Embarrassing Others: Difference between revisions
From Halachipedia
m
Text replacement - ". <ref>" to ".<ref>"
(→Punishment: Corrected a few blatant errors. More work is needed on this page) |
m (Text replacement - ". <ref>" to ".<ref>") |
||
| Line 16: | Line 16: | ||
#He who publicly shames his neighbour is as though he shed blood <ref>Bava metzia 58b </ref> | #He who publicly shames his neighbour is as though he shed blood <ref>Bava metzia 58b </ref> | ||
#Verbal wrong is more heinous than monetary wrong <ref>Bava metzia 58b </ref> | #Verbal wrong is more heinous than monetary wrong <ref>Bava metzia 58b </ref> | ||
#Better it is for man to cohabit with a doubtful married woman rather than that he should publicly shame his neighbour. <ref>Bava metzia 59a </ref> | #Better it is for man to cohabit with a doubtful married woman rather than that he should publicly shame his neighbour.<ref>Bava metzia 59a </ref> | ||
#Better to throw oneself into a furnace rather than embarrass another <ref>Bava metzia 59a </ref> | #Better to throw oneself into a furnace rather than embarrass another <ref>Bava metzia 59a </ref> | ||
#There was a poor person in the time of the Talmud and Mar Ukva would daily leave coins behind the poor man's door. One day the poor man wanted to find out who had been leaving coins for him. So he waited until Mar Ukva and his wife stopped by and dropped off the coins. The pauper tried to follow them, when Mar Ukva noticed he was being followed he ran with his wife and hid in a hot furnace as to not embarrass the man. <ref>Ketuboth 67B </ref> | #There was a poor person in the time of the Talmud and Mar Ukva would daily leave coins behind the poor man's door. One day the poor man wanted to find out who had been leaving coins for him. So he waited until Mar Ukva and his wife stopped by and dropped off the coins. The pauper tried to follow them, when Mar Ukva noticed he was being followed he ran with his wife and hid in a hot furnace as to not embarrass the man.<ref>Ketuboth 67B </ref> | ||
Statements from later Rabbinic sources | Statements from later Rabbinic sources | ||
| Line 43: | Line 43: | ||
Punishment in the World to Come | Punishment in the World to Come | ||
#The gemara says all who descend into Gehenna (hell) eventually leave, except for one who publicly shames his neighbor. <ref>R. Hanina in Bava Metziah 58b</ref> | #The gemara says all who descend into Gehenna (hell) eventually leave, except for one who publicly shames his neighbor.<ref>R. Hanina in Bava Metziah 58b</ref> | ||
==Atoning for Embarrassment== | ==Atoning for Embarrassment== | ||
| Line 57: | Line 57: | ||
#According to the Gemara, one embarrasses another publicly descends to Hell and never ascends<ref>Bava Metiza 58b </ref>. This seems to imply that the punishment is final with no chance for Teshuva. | #According to the Gemara, one embarrasses another publicly descends to Hell and never ascends<ref>Bava Metiza 58b </ref>. This seems to imply that the punishment is final with no chance for Teshuva. | ||
#However, Tosafot explain that the Gemara is only talking about if you didn’t do Teshuva, because Teshuva helps for everything. <ref>Bava Metiza 58b </ref> | #However, Tosafot explain that the Gemara is only talking about if you didn’t do Teshuva, because Teshuva helps for everything.<ref>Bava Metiza 58b </ref> | ||
#The Midrash, on the other hand, says that embarrassing one in public cannot be absolved by Teshuva <ref>Otzar HaMidrashim pg. 505 </ref>. | #The Midrash, on the other hand, says that embarrassing one in public cannot be absolved by Teshuva <ref>Otzar HaMidrashim pg. 505 </ref>. | ||
#Rabbeinu Yonah explains that the reason we say you are condemned to Hell for eternity is not because Teshuva does not work if you do it, but it’s because it’s highly unlikely that one would actually do Teshuva for embarrassing someone. The reason being that we often rationalize [[embarrassing others]], or we simply fail to acknowledge the damage it causes. <ref>Shaarei Teshuva 3:141</ref> | #Rabbeinu Yonah explains that the reason we say you are condemned to Hell for eternity is not because Teshuva does not work if you do it, but it’s because it’s highly unlikely that one would actually do Teshuva for embarrassing someone. The reason being that we often rationalize [[embarrassing others]], or we simply fail to acknowledge the damage it causes.<ref>Shaarei Teshuva 3:141</ref> | ||
While the steps enumerated above are the standard steps of completing Teshuva, there are specific steps required to atone for embarrassment: | While the steps enumerated above are the standard steps of completing Teshuva, there are specific steps required to atone for embarrassment: | ||
#You must try to appease your friend at an opportune time, or until he agrees to listen to you. You must then feel you friend’s pain in your heart and resolve not to embarrass others. Finally, if one embarrasses you in the future, you should not feel upset, rather you should view it as fair. <ref>Sefer Chassidim 54</ref> | #You must try to appease your friend at an opportune time, or until he agrees to listen to you. You must then feel you friend’s pain in your heart and resolve not to embarrass others. Finally, if one embarrasses you in the future, you should not feel upset, rather you should view it as fair.<ref>Sefer Chassidim 54</ref> | ||
