Harchakot of Niddah

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Harchakot (Hebrew: הרחקות, tran. separations) are supplementary Rabbinic restrictions intended to prevent a couple from excessive intimacy which could lead them to biblically forbidden conduct during the niddah period. Couples tend to have a certain level of familiarity, routine, and habitual rapport, therefore, the Sages - with their psychological understanding and insight - saw the need for these additional restrictions. Accordingly, these precautions only apply to married couples and does not pertain to interactions with women whom a man invariably may not touch.

These precautions commence with the wife's menstruation and extend until the culmination of her purification process: immersion. This prohibition remains even if a woman reached menopause, when she no longer experiences menstrual cycles, and in the past has not followed the requisite steps to purification; she must unfetter herself with a count of hefsek taharah, seven clean days, and immersion.

Touching

1. Physical affection of any sort is prohibited to a couple during the wife's niddah period. To safeguard this, the Rabbis prohibited any form of physical contact, even of infinitesimal and unaffectionate nature.
2. Moreover, the couple must refrain from touching the others outfit that is being worn (e.g., one spouse cannot remove dirt off the other's coat while he/she is wearing it). This is prohibited even if the other can not feel the touch. They must also also prevent their outfits from touching. These restrictions apply only to garments worn, one may however touch the other's clothing while not worn.
3. Couples may share an umbrella, provided it is large enough to accommodate both with no touch.

Intimate Speech

1. During this period, couples must be cautious not to engage in conviviality or lightheartedness, for such behavior often breeds physical closeness. They must also refrain from confabulating flirtatiously or frivolously.
2. A husband may - and should - praise and complement his wife on her dress, cooking, skills or the like during this period, as this is not considered intimate speech. The same applies to speech conventionally used by couples to cultivate a pleasant atmosphere in the home.
3. Presenting a gift to the other during this time is permitted, provided this gesture not lead them to act intimate or touch.
4. Reading a book together is permitted, provided that they are cautious not to touch one another.
5. There is a dispute between the authorities in regards to the permissibility of couples engaging in sports and games (eg. ping-pong, tennis) during this period. Leniency understandably is provided that they do not come to lighthearted or physical behavior.

Seclusion

1. The laws of Yichud prohibit the seclusion of a man and a woman forbidden to each other, with the goal to obviate the two from improper intimate behavior. These laws do not apply to married couples during the menstruation periods, and they may be secluded in private quarters. However, if a bride is a niddah at her wedding, the law is different, where the newlyweds may not even be left alone together, particularly at night, until the completion of her purification.

Harchakot of Eating and Food

Eating at the Same Table

1. Couples dining often suggests intimacy. The Rabbis therefore called for caution in such an intimate setting, forming the restriction of eating at the same table without a physical reminder (often called: "heker") of the niddah status. Examples of such reminders include: placing an object or food item on the table that is not normally kept there and will not be used during the meal, eating on separate place-mats (if they do not regularly do so) and the changing of seats if if they typically have designated places. Sitting far apart from each other on a long table also serves as a sufficient reminder.
2. According to some authorities, this requirement is not needed when dining accompanied by other adults or with children old enough to be embarrassed by intimate behavior.
3. According to some authorities, drinking or noshing on a small snack does not mandate a reminder.
4. A sefer or siddur should not be used as a reminder as this constitutes irreverent usage of Holy Books. (See Respecting Holy Books).

Eating from the Same Plate

1. The Rabbis also forbade couples from sharing a plate while eating together. This prohibition applies at all times, even while dining with others.
2. They may use a shared central serving platter, provided they place the food on their own plates or on the table before eating.
3. They may not eat from the same serving bowl unless they first put it down on their own plates. Similarly, if there is a serving bowl with rolls or fruits they can each take from it even without placing it down on a plate, though some are strict in this case.
4. They may dip their bread in a shared salt dish.

Drinking or Eating a Spouse's Leftovers

1. The Rabbis also prohibited the husband from drinking his wife's leftovers, as this is an act that denotes endearment. This restriction applies specifically to the male, the wife however, may eat or drink her husband's leftovers.
2. The husband may partake of his wife's leftovers in any of the following circumstances:
   • The drink was transferred to another utensil. This is permitted even if the contents were then poured back into the original utensil.
   • If someone else drank from the cup after her drinking, separating between their drinking.
   • He is not aware that she drank from this utensil (she need not inform him)
   • If the wife is no longer present. Moreover, even if she later returns, he may nevertheless continue this drinking.
   • Sephardic custom is to be lenient if the cup is partially refilled. Ashkenazim don't accept this leniency.
3. Most Sephardic authorities restrict this prohibition to drinking only and do not extend it to food. Ashkenazim, however, prohibit eating leftovers of her food as well.
4. According to Ashkenazic custom, if the wife ate from a dish often classified as one, such as finely cut vegetables, anything left over is prohibited to the husband. If, however, a plate contains two large particles of food, and the wife only ate from one, the husband may indulge in the other.
   1. For example, if a husband and wife cut up a large loaf of bread, which is meant for more than one person, it is permitted for each of them to each from their own slice since it is meant for multiple people. However, a small roll which is meant for one person cannot be split.
5. According to Ashkenazic custom, if the wife took butter or the like with a utensil, and then returned the knife with extra butter on it to the butter dish, it would then be forbidden for her husband to use that butter. Some are lenient.

