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Embarrassing another person is one of the most severe prohibitions in the Torah. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most often violated. It is essential to learn the Halachot of [[embarrassing others]] in order to avoid causing this terrible pain to others.
Yaaleh VeYavo is a special [[prayer]] inserted in [[Shemoneh Esrei]] and [[Birkat HaMazon]] on the [[holidays]]. The laws of if someone forgets to mention Yaaleh VeYavo are organized below:
==Source of Prohibition==
==Yaaleh Vyavo in Shemonah Esrei==
There are two possible prohibitions that one violates when he or she embarrasses another.  
===Chol HaMoed===
# On [[Chol HaMoed]], one should insert Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Shemoneh Esrei]] during the Bracha of Avoda (Retzeh). If one forgot to say Yaaleh VeYavo and remembered before concluding [[Shemoneh Esrei]] (with Yeyihu LeRatzon) one should return to Retzeh and continue from there. However, if one only remembered after finishing [[Shemoneh Esrei]], one must repeat [[Shemoneh Esrei]]. <ref>S"A 124:10, Kitzur S"A 19:11, [[Tefillah]] KeHilchato 23:106 </ref>
===Rosh Chodesh===
# On [[Rosh Chodesh]] one should say Yaaleh VeYavo during Retzeh of [[Shemoneh Esrei]]. <ref> S"A 422:1 </ref>
# If one forgets Yaaleh VeYavo at [[Mariv/Arvit]] once one finished the Bracha of Retzeh (and all the more so if one finished [[Shemoneh Esrei]]) one doesn’t return to the Bracha or repeat [[Shemoneh Esrei]]. The same is true whether it is the first or second day of [[Rosh Chodesh]]. <Ref>Gemara [[Brachot]] 30b says that if one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo at [[Mariv]]/Arivt one shouldn’t repeat [[Shemoneh Esrei]] because the Bet Din doesn’t sanctify the moon during the night. The Gemara says that it doesn’t matter whether it’s the first or second day of [[Rosh Chodesh]]. This is codified in Tur and S”A 422:1. </ref>
## If one forgot to say Yaaleh VeYavo and remembered before Baruch Atta Hashem one should go back to Yaaleh VeYavo and continue from there. However if one remembers after Baruch Atta Hashem then one doesn’t go back. <Ref>Mishna Brurah 294:7, 422:2 </ref>
# If one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Shacharit]] or [[Mincha]] and remembers:
* before saying Baruch Atta Hashem one should return to Yaaleh VeYavo
* after saying Baruch Atta Hashem one conclude the Bracha with the words “Lamdeni Chukecha” and then return to Yaaleh VeYavo.  
* after saying HaMachzir…LeTzion but didn’t begin Modim, one should say Yaaleh VeYavo right there and continue with Modim.
* after beginning Modim before Yeheu LeRatzon one should return to Retzah and continue from there. <ref> S”A 422:1, Mishna Brurah 422:5, Ishei Yisrael 39:18, See Igrot Moshe 4:93 </ref>
* after finishing [[Shemoneh Esrei]], repeat [[Shemoneh Esrei]]. <ref> S”A 422:1 </ref>
# If one forgot to say Yaaleh Veyavo in [[Shacharit]] and then remembers at the beginning of [[Mussaf]] (within first three [[Brachot]]) one should continue with [[Shacharit]] and then say Mussah. <Ref>Mishna Brurah 422:4 </ref>
# If one already said [[Mussaf]], it’s a dispute and one should make a stipulation that if I’m obligated to say another [[Tefillah]] it should count as an obligatory [[Tefillah]] and if not it should be considered a nedavah. <Ref>Mishna Brurah 422:4 </ref>
# If someone is in doubt whether or not one said Yaaleh VeYavo then one should repeat [[Shemoneh Esrei]]. <ref> Mishna Brurah 422:10 </ref>
# If someone thought to say Yaaleh VeYavo before [[Davening]] and then a long time afterwards remembers vaguely then one is assumed to have fulfilled one’s obligation. <ref> Mishna Brurah 422:10 </ref>
# However, if one remembered immediately afterwards then we assume that one didn’t say Yaaleh VeYavo. <ref> Mishna Brurah 422:10 </ref>
# If one forgot to say Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Mincha]] of [[Rosh Chodesh]] and only remembers at night (after [[Rosh Chodesh]]) one should say two [[Shemoneh Esrei]]s of [[Maariv]] (without Yaaleh VeYavo) as [[Tashlumin]] and the second one should be said with a stipulation of being a voluntary [[prayer]] (if I’m obligated let this be a obligatory [[prayer]] and if not let it be a voluntary one). <ref>S”A 108:11, Mishna Brurah 108:33-34 </ref>
# If the hazzan forgot to say yaale veyavo during his silent amida, he does not go back and repeat it. <ref> Kitzur S"A of Rav Rephael Baruch Toledano, Volume 1, Page 116 </ref>
# If the hazzan forgot to say [[yaaleh veyavo]] during the chazart hashatz, he should not repeat the chazara. <ref> Kitzur S"A of Rav Rephael Baruch Toledano, Volume 1, Page 116 </ref>
# If the hazzan forgot to say yaale veyavo during the chazarat hashatz but remembered before he finished, he should go back to "retze" and then finish the chazara. <ref> Kitzur S"A of Rav Rephael Baruch Toledano, Volume 1, Page 116 </ref>
==Yaaleh VeYavo in Benching==
===Rosh Chodesh===
# On [[Rosh Chodesh]] one should insert Yaaleh VeYavo in the middle of the third Bracha of [[Birkat HaMazon]]. <Ref>S”A 188:4, 5 </ref>
# On [[Rosh chodesh]] in [[Birkat HaMazon]] if one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo and one realized:
## before saying Hashem’s name at the end of the third Bracha one should return to Yaaleh VeYavo and then continue from there. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 510) </ref>
## after saying Hashem’s name but before saying Boneh Yerushalayim one should immediately say למדני חוקיך which is the conclusion of a פסוק in Tehillim and then return to Yaaleh Veyavo and continue from there. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 510) </ref>
## after finishing the third Bracha before starting the fourth Bracha one should insert a special Bracha ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם שנתן ראשי חדשים לעמו ישראל לזכרון. <Ref>S”A 188:7 writes that whether it’s by day or night if one remembers that one forgot Yaaleh VaYavo between the third and fourth Bracha should insert the special Bracha of ברוך שנתן ראשי חדשים לעמו ישראל לזכרון. Biur Halacha D”H Omer and Mishna Brurah 188:25 conclude that one should say אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם in the beginning of the Bracha.</ref>
## within the first six words of the fourth Bracha (ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם) one should continue with the special Bracha (שנתן...) mentioned in the last option. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 515) </ref>
## after one said the seventh word in the fourth Bracha one should continue and not repeat Birkat Hamazon. <Ref>S”A 188:7 writes that one doesn’t need to repeat [[Birkat HaMazon]] if one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo on [[Rosh Chodesh]] because there’s no obligation to have a bread meal on [[Rosh Chodesh]]. </ref>
===Yom Tov===
