Right Age to Marry: Difference between revisions

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# Men have an obligation to procreate<ref>Yevamos 65b. Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 1:1 and 1:5 mentions that a man should endeavor to father at least one boy and one girl.</ref> and an additional obligation to marry even if he has already fulfilled his obligation to procreate<ref>Yevamos 61b; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:8.</ref>. Men may not unnecessarily prolong singlehood<ref>Tosefta, Yevamos 8:2.</ref>.
# Men have an obligation to procreate<ref>Yevamos 65b. Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 1:1 and 1:5 mentions that a man should endeavor to father at least one boy and one girl.</ref> and an additional obligation to marry even if he has already fulfilled his obligation to procreate<ref>Yevamos 61b; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:8.</ref>. Men may not unnecessarily prolong singlehood<ref>Tosefta, Yevamos 8:2.</ref>.
# Women are exempt from the obligation to procreate<ref>Yevamos 65b</ref> and thus may have no obligation to marry<ref>Tosefta, Yevamos 8:2; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer, 1:13. However, see Rama (ibid.) and Sanhedrin 76a-76b.</ref>.
# Women are exempt from the obligation to have children<ref>Yevamot 65b, Tosefta, Yevamot 8:2; Sefer Hachinuch Mitzva 1, Shulchan Aruch, E.H., 1:13. However, see Rama (ibid.) and Sanhedrin 76a-76b.</ref>, but they nevertheless should get married and are rewarded for having children. <ref>Sanhedrin 76a-b, Rambam Ishut 15:16, Rama E.H. 1:13. Ran (Kiddushin 16b) establishes that even though a woman is exempt from having children, she has a mitzvah to get married to enable her husband to fulfill this mitzvah of pru urevu. Additionally, Shita Lo Nodah L’mi (Kiddushin 41a) says that women either have a rabbinic mitzvah to have children or a woman who has children gets reward like someone who volunteers for a mitzvah. See Meshech Chochma Bereishit 9:7 who suggests that the reason the Torah exempted women from this mitzva is because having children is potentially dangerous and the Torah wouldn’t obligate them to put themselves in danger</ref>
# Although men become obligated to perform mitzvot upon reaching majority (age 13), learning Torah takes priority over marriage until age 18, and thus men have no obligation to marry beforehand<ref>Avos 5:21; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:3; Chelkas Mechokeik, ibid. §2. Cf. Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:2.</ref>.
# Although men become obligated to perform mitzvot upon reaching majority (age 13), learning Torah takes priority over marriage until age 18, and thus men have no obligation to marry beforehand<ref>Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:3; Chelkas Mechokeik, EH 1:2. Cf. Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:2.
* The mishna in pirkei avot 5:21 states that a person should endeavor to get married at 18. The Rambam (Ishut 15:2) interestingly deviates from the mishna and writes that a person should endeavor to get married at 17. The Maggid Mishna (ad loc.) explains that in fact the Rambam agrees but just means after a person has lived 17 complete years and is 18, he is obligated to get married. The Mishna Halachot 9:240 explains that in fact the Rambam agrees with the Mishna but understands that it takes a year to find a suitable spouse and get married; at 17, he should be involved in finding a spouse and at 18 get married. The Gemara Kiddushin 29b emphatically states that a person may not delay beyond 20 before getting married and if he does he is cursed by Hashem. This is codified by the Rambam (Ishut 15:2) and Shulchan Aruch EH 1:3.</ref>.
# Ideally, a man should marry before age 20 while continuing to learn Torah; however, if one finds it impossible to do both, due to the financial burden of sustaining a family, learning Torah takes precedence and he may delay marriage past age 20.<ref>Kiddushin 29b; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:3. Yalkut Yosef EH 1:2 writes that it is advisable for yeshiva bochrim to get married by 20 and for some it is advisable to wait until after 20 depending on his personality.</ref> It is unclear how long such delay may extend:<ref>Rosh to Kiddushin 29b.</ref> some suggest that one may continue learning until he feels satisfied with the amount of Torah he has learned,<ref>Levush, Even Haezer 1:4, cited in Aruch Hashulchan, Even Haezer 1:13.</ref> while others suggest an absolute limit of age 24.<ref>Yam Shel Shlomo, Kiddushin §47, cited in Aruch Hashulchan, Even Haezer 1:13; see Rashi and Rosh to Kiddushin 30a.</ref>
# The obligation for a man to be married by a certain age only refers to the age one should be working to get married, not someone who is unsuccessful in dating despite his best efforts.<ref>Sefer Toldot Yaakov pg. 335 writes in the name of the Steipler that what the Gemara says about getting married by a certain age is only requiring that you put in the effort to do so. Obviously, the gemara was not referring to someone who tried but was unsuccessfu</ref>
# If an unmarried man finds it impossible to avoid experiencing hirhurim, marriage takes precedence over learning Torah.<ref>Kiddushin 29b; Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Dei’ah 246:2, Beit Shmuel 1:5 </ref> It is forbidden to fantasize about sinning.<ref>Berachos 12b.</ref>
# If one truly loves learning Torah to the extent that Ben Azai did<ref>See Tosefta Yevamos 8:5; Yevamos 63b; cf. Kesuvos 63b; Sotah 4b.</ref> and is totally devoted to the Torah, he is not prohibited from delaying marriage indefinitely, provided that his sexual desire does not overcome him;<ref>Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:4.</ref> nevertheless, one should not do so.<ref>Taz EH 1:6.</ref> Ben Azai’s example is exceptional; such people are extremely rare<ref>Rosh to Kiddushin 29b; Ritva to Yevamos 63b.</ref> and some say that no one who compares to Ben Azai in our generation.<ref>The Aruch Hashulchan 1:14 rules that there is nobody in our generation who can live up to such a standard of attachment to Torah so there would be no exemption from the mitzva of getting married.</ref>
# At the end of the day, the YU roshei yeshiva maintain that it is a very personal question and there is no specific age by when a man should start to date and get married.<ref>Rav Willig (Dating and Marriage min 4) quoted Rav Soloveitchik as saying that marriage helps a person deal with an existential feeling of loneliness, which is felt by different individuals at different ages.</ref> One should only start to date if he is ready to get married and ready to have children.<ref>Rav Willig (Dating and Marriage min 43)</ref>
# Ideally, one should attain a livelihood before marriage.<ref>Sotah 44a; Rambam Dei’ot 5:11</ref> Nowadays, the minhag is not to be too concerned about this.<ref>Rav Schachter (oral communication). Rav Willig cited the Torah Temima (Devarim 20n. 31) who qualifies the Gemara’s statement to a case where a person has the means to acquire a house and a job before getting married. Otherwise, one shouldn’t delay getting married.</ref>
# One may delay marriage until he can find a suitable or compatible wife.<ref>Yad Dovid, Vol. 3, 15:6 (cited in Frankel’s “Sefer Hamafteach” to Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:2).</ref>
 
