strict for also for a husband serving a wife.</ref> | ||
===Pouring a Kiddush Cup=== | ===Pouring a Kiddush Cup=== | ||
# A wife may not pour a cup of wine for her husband and he may not pour a cup of wine for his wife. Even for Kiddush the husband should not pass his kiddush cup to his wife to drink. If she isn't the only one who drinks from the cup, such as if all of the members of the family drink it is permitted.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 191</ref> | # A wife may not pour a cup of wine for her husband and he may not pour a cup of wine for his wife. Even for Kiddush the husband should not pass his kiddush cup to his wife to drink. If she isn't the only one who drinks from the cup, such as if all of the members of the family drink it is permitted.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 191</ref> | ||
# A husband may not pour his wife wine or pass her the kiddush cup. If someone else besides the husband and wife drink from the kiddush cup there is no issue with the husband and wife both drinking from the kiddush cup. It doesn't matter whether that person drinks between or after them.<ref>Taharat Habayit v. 2 pp. 191-2</ref> | |||
#Some say that sending a drink to your wife only applies to wine,<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:13, Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 191</ref> others extend it to other important drinks.<ref>Badei Hashulchan 195:163</ref> | |||
==Summary of Harchakot== | |||
{| class="wikitable" | |||
|- | |||
! Activity !! Wife to/for Husband !! Husband to/for Wife !! Not in Spouse's Presence | |||
|- | |||
| Eating Spouse's Leftovers || style="background-color:#9aff99;" | Permitted<ref>Rama 195:4, Taz 195:5</ref> || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden || style="background-color:#9aff99;" | Permitted<ref>Rama 195:4</ref> | |||
|- | |||
| Sitting on the Spouse's Bed || style="background-color:#9aff99;" | Permitted<ref>Taz 195:6</ref> || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:5</ref> | |||
|- | |||
| Lying on the Spouse's Bed || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Taz 195:6</ref> || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:5</ref> | |||
|- | |||
| Looking at Spouse's Usually Covered Body Parts || style="background-color:#9aff99;" | Permitted || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:7</ref> || N/A | |||
|- | |||
| Pouring Drinks (and Serving Food) for Spouse || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:13, Badei Hashulchan 195:159, Taharat Habayit v. 2 p. 188</ref> || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden || style="background-color:#9aff99;" | Permitted<ref>Rama 195:10, Shach 195:14. Shach rejects Bach who is strict.</ref> | |||
|- | |||
| Making Spouse's Bed || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Taharat Yosef 3:57</ref> || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden || style="background-color:#9aff99;" | Permitted<ref>Shulchan Aruch Y.D. 195:11</ref> | |||
|- | |||
| Pouring Water upon Spouse || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden<ref>Taharat Yosef 3:61</ref> || style="background-color:#ffccc9;" | Forbidden || style="background-color:#ffffc7;" | Dispute<ref>Shach 195:14 holds that it is forbidden to prepare water for one's spouse's bath, while Taz 195:8 is lenient.</ref> | |||
|- | |||
|} | |||
==A Niddah Going to Shul and Cemeteries== | ==A Niddah Going to Shul and Cemeteries== | ||
#Ashkenazim have a minhag that woman don't look at the sefer torah when they are a niddah<ref>Shaarei Dura (Niddah no. 18) writes that a niddah shouldn't go into a shul. The Hagahot Maimoniyot (Tefillah 4:3) comments that the minhag was that a niddah wouldn't go into a shul. The Trumat Hadeshen (pesakim 132) permitted a niddah to go into shul on Yamim Noraim since otherwise they would feel bad not going to shul when everyone else is going. However, the Agur (no. 1388) writes that the minhag was that a niddah would go in a shul but just not look at the sefer torah when it is opened. The above discussion is all quoted in the Darkei Moshe YD 195:5. The Rama OC 88:1 quotes the dispute and concludes that the minhag was that a niddah shouldn't go into a shul. The Mishna Brurah 88:7 writes that the minhag today is to go into a shul but just not to look at the sefer torah when it is open.</ref> and don't go to a cemetery when they are a niddah unless she would feel bad by not being able to go to the cemetery.<ref>The Pitchei Teshuva YD 195:19 cites the Chamudei Daniel as saying that a niddah shouldn't go to a cemetery to daven. The Mishna Brurah 88:7 writes that a niddah shouldn't go to a cemetery. Shiurei Shevet Halevi 195 writes that a niddah shouldn't go to the cemetery because of a concern of mystical reason of tumah. However, it is permitted for her to go and stand 4 amot from the grave. </ref> | #Ashkenazim have a minhag that woman don't look at the sefer torah when they are a niddah<ref>Shaarei Dura (Niddah no. 18) writes that a niddah shouldn't go into a shul. The Hagahot Maimoniyot (Tefillah 4:3) comments that the minhag was that a niddah wouldn't go into a shul. The Trumat Hadeshen (pesakim 132) permitted a niddah to go into shul on Yamim Noraim since otherwise they would feel bad not going to shul when everyone else is going. However, the Agur (no. 1388) writes that the minhag was that a niddah would go in a shul but just not look at the sefer torah when it is opened. The above discussion is all quoted in the Darkei Moshe YD 195:5. The Rama OC 88:1 quotes the dispute and concludes that the minhag was that a niddah shouldn't go into a shul. The Mishna Brurah 88:7 writes that the minhag today is to go into a shul but just not to look at the sefer torah when it is open.</ref> and don't go to a cemetery when they are a niddah unless she would feel bad by not being able to go to the cemetery.<ref>The Pitchei Teshuva YD 195:19 cites the Chamudei Daniel as saying that a niddah shouldn't go to a cemetery to daven. The Mishna Brurah 88:7 writes that a niddah shouldn't go to a cemetery. Rabbi Lehbar (Magen Avot YD p. 141) writes that some Moroccans are strict that a niddah doesn't go to the cemetery. Shiurei Shevet Halevi 195 writes that a niddah shouldn't go to the cemetery because of a concern of mystical reason of tumah. However, it is permitted for her to go and stand 4 amot from the grave. </ref> | ||
#During this period women may - and must - recite all blessings and prayers as usual.<ref>Shaarei Dura (no. 18) forbids niddot from reciting God's name. Darkei Moshe (195:5) also concludes likewise. Accordingly, Rama (Orach Chaim 88:1) writes that the custom is that a niddah is not to pray. See however, Bet Yosef (88:1), Magen Avraham (88:2), Pri Chadash (88:1), Maaseh Rav (no. 58), | #During this period women may - and must - recite all blessings and prayers as usual.<ref>Shaarei Dura (no. 18) forbids niddot from reciting God's name. Darkei Moshe (195:5) also concludes likewise. Accordingly, Rama (Orach Chaim 88:1) writes that the custom is that a niddah is not to pray. See however, Bet Yosef (88:1), Magen Avraham (88:2), Pri Chadash (88:1), Maaseh Rav (no. 58), Mishna Brurah (88:7), and Rabbi Lehbar (Magen Avot YD p. 141) all rule that women are obligated in the recital of all blessings. See also Responsa Tzitz Eliezer (vol. 10, no. 8) who writes that the current day Bais Yaakov seminaries all do not follow the Rama's ruling. </ref> | ||
==Links== | ==Links== | ||