# On [[Yom Tov]] one should insert Yaaleh VeYavo in the middle of the third Bracha of [[Birkat HaMazon]]. <Ref>S”A 188:4,5 </ref>
# If one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo and one realized:
## before saying Hashem’s name at the end of the third Bracha one should return to Yaaleh VeYavo and then continue from there. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 510) </ref>
## after saying Hashem’s name but before saying Boneh Yerushalayim one should immediately say למדני חוקיך which is the conclusion of a פסוק in Tehillim and then return to Yaaleh Veyavo and continue from there. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 510) </ref>
## after finishing the third Bracha before starting the fourth Bracha one should insert a special Bracha ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם שנתן ימים טובים לעמו ישראל לששון ולשמחה את יום חג (פלוני) הזה ברוך אתה ה' מקדש ישראל והזמנים. . <ref>S”A 188:6 </ref>
## within the first six words of the fourth Bracha (ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם) one should continue with the special Bracha (שנתן...) mentioned in the last option. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 515) </ref>
## after one said the seventh word in the fourth Bracha one must repeat [[Birkat HaMazon]]. <Ref> S”A 188:6 writes that on [[Yom Tov]] if one forgot to say Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Birkat HaMazon]] one must repeat [[Birkat HaMazon]]. Mishna Brurah 188:26 quotes Magan Avraham who says that this only applies to the nighttime meal and first daytime meal but the second daytime meal one doesn’t have to repeat [[Birkat HaMazon]]. </ref>
===Chol HaMoed===
# On [[Chol HaMoed]], one should insert Yaaleh VeYavo in the middle of the third Bracha of [[Birkat HaMazon]]. <Ref>S”A 188:4,5 </ref>
# If one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo and one realized:
## before saying Hashem’s name at the end of the third Bracha, one should return to Yaaleh VeYavo and then continue from there. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 510) </ref>
## after saying Hashem’s name but before saying Boneh Yerushalayim, one should immediately say למדני חוקיך which is the conclusion of a פסוק in Tehillim and then return to Yaaleh Veyavo and continue from there. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 510) </ref>
## after finishing the third Bracha before starting the fourth Bracha one should insert a special Bracha ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם שנתן מועדים לעמו ישראל לששון ולשמחה את יום חג  (פלוני) הזה <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 513) writes that the special Bracha to insert on [[Chol HaMoed]] is ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם שנתן מועדים לעמו ישראל לששון ולשמחה את יום חג. (פלוני) הזה. This is based on Mishna Brurah 188:27 who writes that the special Bracha of [[Chol HaMoed]] doesn’t have a conclusion like the Bracha of [[Rosh Chodesh]]. </ref>
## within the first six words of the fourth Bracha (ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם), one should continue with the special Bracha (שנתן...) mentioned in the last option. <ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 515) </ref>
## after one said the seventh word in the fourth Bracha, one should continue and not repeat Birkat Hamazon. <Ref> S”A 188:7 writes that one doesn’t need to repeat [[Birkat HaMazon]] if one forgot Yaaleh VeYavo on [[Chol HaMoed]] because there’s no obligation to have a bread meal on [[Chol HaMoed]]. </ref>
===Shabbat and [[Rosh Chodesh]]/Chol Hamoed/Yom Tov===
# In a situation where one needs to recite retzeh for [[shabbat]] in addition to [[yaaleh veyavo]] for whatever occasion, retzeh should be recited first. <ref> Chazon Ovadia [[Berachot]] page 98 in accordance with the rule of tadir vishe'ayno tadir, tadir kodem. </ref>
# If one began to say [[yaaleh veyavo]] before saying retzeh some poskim say he should continue with [[yaaleh veyavo]] and when he finishes to say retzeh <ref> Chazon Ovadia [[Berachot]] page 98, Mikor Chaim 188: page 330, Sh"t Divrei Malkiel 1:10, Sh"t Maharshag 1:22. In Chazon Ovadia, Chacham Ovadia Yosef says that preferably one should add "et yom hashabbat hazeh" before mentioning the day for which you're saying [[yaaleh veyavo]]. </ref> and other poskim say to stop wherever you remembered and say retzeh and [[yaaleh veyavo]] in the proper order. <ref> The Shaagas Aryeh 20 says that one should stop there and say retze and [[Yaaleh VeYavo]] in the correct order. Sh"t Rav Pealim 2:40 says the same, and brings a proof from the Rama 684:6 where he says that for torah reading if you start [[chanuka]]’s before [[rosh chodesh]]’s, then stop and do [[rosh chodesh]]’s reading. </ref>
===If meal extended after sunset===
# If the meal extended until after sunset on [[Rosh Chodesh]] one should say Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Birkat HaMazon]] since we follow the beginning of the meal. If, however, one already said [[Maariv]], one should not insert Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Birkat HaMazon]]. <ref>S"A 188:10, Mishna Brurah 188:34, Vezot HaBracha (p. 144)</ref>
# If the meal extended until after sunset on [[Yom Tov]], Chol Hamoed, or [[Rosh Chodesh]] and one has to insert the special Bracha between the third and fourth Bracha this special Bracha should be said without [[Shem UMalchut]] meaning one should just say ברוך שנתן…<ref>Halachos of [[Brachos]] (pg 511) based on Biur Halacha 188:10 D”H mazkir, Kesot HaShulchan 47:3 </ref>
# If one began a meal before [[Rosh Chodesh]] and finished it on [[Rosh Chodesh]] and ate a [[Kezayit]] after nightfall, one should insert Yaaleh VeYavo in [[Birkat HaMazon]]. <Ref>S"A HaRav 188:17, Halacha Brurah 188:34, Vezot HaBracha (p.145) </ref> If one finished one's meal during Bein HaShemashot one shouldn't insert Yaaleh VeYavo, yet it would be proper to eat a [[Kezayit]] after Tzeit HaKochavim and insert Yaaleh VeYavo to avoid any doubt.<ref>Vezot HaBracha (p.145)</ref>


