Hurting Others' Feelings
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Definition and Source
- Onaat Devarim is the prohibition to say anything that would pain, anger, hurt, frighten, bother or embarrass another person. [1]
Who is Obligated?
When is one Liable?
- This prohibition applies even if one simply gestured or wrote something that hurt somebody else without actually saying it. [6]
- The main prohibition is violated when the word, action or gesture, was intended to hurt. [7] Nonetheless, one is obligated to distance oneself from the possibility of causing hurt unintentionally. [8]
Specific Applications
Negative Reminders
- It is prohibited to remind someone of his previous sins, or that he never used to be religious, or that he is a convert. [9]
- It is prohibited to remind someone of his wounds or of his ugly appearance. [10]
- It is prohibited to inform someone that his afflictions came to him because of his sins. [11] Nonetheless, it is permitted, and is even a mitzvah, to softly allude to this possibility if one’s goal is to inspire him to repent. [12]
Public Areas
- It is forbidden to wake somebody up unless they either want to be woken up or it is for the fulfillment of a mitzva and it is also forbidden to make a lot of noise thereby preventing somebody from falling asleep. [13]
- It is forbidden to cut lines in a public area, even with the permission of the person at the front, since one has caused pain to every person who was previously closer to the front. [14]
- It is forbidden to emit a foul body odor [15] or to scratch one’s wounds [16] in the presence of others.
- One may not open or close windows, if it will cause others discomfort. [17]
- One may not cause another discomfort by saying a long Shemoneh Esrei directly behind someone who plans to sit down after being able to take his three steps back. [18]
- It is prohibited to crowd around an ambulance when the ill person is being brought in, since it causes pain, fright and embarrassment to the family. [19]
- One may not embarrass another by asking him a question that he may not know the answer to. [20] A rabbi may do so under certain circumstances in order to sharpen his students. [21]
- One may not ask a guest to say a dvar Torah unless one knows that he would be able to say one. [22]
- One may not make prank phone calls, or perform other practical jokes that are likely to cause any degree of hassle, pain or anguish like calling a fire engine for no reason. [23]
- One is obligated to return sefarim or library books to the correct shelf immediately after use. [24]
Financial Hurt
- It is prohibited to ask a seller how much an item costs, or to stare at an item, if one has no interest in buying it. [25] However, it is permitted if one informs the seller from the onset of one’s intention to only enquire or browse rather than to buy. [26]
References
- ↑ The gemara in Bava Metzia 58b derives this prohibition from the pasuk in Vayikra 25:17 וְלֹא תוֹנוּ אִישׁ אֶת עֲמִיתוֹ וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ כִּי אֲנִי יְקֹוָק אֱלֹהֵיכֶם, "one shall not aggrieve his fellow, and you shall fear your G-d, for I am Hashem your G-d." This is brought down as halacha by the S"A Choshen Mishpat 228:1. The gemara and S"A there say that this is worse than onaat mamon (overcharging) because 1. it cannot be undone and 2. it injures the person himself, not just his money. Rambam in Hilchot Deot 6:3 and Hilchot Teshuva 3:14 writes that one who regularly shames others has no portion in the World to Come.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 85.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 85.
- ↑ S"A CM 228:2
- ↑ S"A CM 228:3.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 86 quotes the Chafetz Chaim in Chovat Hashmira that onaat devarim, like Lashon Harah is violated even through writing and gesturing even though devarim literally means words. He quotes the Sefer Yiraim that even displaying a negative facial expression to someone can be a violation of this transgression.
- ↑ Bava Metzia 58b states that the וְיָרֵאתָ מֵאֱלֹהֶיךָ in the passuk of Onaat Devarim refers to the instruction to fear Hashem by not attempting to hurt another, since one could claim that he didn't intend to hurt, but Hashem knows the intention of a person. This is also indicated by the Rambam in Hilchot Mechira 14:18. The Tur and S"A CM 228:5 write in reference to calling someone by a nickname, that it is prohibited if one’s intention is to embarrass him.
- ↑ Sefer HaChinuch 338 and Mishpatei Hashalom page 90.
- ↑ Shulchan Aruch 428:4, based on the Mishnah and the Gemara Bava Metzia 58b.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 88 based on Taanit 20.
- ↑ Shulchan Aruch 428:4, based on Bava Metzia 58b.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 88 based on Berachot 5a
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 87. This is included under Onaat Devarim because the it includes refraining from causing others anger or pain, including stealing their sleep.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 87.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 87 based on gemara Sanhedrin 11a.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 87 based on gemara Kiddushin 81
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 91.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 91 quoting the Yerushalmi Rosh Hashana 2:5
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 89.
- ↑ S"A CM 428:4 based on gemara Bava Metzia 58b.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 89, Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah 246:12, based on Bava Metzia 85a.
- ↑ Sefer Chassidim 312
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 89
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 89
- ↑ S"A CM 28:4 based on Mishna and gemara Bava Metzia 58b. Meiri there gives two reasons for the prohibition. 1. Other potential customers who observe one’s decision to refrain from purchasing the item would conclude that the item is overpriced and would consequently only buy it for less, causing the seller financial pain. 2. One’s decision to refrain from buying the item, having appeared to be interested, causes the seller to feel dejected.
- ↑ Mishpatei Hashalom page 88.