Using the Spouse's Bed

1. It is prohibited for the husband to lie or sit upon a bed that was designated for his wife, even while not in her presence. A wife may however sit on her husband's bed, and lie upon it only if he is absent.
2. This restriction was specifically to the usage of the other's bed, a designated chair or recliner is not included in this prohibition.
3. Although usage of her bed is prohibited even not in her presence, if the wife is away from town for a couple of days, the husband may make use of her bed.
4. Sitting or standing upon her bed in order to reach something held above is permitted, as this is not classified as an act of closeness.
5. The husband additionally may not use linen or pillows designated exclusively for his wife's use. He may however use his wife's body towel, as the aforementioned requirements apply solely to bedding.
6. The couple may not switch mattresses during this period.

Separating Beds

1. During the menstrual period, the couple may not sleep on the same bed, even if they are fully clothed, and do not touch.
2. Moreover, their beds must be separated. There is no absolute required Rabbinic measure for the distance between their beds, however, some require the beds to be far enough apart that the bed along with its linen do not touch, while others require that they be an arm's length away.
3. This prohibition of their beds touching only applies when they both are in use by the couple. If only one of them is in bed, this prohibition does not apply
4. Some authorities permit the usage of mattresses which come apart but are still attached to a single headboard or foot-board.
5. There is a dispute in regards to separate beds situated beneath a suspended canopy.

Sitting Together

Benches and Couches

1. According to the letter of the law, they may sit on a long bench or even a soft couch ("Safsal HaMitnadned") where each others movement can be felt, provided that they take care not to touch each other. The Ashkenazi custom is to prohibit sitting together on a long bench or couch where the movement of one can be felt by the other. If however, another person sits between them, this would be permitted. This is not the custom of most Sephardi communities, including Teimanim, but it was the custom of the community in Baghdad.

Traveling Together

1. A couple may travel together in a private car or by public transportation, even when they sit next to each other as long as they are careful not to touch each other or each other's clothing.
2. Traveling in a car for a vacation or pleasure trip is permissible. However, some poskim are strict unless the traveling is for a purpose.
3. If the couple is using public transportation and they want to sit next to each other, he should sit on the outside and she should be near the window because he can be more careful and they should preferably place an item between them since it is difficult to otherwise avoid contact.
4. Some Sephardic authorities recommend being strict on sitting together in transit, even though they are lenient by sitting together in general.

Passing Objects

1. It is prohibited for the couple to pass objects from hand to hand, instead one should place the object on a surface, or drop it, and the other should pick it up. The Rabbis prohibited this in order to prevent any possibility of them touching. This restriction must be followed even while in public.
2. Ashkenazic custom is to be stringent not to lift an object together. If however a large object, such as a baby carriage, needs to be lifted, and the husband and wife are the only ones available, they may carry it together, provided they take care not to touch. Sephardic custom, however, is to be lenient allowing the carrying of heavy items together.
3. Ashkenazim prohibit the throwing of objects in a straight line from one spouse to the other. Throwing something on a trajectory upwards, however, is disputed. Most Sephardic authorities permit even direct throwing.
4. During the wedding ceremony, the groom may place the ring on the bride's finger, even if she is a niddah, he does not have to throw it to her. However, it is proper that he be as careful as possible to avoid touching her when giving her the ring. He should place it on the tip of her finger, and allow her to let it slide down her finger.
5. At a berit milah (bris or circumcision) if the mother wants to hand the baby to her husband who is the sandakthe person who holds the baby on his lap during the berit), it is the Sephardic custom to be lenient by having the baby placed on top of two pillows. The woman holds the baby by placing her hands underneath the bottom pillow, and the husband takes the baby from her by lifting the top pillow along with the baby, while the bottom pillow remains with the mother. (In this way they avoid touching). This custom has deep roots among the great Sephardic sages and the Ge'onim. The Ashkenazim though, are strict in this matter. A woman who just gave birth may not pass the baby directly to her husband who is the sandak. Rather, another man should take the baby from her and hand him over to the father.
6. When a woman is a niddah, a couple is permitted to pass a child to one another, as long as they will not touch, and as long as the child is able to go from one parent to the other on his own, since he is essentially carrying himself (nos'eh et asmo). However, one who is strict and refrains from doing so is praiseworthy. This is for Sephardim. Ashkenazim though, who are strict regarding throwing an object to one another, should be particularly scrupulous in this matter as well. However, even those who are lenient to pass a child when the wife is a niddah, should be strict if the child is extremely small, even if it can go from one to the other by itself (because its size increases the likelihood they will touch). Another case they should be strict is if the child is ill God forbid and too weak to go from one spouse to the other on its own. Even when the baby is able to "carry" itself and go from one spouse to the other on its own, the couple should still pass the child to one another only when it is really necessary. For example, if the baby is crying and will suffer if the father does not take him from the mother.
7. Also, if the couple passes the child in a playful manner, that is prohibited, since doing so promotes intimacy.
8. It is preferable that a person be strict to not feed his baby while his wife who is a niddah is holding the baby. If necessary though, they may be lenient, if they are careful not to touch each other.