==Livelihood==
# Ideally, one should attain a livelihood before marriage<ref>Sotah 44a; Rambam, Hilchos Dei’os 5:11.</ref>.
# Ideally, one should attain a livelihood before marriage<ref>Sotah 44a; Rambam, Hilchos Dei’os 5:11.</ref>.
# Ideally, a man should marry before age 20 while continuing to learn Torah; however, if one finds it impossible to do both, due to the financial burden of sustaining a family, learning Torah takes precedence and he may delay marriage past age 20.<ref>Kiddushin 29b; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:3.</ref> It is unclear how long such delay may extend:<ref>Rosh to Kiddushin 29b.</ref> some suggest that one may continue learning until he feels satisfied with the amount of Torah he has learned,<ref>Levush, Even Haezer 1:4, cited in Aruch Hashulchan, Even Haezer 1:13.</ref> while others suggest an absolute limit of age 24.<ref>Yam Shel Shlomo, Kiddushin §47, cited in Aruch Hashulchan, Even Haezer 1:13; see Rashi and Rosh to Kiddushin 30a.</ref>
==Older Siblings==
# If an unmarried man finds it impossible to avoid experiencing hirhurim, marriage takes precedence over learning Torah.<ref>Kiddushin 29b; Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Dei’ah 246:2.</ref> It is forbidden to fantasize about sinning.<ref>Berachos 12b.</ref>
# It is permissible for a younger brother to get married before his older brother. Yet, sometimes it is advisable for the younger brother to wait in finding a shidduch until his older brother already found his shidduch. In these cases, it is proper to ask a Rabbi for personal advise and pesak.<ref>Rashbam (Bava Basra 120a) seems to understand the statement of Lavan in Sefer Bereishit, “It shall not be done thus in our place – to give the younger one [in marriage] before the older (Bereishis 29:26)” as the source for a Halacha. Indeed, Shulchan Aruch (YD 244:13) rules that regarding marriage, age does take precedence. The Shach (244:13) explains this to mean that out of respect, a younger brother or sister should wait for the older sibling to marry before getting married themselves. However, Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe E.H. 2:1) explains that the Shach simply meant if two siblings were engaged, the older should be allowed to marry first. If neither is engaged, then the younger sibling can get married first. Yalkut Yosef (Chupah VeKiddushin p. 43) agrees. Teshuvot Vihanhagot (1:739) only permits it if it would not cause pain to the older sibling.</ref>
# If one truly loves learning Torah to the extent that Ben Azai did<ref>See Tosefta Yevamos 8:5; Yevamos 63b; cf. Kesuvos 63b; Sotah 4b.</ref> and is totally devoted to the Torah, he is not prohibited from delaying marriage indefinitely, provided that his sexual desire does not overcome him;<ref>Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:4.</ref> nevertheless, one should not do so.<ref>Taz EH 1:6.</ref> Ben Azai’s example is exceptional; such people are extremely rare.<ref>Rosh to Kiddushin 29b; Ritva to Yevamos 63b.</ref>
# One may delay marriage until he can find a suitable or compatible wife.<ref>Yad Dovid, Vol. 3, 15:6 (cited in Frankel’s “Sefer Hamafteach” to Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:2).</ref>


==Sources==
==Sources==
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Latest revision as of 22:08, 25 June 2024

  1. Men have an obligation to procreate[1] and an additional obligation to marry even if he has already fulfilled his obligation to procreate[2]. Men may not unnecessarily prolong singlehood[3].
  2. Women are exempt from the obligation to have children[4], but they nevertheless should get married and are rewarded for having children. [5]
  3. Although men become obligated to perform mitzvot upon reaching majority (age 13), learning Torah takes priority over marriage until age 18, and thus men have no obligation to marry beforehand[6].
  4. Ideally, a man should marry before age 20 while continuing to learn Torah; however, if one finds it impossible to do both, due to the financial burden of sustaining a family, learning Torah takes precedence and he may delay marriage past age 20.[7] It is unclear how long such delay may extend:[8] some suggest that one may continue learning until he feels satisfied with the amount of Torah he has learned,[9] while others suggest an absolute limit of age 24.[10]
  5. The obligation for a man to be married by a certain age only refers to the age one should be working to get married, not someone who is unsuccessful in dating despite his best efforts.[11]
  6. If an unmarried man finds it impossible to avoid experiencing hirhurim, marriage takes precedence over learning Torah.[12] It is forbidden to fantasize about sinning.[13]
  7. If one truly loves learning Torah to the extent that Ben Azai did[14] and is totally devoted to the Torah, he is not prohibited from delaying marriage indefinitely, provided that his sexual desire does not overcome him;[15] nevertheless, one should not do so.[16] Ben Azai’s example is exceptional; such people are extremely rare[17] and some say that no one who compares to Ben Azai in our generation.[18]
  8. At the end of the day, the YU roshei yeshiva maintain that it is a very personal question and there is no specific age by when a man should start to date and get married.[19] One should only start to date if he is ready to get married and ready to have children.[20]
  9. Ideally, one should attain a livelihood before marriage.[21] Nowadays, the minhag is not to be too concerned about this.[22]
  10. One may delay marriage until he can find a suitable or compatible wife.[23]

Livelihood

  1. Ideally, one should attain a livelihood before marriage[24].

Older Siblings

  1. It is permissible for a younger brother to get married before his older brother. Yet, sometimes it is advisable for the younger brother to wait in finding a shidduch until his older brother already found his shidduch. In these cases, it is proper to ask a Rabbi for personal advise and pesak.[25]

Sources

  1. ↑ Yevamos 65b. Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer 1:1 and 1:5 mentions that a man should endeavor to father at least one boy and one girl.
  2. ↑ Yevamos 61b; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:8.
  3. ↑ Tosefta, Yevamos 8:2.
  4. ↑ Yevamot 65b, Tosefta, Yevamot 8:2; Sefer Hachinuch Mitzva 1, Shulchan Aruch, E.H., 1:13. However, see Rama (ibid.) and Sanhedrin 76a-76b.
  5. ↑ Sanhedrin 76a-b, Rambam Ishut 15:16, Rama E.H. 1:13. Ran (Kiddushin 16b) establishes that even though a woman is exempt from having children, she has a mitzvah to get married to enable her husband to fulfill this mitzvah of pru urevu. Additionally, Shita Lo Nodah L’mi (Kiddushin 41a) says that women either have a rabbinic mitzvah to have children or a woman who has children gets reward like someone who volunteers for a mitzvah. See Meshech Chochma Bereishit 9:7 who suggests that the reason the Torah exempted women from this mitzva is because having children is potentially dangerous and the Torah wouldn’t obligate them to put themselves in danger
  6. ↑ Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:3; Chelkas Mechokeik, EH 1:2. Cf. Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:2.
    • The mishna in pirkei avot 5:21 states that a person should endeavor to get married at 18. The Rambam (Ishut 15:2) interestingly deviates from the mishna and writes that a person should endeavor to get married at 17. The Maggid Mishna (ad loc.) explains that in fact the Rambam agrees but just means after a person has lived 17 complete years and is 18, he is obligated to get married. The Mishna Halachot 9:240 explains that in fact the Rambam agrees with the Mishna but understands that it takes a year to find a suitable spouse and get married; at 17, he should be involved in finding a spouse and at 18 get married. The Gemara Kiddushin 29b emphatically states that a person may not delay beyond 20 before getting married and if he does he is cursed by Hashem. This is codified by the Rambam (Ishut 15:2) and Shulchan Aruch EH 1:3.
  7. ↑ Kiddushin 29b; Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:3. Yalkut Yosef EH 1:2 writes that it is advisable for yeshiva bochrim to get married by 20 and for some it is advisable to wait until after 20 depending on his personality.
  8. ↑ Rosh to Kiddushin 29b.
  9. ↑ Levush, Even Haezer 1:4, cited in Aruch Hashulchan, Even Haezer 1:13.
  10. ↑ Yam Shel Shlomo, Kiddushin §47, cited in Aruch Hashulchan, Even Haezer 1:13; see Rashi and Rosh to Kiddushin 30a.
  11. ↑ Sefer Toldot Yaakov pg. 335 writes in the name of the Steipler that what the Gemara says about getting married by a certain age is only requiring that you put in the effort to do so. Obviously, the gemara was not referring to someone who tried but was unsuccessfu
  12. ↑ Kiddushin 29b; Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Dei’ah 246:2, Beit Shmuel 1:5
  13. ↑ Berachos 12b.
  14. ↑ See Tosefta Yevamos 8:5; Yevamos 63b; cf. Kesuvos 63b; Sotah 4b.
  15. ↑ Shulchan Aruch, Even Haezer 1:4.
  16. ↑ Taz EH 1:6.
  17. ↑ Rosh to Kiddushin 29b; Ritva to Yevamos 63b.
  18. ↑ The Aruch Hashulchan 1:14 rules that there is nobody in our generation who can live up to such a standard of attachment to Torah so there would be no exemption from the mitzva of getting married.
  19. ↑ Rav Willig (Dating and Marriage min 4) quoted Rav Soloveitchik as saying that marriage helps a person deal with an existential feeling of loneliness, which is felt by different individuals at different ages.
  20. ↑ Rav Willig (Dating and Marriage min 43)
  21. ↑ Sotah 44a; Rambam Dei’ot 5:11
  22. ↑ Rav Schachter (oral communication). Rav Willig cited the Torah Temima (Devarim 20n. 31) who qualifies the Gemara’s statement to a case where a person has the means to acquire a house and a job before getting married. Otherwise, one shouldn’t delay getting married.
  23. ↑ Yad Dovid, Vol. 3, 15:6 (cited in Frankel’s “Sefer Hamafteach” to Rambam, Hilchos Ishus 15:2).
  24. ↑ Sotah 44a; Rambam, Hilchos Dei’os 5:11.
  25. ↑ Rashbam (Bava Basra 120a) seems to understand the statement of Lavan in Sefer Bereishit, “It shall not be done thus in our place – to give the younger one [in marriage] before the older (Bereishis 29:26)” as the source for a Halacha. Indeed, Shulchan Aruch (YD 244:13) rules that regarding marriage, age does take precedence. The Shach (244:13) explains this to mean that out of respect, a younger brother or sister should wait for the older sibling to marry before getting married themselves. However, Rav Moshe Feinstein (Igrot Moshe E.H. 2:1) explains that the Shach simply meant if two siblings were engaged, the older should be allowed to marry first. If neither is engaged, then the younger sibling can get married first. Yalkut Yosef (Chupah VeKiddushin p. 43) agrees. Teshuvot Vihanhagot (1:739) only permits it if it would not cause pain to the older sibling.
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