Harchakot of Niddah

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Basic Laws

  1. A man is required to separate from his wife during the time she is a niddah until she has a hefsek taharah, counts seven clean days and dips in a kosher mikveh. [1]
  2. This prohibition remains even if many years have passed since she became a niddah. It remains until she has a hefsek taharah, counts seven clean days, and dips in a kosher mikveh. [2]
  3. Because of the seriousness of separating from one's wife while she is a Nidda, Chazal enacted several fences to help the couple avoid situations that might bring them to transgress the prohibition of physical endearment during this period.[3]

Touching

  1. According to the opinion of many Rishonim, amongst them Maran HaShulchan Aruch, contact between a man and his wife who is a niddah is a biblical violation. Due to this fact, the Rabbis instituted many safeguards to prevent this. [4]
  2. A man is forbidden to touch his wife even with just his small finger when she is a niddah. He may not even touch her clothing, nor she his, even if the clothing hangs loosely off the body and the person will not feel the touch. They should be also be careful that the clothing of one does not touch the clothing of the other. [5]
  3. A husband and wife are permitted to touch each other's clothing when the wife is a niddah while the clothes are not being worn by the spouse. [6] Similarly they are allowed to touch each other's bedding while their spouse is not lying on it. This applies even if the clothes or sheets are stained. A man is also permitted to remove his wife's sheet from her bed and put it on his own bed, even if the sheet is stained, as long as the sheet is not designated specifically for her use. [7]

Intimate Speech

  1. One should be careful not to act in an overly frivolous and light-headed manner when his wife is a niddah, nor should they speak of intimate matters, in order that they not come to transgress. [8]

Seclusion

  1. A man is permitted to be alone (yichud) in a room or house with his wife when she is a niddah. However, a man may not have yichud with any other woman, married or single.[9]
  2. If a bride is a niddah at her wedding, the bride and groom may not be alone together. The couple must have a constant chaperone. [10] Due to the sensitive nature of such situations and the severity of any misconduct, a competent Rabbi should be consulted for instruction.

Using the Same Utensils

Eating from Same Utensils

  1. It is forbidden for husband and wife to eat from the same plate or bowl.[11]
  2. Regarding eating from the same serving plate: if it is a food that one places the food on his own plate before eating (such as rice, meat, or salad), it would be permissible. If one puts the food directly into his mouth from the serving plate (such as nuts, seeds etc.), it would be forbidden to share that. [12]

Eating at the Table Together

  1. The husband and wife may eat on the same table if they make a sign between them to remind them to avoid contact. They should place an item that normally isn't on the table between the two of them. [13] Additionally, they can sit in different seats than they normally would, use separate placemats, or sit far enough from each other.[14]
  2. The prohibition to eat together on the same table doesn't apply if there are others eating with them, even without a sign to remind them.[15] However, the prohibition to eat from the same plate still applies.[16]

Eating Each Other's Leftovers

  1. A husband cannot drink the leftovers of his wife's drink in front of her as this is considered a sign of closeness.[17] This is one directional, meaning the husband cannot drink from what remains in the wife's cup, but the wife is permitted to drink from what her husband leaves over</ref> Taharat Yosef 3:20 </ref>
  2. The following are exceptions to this rule:
    1. If the drink is poured into another cup it would be permissible.[18]
    2. If they filled the cup with more of the drink it would be permissible.[19]
    3. If someone else drank from the cup after his wife, the husband may drink.[20]
    4. If the wife drank from it but not in front of the husband, and the husband knows that she drank from it, one who is lenient has on whom to rely, but blessing will come to one who is strict.[21]
    5. If the husband doesn't know that his wife drank from it, he doesn't need to be told.[22]
    6. If the wife leaves the room, the husband can drink what remains in the cup since he is not drinking in front of her. [23]
  3. For sephardim, this prohibition only applies to drink and not food.[24] Ashkenazim however, are strict for food as well.[25] Even for ashkenazim, if the wife simply tasted the food like for Shabbat, the remaining food would not be called leftovers.[26]

Other Items

  1. A man is permitted to dry his face and hands with his wife's towel when she is a niddah. He also may use her toothbrush. There is no need to set aside a toothbrush or towel for her exclusive use when she is a niddah. [27]
  2. The couple may stand an umbrella together, as long as the umbrella is big enough to allow them both to be under it without touching. [28]
  3. A couple may read from the same book as long as they are careful not to touch each other.[29]

Sitting Together

  1. The husband may not sit on his wife's bed when she is a nidda, whether she is present or not, even if the linens have been changed to new ones. However, if it is a couch, where it is not used exclusively by her, the husband may lie on it even in front of his wife.[30] The wife may lie on her husband's bed as long as he isn't there, and may sit on his bed even if he is there[31]
  2. This is only about her bed. But the husband can sit in a chair, even if it is special for her even if it is a reclining chair.[32]
  3. If his wife is out of town when she is a nidda, the husband may lie in her bed.[33]
  4. When the wife is a nidda, the husband shouldn't use pillows or blankets that are used exclusively by her.[34]
  5. The couple may not lie together in one bed, even if it is large and wide. Even when they are on different beds, the beds should be separated. [35] This only applies if they are both in their beds.[36]
  6. They should also use separate blankets, even when the beds are separate.[37]

Traveling

  1. A couple may travel together in a private car or by public transportation, even when they sit next to each other as long as they are careful not to touch each other or each other's clothing.[38] However, some ashkenazim are strict unless the traveling is for a mitzva.[39] If the couple is using public transportation and they want to sit next to each other, he should sit on the outside and she should be near the window because he can be more careful and they should preferably place an item between them since it is difficult to otherwise avoid contact.Cite error: Closing </ref> missing for <ref> tag

Passing Items when a Woman is Niddah

  1. A man may not pass an item directly to his wife when she is a niddah, nor may he receive an item directly from her, lest they come to touch. In order to pass an object, they must place the item down on a table or chair for the spouse to pick up from there. [40]
  2. Even if the couple are in public and do not want others to know the woman is a niddah, they may not be lenient. They must place the item down and allow the spouse to pick it up, and not pass it directly. [41]
  3. A couple may not even pass a long object, such as a bench to each other when the woman is a niddah. In extenuating circumstances though, there is room for leniency, if they can be sure to avoid touching each other in the process. For example, if a couple lives on a high floor and there is no elevator, and they need to carry a baby stroller up and down stairs, and it cannot be carried by just one of them, the couple may be lenient and have the husband carry the bottom of the stroller and the wife the top, or vice versa, as long as they can be sure they will not touch in doing so. The law is the same with getting a stroller on or off the bus, or other similar situations. [42]
  4. A man is permitted to throw an object to his wife when she is a niddah, as long as it is not done in a lightheaded, frivolous, playful manner. One who is strict and refrains from doing so is praiseworthy, however. This only applies for Sepharadim. For Ashkenazim, the strict ruling is the law, and according to them, a man is not permitted to throw an object to his wife when she is a niddah. Even Ashkenazim may be lenient if the man throws the object into the air, and the wife catches it on the way down. [43]
  5. During the wedding ceremony, the groom may place the ring on the bride's finger, even if she is a niddah, he does not have to throw it to her. However, it is proper that he be as careful as possible to avoid touching her when giving her the ring. He should place it on the tip of her finger, and allow her to let it slide down her finger. [44]
  6. At a berit milah (bris or circumcision) if the mother wants to hand the baby to her husband who is the sandakthe person who holds the baby on his lap during the berit), it is the Sephardic custom to be lenient by having the baby placed on top of two pillows. The woman holds the baby by placing her hands underneath the bottom pillow, and the husband takes the baby from her by lifting the top pillow along with the baby, while the bottom pillow remains with the mother. (In this way they avoid touching). This custom has deep roots among the great Sephardic sages and the Ge'onim. The Ashkenazim though, are strict in this matter. A woman who just gave birth may not pass the baby directly to her husband who is the sandak. Rather, another man should take the baby from her and hand him over to the father. [45]
  7. When a woman is a niddah, a couple is permitted to pass a child to one another, as long as they will not touch, and as long as the child is able to go from one parent to the other on his own, since he is essentially carrying himself (nos'eh et asmo). However, one who is strict and refrains from doing so is praiseworthy. This is for Sepharadim. Ashkenazim though, who are strict regarding throwing an object to one another, should be particularly scrupulous in this matter as well. [46] However, even those who are lenient to pass a child when the wife is a niddah, should be strict if the child is extremely small, even if it can go from one to the other by itself (because its size increases the likelihood they will touch). Another case they should be strict is if the child is ill God forbid and too weak to go from one spouse to the other on its own. [47] Even when the baby is able to "carry" itself and go from one spouse to the other on its own, the couple should still pass the child to one another only when it is really necessary. For example, if the baby is crying and will suffer if the father does not take him from the mother. [48]
  8. Also, if the couple passes the child in a playful manner, that is prohibited, since doing so promotes intimacy. [49]
  9. It is preferable that a person be strict to not feed his baby while his wife who is a niddah is holding the baby. If necessary though, they may be lenient, if they are careful not to touch each other. [50]

Expressing Affection

  1. A husband may send jewelry or gifts to his wife or send her flowers when she is a Niddah as long as he isn't too effusive with his love for her lest they be drawn to do something prohibited.[51]

Looking at One's Wife

  1. A husband may enjoy his wife's look even when she is a nidda and we are not concerned that just looking at her will tempt him to transgress anything. However, he should avoid looking intentionally at the parts of the body that are usually covered to enjoy them[52]
  2. A husband may be present with his wife in the delivery room when his wife is giving birth if his presence helps calm her down but he should not look at the genital area. [53]
  3. A man may not look at the clothes of another woman who he knows even if she is not wearing them. However, he can look at his wife's clothes even when she is a nidda, and even if she is wearing them. [54]

Hearing her Voice

  1. A husband may hear his wife sing even when she is a nidda. [55] The husband is likewise permitted to hear her play a musical instrument.[56]

Smelling her Perfume

  1. A husband should not intentionally smell his wife's perfume when she is wearing it, while she is a nidda. If he inadvertently smells it, it is not forbidden.[57]
  2. A woman may place a fragrance close to her husband so that he can smell it for the beracha of Besamim in Havdala.[58]
  3. A woman may smell her husband's cologne.[59]

Acts of Service

  1. Being a nidda doesn't prevent a woman from serving her husband as she does during her pure days besides for pouring a drink for him, making his bed, and pouring water for him to wash his face. Thus, a woman may cook, bake, set the table, etc. as she always does even when she is a nidda.[60]

Making the Bed

  1. A husband may not cover his wife with a blanket when she is a nidda.[61]
  2. It is prohibited for a woman to make her husband's bed in front of him. However, in the following circumstances it would be permitted:
    1. If she is only changing the blakets and pillows, that is permissible. It is only forbidden to change the sheets and bed covers.[62]
    2. If it is done not in front of him. Even if he is in the room, if he is looking away it would be permissible.[63]
    3. If she simply is making up the bed in the morning after he wakes up, that would be permitted. It is only forbidden if she is doing so when the husband is about to lie down.[64]
  3. All of these laws apply in both directions. Thus, the husband cannot make up his wife's bed, but all of the aforementioned leniencies would still apply.[65]

Pouring Water for the Husband to Wash With

  1. A woman may not pour water on her husband so he can wash his hands, feet, and face even if she is careful not to touch her husband since this expresses affection. [66]
  2. There is no prohibition for a woman to prepare water for her husband to wash his hand for netilat yedayim.[67]
  3. # All of these laws apply in both directions. Thus, the husband cannot prepare water for her to use for washing her hands, feet, and face, but all of the aforementioned leniencies would still apply.[68]

Links

Sources

  1. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 95, Taharat Yosef 3:1
  2. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 95, Taharat Yosef 3:2
  3. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:3
  4. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 96
  5. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 97, Taharat Yosef 4:5
  6. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 97-98, Taharat Yosef 4:5
  7. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 97-98
  8. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 96-97
  9. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:4
  10. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 97
  11. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:6:1
  12. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:18
  13. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:16:2
  14. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:16:3
  15. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:17
  16. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:18
  17. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19
  18. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19:1
  19. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19:2
  20. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19:3
  21. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19:4
  22. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19:5
  23. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:19:6
  24. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:21
  25. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:21
  26. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:21
  27. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 98, Taharat Yosef 3:6
  28. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:11
  29. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:14
  30. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:22
  31. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:24
  32. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:28
  33. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:25
  34. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:23
  35. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:2
  36. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:33
  37. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:5
  38. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:30
  39. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:30
  40. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 98, Taharat Yosef 3:7
  41. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 98
  42. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 98-99, Taharat Yosef 3:7
  43. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 99, Taharat Yosef 3:7:3
  44. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 99
  45. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 99-100, Taharat Yosef 3:7:4
  46. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 100, Taharat Yosef 3:7:5
  47. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 100
  48. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 100, Taharat Yosef 3:7:5
  49. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 100
  50. ↑ Torat HaTaharah p. 100, Taharat Yosef 3:7:6
  51. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:13
  52. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:36
  53. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:38
  54. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:39
  55. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:40
  56. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:40
  57. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:41
  58. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:42
  59. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:43
  60. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:50
  61. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:26
  62. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:56
  63. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:56
  64. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:56
  65. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:57
  66. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:59
  67. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:60
  68. ↑ Taharat Yosef 3:61
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