===A woman who forgot Yaaleh VeYavo in Birkat HaMazon===
First, the Torah prohibits oppressing another <ref> VaYikra 25:17 </ref>. The Mishnah Bava Metzia <ref> Bava metzia 58b </ref> extends this prohibition to oppressing another with words as well as with money. This prohibition forbids several different ways of oppressing with words. When one embarrasses another, he or she is in violation of the prohibition of “A man may not oppress his fellow <ref> VaYikra 25:17 </ref>."
# A woman who forgot Yaaleh VeYavo in [[benching]] should not repeat [[benching]] except on the first night of [[Sukkot]] and [[Pesach]]. <Ref> Sh”T Rabbi Akiva Eiger 1 says that women aren’t obligated in a meal on [[Yom Tov]] and so they don’t repeat [[benching]] if they forgot Yaaleh VeYavo. However, Sh”t Matat Yado MeHaTorah 21, Sh”t Sheilat Yacov 97, Pitchei Teshuva 529, and Sdei Chemed ([[Yom Tov]] 2:10) write that women would repeat [[benching]] either because the meal is an absolute chiyuv (as it seems from Tosfot HaRosh [[Brachot]] 49b) or because it’s voluntary fulfillment of the mitzvah. Nonetheless, Sh”t Yabia Omer 6:18, Sh”t Bear Moshe 3:38, and Sh”t Shevet HaLevi 5:18 write that because of Safek [[Brachot]], a women doesn’t repeat [[benching]] like the Rabbi Akiva Eiger. Everyone agrees (Sh”t Rabbi Akiva Eiger) that on the first night of [[sukkot]] and [[Pesach]], women are obligated in the meal and would have to repeat [[benching]] if they forgot Yaale VeYavo.  </ref>


==Sources==
Second, there is a specific prohibition not to embarrass that is derived from the Mitzvah of rebuking others. The Torah commands “You shall surely rebuke your friend<ref> Vayikra 19:17. </ref>.” However,  the end of the verse: “and you shall not bear iniquity because of him” warns us not to allow the fulfillment of this commandment to simultaneously cause a transgression of humiliating another. The prohibition against embarrassing in this specific case creates a general prohibition against embarrassing another in any situation <ref> Sefer HaChinuch 240 based on Sifra </ref>.
 
In addition to violating the above prohibitions, anyone who embrasses another is also failing to fulfil the Mitzvah of V’ahavta L’reach Kamocha <ref> Vayikra 19:18. </ref>.
==Punishment==
There are three opinions about whether someone who embarasses somone else receives the punishment of Malkos (lashes):
# The Sefer HaChinuch says there is no punishment of malkos for [[embarrassing others]]  <ref>Sefar chinook</ref>
# The Mordechai does however demand malkos for embarrassment, and onat devarim (verbal oppression.) <ref>Bava Metzia 4:306 </ref>
#The Chiddushei Anshei Shem approves malkos mardus, or unofficial malkos, issued by rabies which may actually be applied more severely. <ref> Chiddusei Anshei Shem</ref>
 
Payment for damage done by embarrassing someone
# The Talmud says that verbal harassment does not make a person responsible for monetary punishment.  <ref>Bava Kama 91a</ref>
# The Maharshal says that a person can choose choose to pay a fine to the victim, or [[charity]] (it’s debated which one) instead of taking lashes.  <ref>Yam Shel Shlomo 8:49 </ref>
 
Other Punishments in this world
# Even though there is no punishment in Beit Din, the Sefer HaChinuch warns that God has other ways of punishing people in this world<ref> Sefer HaChinuch 240</ref>
#  “When one causes suffering to others, he is punished in Olam Hazeh too. Every person must pay attention to what he does and what he says so as not to hurt his fellow man. The truth is that the punishment is much worse in Olam Habo, but most people are not aroused by what they can’t see directly, so I am speaking about something that everyone understands well.”<ref>Reb Aharon Leib Shteinman as quoted in http://www.torahlab.org/community/article/why_so_much_suffering/</ref>
 
Punishment in the World to Come
# The gemara says all who descend into Gehenna (hell) eventually leave. Except for one who publicly shames his neighbour. <ref>R. Hanina in Bava Metziah 58b</ref>
==Atoning for Embarrassment==
In order to achieve full repentance for sinning, one must undergo a complex process of asking for forgiveness. The steps of the process include: <ref> Rambam, Hilchot Teshuva  Chapter 1</ref>
 
# First acknowledging, then regretting one’s sin. # Privately confessing the transgression to God.
# Devoting oneself to not committing a similar transgression in the future.
# Make amends with the person you have transgressed against.
# Ask for absolute forgiveness from the one you offended, and from God.
 
Before examining the steps specific to atoning for embarrassment, we must assess whether or not it is even possible to do Teshuva:
 
# According to the Gemara, one embarrasses another publicly descends to Hell and never ascends<ref>Bava Metiza 58b </ref>. This seems to imply that the punishment is final with no chance for Teshuva.
# However, Tosafot explain that the Gemara is only talking about if you didn’t do Teshuva, because Teshuva helps for everything. <ref>Bava Metiza 58b </ref>
# The Midrash, on the other hand, says that embarrassing one in public cannot be absolved by Teshuva <ref> Otzar HaMidrashim pg. 505 </ref>.
# Rabbeinu Yonah explains that the reason we say you are condemned to Hell for eternity is not because Teshuva does not work if you do it, but it’s because it’s highly unlikely that one would actually do Teshuva for embarrassing someone. The reason being that we often rationalize [[embarrassing others]], or we simply fail to acknowledge the damage it causes. <ref> Shaarei Teshuva 3:141</ref>
 
While the steps enumerated above are the standard steps of completing Teshuva, there are specific steps required to atone for embarrassment:
 
# You must try to appease your friend at an opportune time, or until he agrees to listen to you. You must then feel you friend’s pain in your heart and resolve not to embarrass others. Finally, if one embarrasses you in the future, you should not feel upset, rather you should view it as fair. <ref> Sefer Chassidim 54</ref>
# One should give gifts to the person they oppressed as a means of making amends. One should give [[Mishloach Manot]] to the person on [[Purim]], or confront them before [[Yom Kippur]] when they’re more likely to listen. One may also have friends help him lay the groundwork for his apology. <ref> Reuven, Rabbi Nitzan Kitzur Hilchot Smirat HaLashon</ref>
# “If the humiliation took place in the presence of others, make your apology in their presence, as well as in private. Otherwise the victim has the right to say, “You shamed me in front of others, and now you want to apologize in private. Bring me all the people who heard you embarrass me, and then I will accept your apology.” <ref> Yalkout Shimoni, Hosea 14 </ref>
 
==Giving up your life==
The Gemara compares embarrassing someone in public to killing them<ref>Gemara Bava Metziah 58b</ref>. Murder has a special status in Halacha. It is a subject of debate if the comparison the Gemara makes between embarrassing and murder is meant to be taken literally with implications for Halacha or not.
Two comments in the Gemara seem to suggest that the comparison should be taken literally.
# When the Jewish people asked King David “what manner of death befalls he who has relations with a married woman?”  David quickly replies “He is executed with strangulation, and then receives a portion in the world to come; however, one who shames his fellow in public has no portion in the world to come.” As you can see from king David is it “Better for one to have relations with a possibly married woman than to shame his fellow in public”<ref>Gemara Bava Metziah 59a</ref>.
# When Tamar, Yehuda’s daughter in law, is accused of adultery, to save herself she privately gives Yehuda a hint that she is pregnant with his baby without embarrassing him publicly. As you can see from Tamar is it “Better for one to hurl himself into a fiery furnace rather than shame his fellow in public” <ref>Gemara Bava Metziah 59a</ref>
On the other hand, some later commentators assume that when the Talmud makes comparisons between an act and some other much worse act (such as comparing stealing to murder or comparing disrespecting the [[Chagim]] to Avodah Zarah) the comparison should not be taken literally <ref>Rabbis Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, Zvi Ashkenazi and Yaakov Etlinger as cited by Feldman, Daniel Z. “Emotional Homicide: The Prohibitions Of Embarrassing Others In Public”</ref>
In the following five instances Rabbis have argued about the implications of taking the comparison between embarrassing and murder literally<ref>All five are discussed in detail in Feldman, Daniel Z. “Emotional Homicide: The Prohibitions Of Embarrassing Others In Public”</ref>:
# Should one give up their life to avoid embarrassing another just like one must give up their life to avoid killing another?
# Can you refrain from saving someone if you would be embarrassed in the process just like you can refrain from saving another if you would die in the process?
# Can you violate [[Shabbat]] to avoid embarrassment just like you can violate Shabbbat to avoid death?
# Is a kohen who embarrasses someone prohibited from ascending the duchen to say Birchat Kohanim just like a Kohen who has murdered someone is?
# Are you allowed to give permission to someone to embarrass you or not just like you are not allowed to give someone permission to kill you?
 
==Notes==  
<references/>
<references/>

Revision as of 16:35, 2 January 2014

Embarrassing another person is one of the most severe prohibitions in the Torah. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most often violated. It is essential to learn the Halachot of embarrassing others in order to avoid causing this terrible pain to others.

Source of Prohibition

There are two possible prohibitions that one violates when he or she embarrasses another.

First, the Torah prohibits oppressing another [1]. The Mishnah Bava Metzia [2] extends this prohibition to oppressing another with words as well as with money. This prohibition forbids several different ways of oppressing with words. When one embarrasses another, he or she is in violation of the prohibition of “A man may not oppress his fellow [3]."

Second, there is a specific prohibition not to embarrass that is derived from the Mitzvah of rebuking others. The Torah commands “You shall surely rebuke your friend[4].” However, the end of the verse: “and you shall not bear iniquity because of him” warns us not to allow the fulfillment of this commandment to simultaneously cause a transgression of humiliating another. The prohibition against embarrassing in this specific case creates a general prohibition against embarrassing another in any situation [5].

In addition to violating the above prohibitions, anyone who embrasses another is also failing to fulfil the Mitzvah of V’ahavta L’reach Kamocha [6].

Punishment

There are three opinions about whether someone who embarasses somone else receives the punishment of Malkos (lashes):

  1. The Sefer HaChinuch says there is no punishment of malkos for embarrassing others [7]
  2. The Mordechai does however demand malkos for embarrassment, and onat devarim (verbal oppression.) [8]
  3. The Chiddushei Anshei Shem approves malkos mardus, or unofficial malkos, issued by rabies which may actually be applied more severely. [9]

Payment for damage done by embarrassing someone

  1. The Talmud says that verbal harassment does not make a person responsible for monetary punishment. [10]
  2. The Maharshal says that a person can choose choose to pay a fine to the victim, or charity (it’s debated which one) instead of taking lashes. [11]

Other Punishments in this world

  1. Even though there is no punishment in Beit Din, the Sefer HaChinuch warns that God has other ways of punishing people in this world[12]
  2. “When one causes suffering to others, he is punished in Olam Hazeh too. Every person must pay attention to what he does and what he says so as not to hurt his fellow man. The truth is that the punishment is much worse in Olam Habo, but most people are not aroused by what they can’t see directly, so I am speaking about something that everyone understands well.”[13]

Punishment in the World to Come

  1. The gemara says all who descend into Gehenna (hell) eventually leave. Except for one who publicly shames his neighbour. [14]

Atoning for Embarrassment

In order to achieve full repentance for sinning, one must undergo a complex process of asking for forgiveness. The steps of the process include: [15]

  1. First acknowledging, then regretting one’s sin. # Privately confessing the transgression to God.
  2. Devoting oneself to not committing a similar transgression in the future.
  3. Make amends with the person you have transgressed against.
  4. Ask for absolute forgiveness from the one you offended, and from God.

Before examining the steps specific to atoning for embarrassment, we must assess whether or not it is even possible to do Teshuva:

  1. According to the Gemara, one embarrasses another publicly descends to Hell and never ascends[16]. This seems to imply that the punishment is final with no chance for Teshuva.
  2. However, Tosafot explain that the Gemara is only talking about if you didn’t do Teshuva, because Teshuva helps for everything. [17]
  3. The Midrash, on the other hand, says that embarrassing one in public cannot be absolved by Teshuva [18].
  4. Rabbeinu Yonah explains that the reason we say you are condemned to Hell for eternity is not because Teshuva does not work if you do it, but it’s because it’s highly unlikely that one would actually do Teshuva for embarrassing someone. The reason being that we often rationalize embarrassing others, or we simply fail to acknowledge the damage it causes. [19]

While the steps enumerated above are the standard steps of completing Teshuva, there are specific steps required to atone for embarrassment:

  1. You must try to appease your friend at an opportune time, or until he agrees to listen to you. You must then feel you friend’s pain in your heart and resolve not to embarrass others. Finally, if one embarrasses you in the future, you should not feel upset, rather you should view it as fair. [20]
  2. One should give gifts to the person they oppressed as a means of making amends. One should give Mishloach Manot to the person on Purim, or confront them before Yom Kippur when they’re more likely to listen. One may also have friends help him lay the groundwork for his apology. [21]
  3. “If the humiliation took place in the presence of others, make your apology in their presence, as well as in private. Otherwise the victim has the right to say, “You shamed me in front of others, and now you want to apologize in private. Bring me all the people who heard you embarrass me, and then I will accept your apology.” [22]

Giving up your life

The Gemara compares embarrassing someone in public to killing them[23]. Murder has a special status in Halacha. It is a subject of debate if the comparison the Gemara makes between embarrassing and murder is meant to be taken literally with implications for Halacha or not. Two comments in the Gemara seem to suggest that the comparison should be taken literally.

  1. When the Jewish people asked King David “what manner of death befalls he who has relations with a married woman?” David quickly replies “He is executed with strangulation, and then receives a portion in the world to come; however, one who shames his fellow in public has no portion in the world to come.” As you can see from king David is it “Better for one to have relations with a possibly married woman than to shame his fellow in public”[24].
  2. When Tamar, Yehuda’s daughter in law, is accused of adultery, to save herself she privately gives Yehuda a hint that she is pregnant with his baby without embarrassing him publicly. As you can see from Tamar is it “Better for one to hurl himself into a fiery furnace rather than shame his fellow in public” [25]

On the other hand, some later commentators assume that when the Talmud makes comparisons between an act and some other much worse act (such as comparing stealing to murder or comparing disrespecting the Chagim to Avodah Zarah) the comparison should not be taken literally [26] In the following five instances Rabbis have argued about the implications of taking the comparison between embarrassing and murder literally[27]:

  1. Should one give up their life to avoid embarrassing another just like one must give up their life to avoid killing another?
  2. Can you refrain from saving someone if you would be embarrassed in the process just like you can refrain from saving another if you would die in the process?
  3. Can you violate Shabbat to avoid embarrassment just like you can violate Shabbbat to avoid death?
  4. Is a kohen who embarrasses someone prohibited from ascending the duchen to say Birchat Kohanim just like a Kohen who has murdered someone is?
  5. Are you allowed to give permission to someone to embarrass you or not just like you are not allowed to give someone permission to kill you?

Notes

  1. ↑ VaYikra 25:17
  2. ↑ Bava metzia 58b
  3. ↑ VaYikra 25:17
  4. ↑ Vayikra 19:17.
  5. ↑ Sefer HaChinuch 240 based on Sifra
  6. ↑ Vayikra 19:18.
  7. ↑ Sefar chinook
  8. ↑ Bava Metzia 4:306
  9. ↑ Chiddusei Anshei Shem
  10. ↑ Bava Kama 91a
  11. ↑ Yam Shel Shlomo 8:49
  12. ↑ Sefer HaChinuch 240
  13. ↑ Reb Aharon Leib Shteinman as quoted in http://www.torahlab.org/community/article/why_so_much_suffering/
  14. ↑ R. Hanina in Bava Metziah 58b
  15. ↑ Rambam, Hilchot Teshuva Chapter 1
  16. ↑ Bava Metiza 58b
  17. ↑ Bava Metiza 58b
  18. ↑ Otzar HaMidrashim pg. 505
  19. ↑ Shaarei Teshuva 3:141
  20. ↑ Sefer Chassidim 54
  21. ↑ Reuven, Rabbi Nitzan Kitzur Hilchot Smirat HaLashon
  22. ↑ Yalkout Shimoni, Hosea 14
  23. ↑ Gemara Bava Metziah 58b
  24. ↑ Gemara Bava Metziah 59a
  25. ↑ Gemara Bava Metziah 59a
  26. ↑ Rabbis Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, Zvi Ashkenazi and Yaakov Etlinger as cited by Feldman, Daniel Z. “Emotional Homicide: The Prohibitions Of Embarrassing Others In Public”
  27. ↑ All five are discussed in detail in Feldman, Daniel Z. “Emotional Homicide: The Prohibitions Of Embarrassing Others In Public”
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