#One should give gifts to the person they oppressed as a means of making amends. One should give [[Mishloach Manot]] to the person on [[Purim]], or confront them before [[Yom Kippur]] when they’re more likely to listen. One may also have friends help him lay the groundwork for his apology. <ref>Reuven, Rabbi Nitzan Kitzur Hilchot Smirat HaLashon</ref> | #One should give gifts to the person they oppressed as a means of making amends. One should give [[Mishloach Manot]] to the person on [[Purim]], or confront them before [[Yom Kippur]] when they’re more likely to listen. One may also have friends help him lay the groundwork for his apology.<ref>Reuven, Rabbi Nitzan Kitzur Hilchot Smirat HaLashon</ref> | ||
#“If the humiliation took place in the presence of others, make your apology in their presence, as well as in private. Otherwise the victim has the right to say, “You shamed me in front of others, and now you want to apologize in private. Bring me all the people who heard you embarrass me, and then I will accept your apology.” <ref>Yalkout Shimoni, Hosea 14 </ref> | #“If the humiliation took place in the presence of others, make your apology in their presence, as well as in private. Otherwise the victim has the right to say, “You shamed me in front of others, and now you want to apologize in private. Bring me all the people who heard you embarrass me, and then I will accept your apology.” <ref>Yalkout Shimoni, Hosea 14 </ref> | ||
| Line 104: | Line 104: | ||
There are many ways embarrassment takes place. Calling a person by a derogatory nickname, for instance, is forbidden in Halacha. You may not ask an uneducated person for an opinion on a scholarly matter that would draw attention to his lack of knowledge or education. You may not refer someone to another person for assistance when you know the other person cannot help. These are all also examples of embarrassment that would be forbidden in Halacha.<ref>Gemara Bava Metziah 58b</ref>. | There are many ways embarrassment takes place. Calling a person by a derogatory nickname, for instance, is forbidden in Halacha. You may not ask an uneducated person for an opinion on a scholarly matter that would draw attention to his lack of knowledge or education. You may not refer someone to another person for assistance when you know the other person cannot help. These are all also examples of embarrassment that would be forbidden in Halacha.<ref>Gemara Bava Metziah 58b</ref>. | ||
On the secular point of view, embarrassment is split up into five parts. Violation of Privacy, when private places on the body are exposed, an invasion of private information, or, an invasion of personal space. Lack of knowledge or lack of skill, when failure to showcase knowledge is displayed. Criticism, when the subject is made the center of attention for a negative reason. Awkward acts, when situations such as inappropriate conversations, clumsiness, and ungraceful actions take place in a social setting, triggering embarrassment. Appropriate image and environment, when personal possessions, clothing, and overall body image is found by the subject to be far less than what is actually expected by themselves and by society. <ref>Withers, Lesley; Sherblom, John. "Embarrassment: The Communication of an Awkward Actor Anticipating a Negative Evaluation". Human Communication 11 (2): 237–254.</ref> | On the secular point of view, embarrassment is split up into five parts. Violation of Privacy, when private places on the body are exposed, an invasion of private information, or, an invasion of personal space. Lack of knowledge or lack of skill, when failure to showcase knowledge is displayed. Criticism, when the subject is made the center of attention for a negative reason. Awkward acts, when situations such as inappropriate conversations, clumsiness, and ungraceful actions take place in a social setting, triggering embarrassment. Appropriate image and environment, when personal possessions, clothing, and overall body image is found by the subject to be far less than what is actually expected by themselves and by society.<ref>Withers, Lesley; Sherblom, John. "Embarrassment: The Communication of an Awkward Actor Anticipating a Negative Evaluation". Human Communication 11 (2): 237–254.</ref> | ||
Of these five parts, the examples from the Tanach, Mishna, and Gemara all either fall into one of these categories, or several of these categories. | Of these five parts, the examples from the Tanach, Mishna, and Gemara all either fall into one of these categories, or several of these categories. | ||
==Retaliation== | ==Retaliation== | ||
#It is virtuous to respond to insults with maturity, calmness, and silence. This practice will be rewarded greatly. <ref>Gemara Shabbat 88b. See Rosh b"k 3:13:, Shulchan Aruch CM 421:13, Minchat Chinuch 241:1, Chikrei Lev YD 3:60, and Chafetz Chaim (Peticha l'Hilchot Lashon Hara no. 8-9) who discuss the idea of retaliation.</ref> | #It is virtuous to respond to insults with maturity, calmness, and silence. This practice will be rewarded greatly.<ref>Gemara Shabbat 88b. See Rosh b"k 3:13:, Shulchan Aruch CM 421:13, Minchat Chinuch 241:1, Chikrei Lev YD 3:60, and Chafetz Chaim (Peticha l'Hilchot Lashon Hara no. 8-9) who discuss the idea of retaliation.</ref> | ||
==Notes== | ==Notes== | ||
<references /> | <references /> | ||
[[Category:Between Man And His Fellow]] | [[Category:Between Man And His Fellow]] | ||