Looking at One's Wife

1. A husband may enjoy his wife's look even when she is a nidda and we are not concerned that just looking at her will tempt him to transgress anything. However, he may not look at the parts of the body that are usually covered.
2. When a woman is a niddah the husband may not see areas of her body that are usually covered. The definition of what he usually sees uncovered depends on what she would normally wear at home with no one else besides her husband. It is permitted for him to see her hair uncovered when she is a niddah.
   1. A woman doesn’t need to cover her hair inside her house when just her family is around when she’s a niddah, others disagree.
3. A husband may be present with his wife in the delivery room when his wife is giving birth if his presence helps calm her down but he can't look at his wife when she's actually giving birth.
4. A man may not look at the clothes of another woman who he knows even if she is not wearing them so that one doesn't come to improper thoughts. However, he can look at his wife's clothes even when she is a nidda and even if she is wearing them.

Hearing her Sing

1. There is a dispute if a husband can listen to his wife sing when she is a niddah. The same dispute is relevant to singing zemiros Shabbos together.
2. According to those who allow listening to one's wife sing when she's a niddah, it is likewise permitted to hear her play a musical instrument. However, those who are strict on listening to her sing would also be strict on listening to her play an instrument if it could lead to endearment.

See also Listening to Women Sing: Married Women.

Smelling her Perfume

1. It is prohibited for the husband to to intentionally smell the aroma of his wife's perfume.
2. A husband may smell spices or fragrance held by his wife (eg. during Havdala). It would however be preferable for him to refrain from this.

Acts of Service

1. Being a nidda doesn't prevent a woman from serving her husband as she does during her pure days besides for pouring a drink for him, making his bed, and pouring water for him to wash his face. Thus, a woman may cook, bake, set the table, etc. as she always does even when she is a nidda.

Making the Bed

1. A husband may not cover his wife with a blanket when she is a nidda.
2. It is prohibited for a woman to make her husband's bed in front of him. However, in the following circumstances it would be permitted:
   1. If she is only changing the blakets and pillows, that is permissible. It is only forbidden to change the sheets and bed covers.
   2. If it is done not in front of him. Even if he is in the room, if he is looking away it would be permissible.
   3. If she simply is making up the bed in the morning after he wakes up, that would be permitted. It is only forbidden if she is doing so when the husband is about to lie down.
3. All of these laws apply in both directions. Thus, the husband cannot make up his wife's bed, but all of the aforementioned leniencies would still apply.

Pouring Water for the Husband to Wash With

1. A woman may not pour water on her husband so he can wash his hands, feet, and face even if she is careful not to touch her husband since this expresses affection.
2. Some poskim hold that it is permitted for a woman to fill a bath for her husband but it is better for her to do so not in his presence. Others forbid this.
3. There is no prohibition for a woman to prepare water for her husband to wash his hand for netilat yedayim.
4. All of these laws apply in both directions. Thus, the husband cannot prepare water for her to use for washing her hands, feet, and face, but all of the aforementioned leniencies would still apply.

Serving Foods and Drinks

1. A woman should not serve food or pour drinks other than water for her husband when she is a niddah.
2. Sephardim hold that this only applies to wine. A wife may serve her husband food and vice versa.
3. This law applies in both directions so a husband may not pour drinks or serve food for his wife.

Pouring a Kiddush Cup

1. A wife may not pour a cup of wine for her husband and he may not pour a cup of wine for his wife. Even for Kiddush the husband should not pass his kiddush cup to his wife to drink. If she isn't the only one who drinks from the cup, such as if all of the members of the family drink it is permitted.
2. A husband may not pour his wife wine or pass her the kiddush cup. If someone else besides the husband and wife drink from the kiddush cup there is no issue with the husband and wife both drinking from the kiddush cup. It doesn't matter whether that person drinks between or after them.
3. Some say that sending a drink to your wife only applies to wine, others extend it to other important drinks.

Summary of Harchakot

Activity	Wife to/for Husband	Husband to/for Wife	Not in Spouse's Presence
Eating Spouse's Leftovers	Permitted	Forbidden	Permitted
Sitting on the Spouse's Bed	Permitted	Forbidden	Forbidden
Lying on the Spouse's Bed	Forbidden	Forbidden	Forbidden
Looking at Spouse's Usually Covered Body Parts	Permitted	Forbidden	N/A
Pouring Drinks (and Serving Food) for Spouse	Forbidden	Forbidden	Permitted
Making Spouse's Bed	Forbidden	Forbidden	Permitted
Pouring Water upon Spouse	Forbidden	Forbidden	Dispute

A Niddah Going to Shul and Cemeteries

1. Ashkenazim have a minhag that woman don't look at the sefer torah when they are a niddah and don't go to a cemetery when they are a niddah unless she would feel bad by not being able to go to the cemetery.
2. During this period women may - and must - recite all blessings and prayers as usual.

Links

• Harchakos Passing Items, Beds, Eating together by Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky
• Harchakos Part 1 by Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz