Comforting the Mourners
Jump to navigation Jump to search
- There is a great mitzva to comfort mourners. 
How to Comfort the Mourner
- It is crucial to remember that the reason for one's visit to the house of mourning is to comfort the mourner(s), and so one must be considerate to their wishes.
- There are two components to comforting the mourner; one, easing the pain of the living relatives and two, showing a last honor to the deceased. There's an additional productive aspect of going to the house of mourners; it reminds a person of the fragility of life.
- Those coming to comfort the avel should not initiate conversation but should respond when the mourner begins to speak. Just listening and enabling the mourner to relieve some of his pain by expressing his emotions is a form of comfort. 
- One should not say “What could you have done? You can’t change what Hashem decreed.” since this implies that if one were able to change what Hashem decreed, one would have, which is blasphemous. Rather one should accept Hashem’s decrees.
When Should one Visit?
First 3 Days
- Many poskim cite the practice not to visit during the first three days after the funeral
- One may visit the mourners even during the night.
- It is permitted to visit a mourner on Shabbat. However, one should not plan to visit a mourner specifically on Shabbat. 
- If one comforts a mourner on Shabbat one should say "Shabbat Hiy MeLeNachem VeNechama Krova Lavo" and some are lenient to say HaMakom Yinachamecha. 
- If one is going to make a shiva call on Tisha B'av, he should ideally do so after midday but if that is not possible he may go earlier.
Over the Phone
- Many authorities hold if a person can go to the house of the mourner he should not exempt himself by calling on the phone. However, if a person can't make it to the mourner's house because of an illness or involvement in a mitzvah there is an obligation to fulfill what he can by calling on the telephone.  Similarly, some allow one who cannot visit to fulfill his obligation by sending a letter.
Who Should Comfort the Mourner
- An enemy of the mourner shouldn't comfort the mourner so that people don’t think that he’s happy because of his downfall, however, he may be involved in escorting the funeral procession. 
- Men and women can be involved in comforting a women. If there are only women mourners men should go to comfort the mourner together with others or after the shiva minyan when many people are there.
- Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1. Rambam Hilchot Avel 14 seems to hold that this mitzva is only rabbinic, although Rabbeinu Yonah to the beginning of the third chapter of Brachos indicates that one fulfills a mitzvah deoraisa by comforting a mourner
- As it says in Koheles 7:2, it is better to attend a mourner's house than a party
- Cf. Sefer Ahavas Chessed 3:6 and Sh"T Teshuvos V'Hanhagos 3:378
- Rambam (Avel 14:7)
- Ketubot 72a
- Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1
- Yoma 75a
- Gemara Bava Kama 38a, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:4
- This practice is mentioned in Gesher Hachaim vol. 1 page 209, Teshuvot Vihanhagot 4:274:9, Sefer Chesed Shel Emet pg. 415, Nitei Gavriel Aveilut vol. 1:Perek 86. The Gesher Hachaim writes that since this is just a minhag if there are extenuating circumstances one may certainly go during the first three days. Emes LiYaakov pg. 394 writes that the minhag in Lithuania was to allow visiting even on the first day. The Lubavitcher Rebbe (cited in Shaarei Halacha U'Minhag YD 137 is also lenient. see also Teshuvot Vihanhagot 3:377 and 4:274:9) who writes that since the majority of people who just go to show support (and only say "Hamakom Yenachem...") may go at any time.
- Gesher Hachaim vol. 1 page 209, Sh"t Yabea Omer vol. 10 pg. 299
- Shulchan Aruch 287:1 writes that it's permitted to comfort a mourner on Shabbat. However, Mishna Brurah 287:1 points out that the Rabbis only permitted this with difficulty. Thus, says the Mishna Brurah, those who only comfort mourners on Shabbat are not acting correctly. Rabbi Mansour on Dailyhalacha.com says therefore one shouldn't specifically plan to visit on Shabbat.
- Mishna Brurah 287:3
- Iggerot Moshe 5:20:22
- Sh"t Igrot Moshe 4:40:11 writes there's two purposes of comforting the mourner. One is to comfort and speak to the living relatives who are very distressed. The other purpose is to show respect to the deceased. Comforting a mourner over the phone only fulfills the first purpose and even in that respect it's much better to go to the mourners house. Therefore, if a person can go to the house of the mourner he should not exempt himself by calling on the phone. However, if a person can't make it to the mourner's house because of an illness or involvement in a mitzvah there is an obligation to fulfill what he can by calling on the telephone. Rav Moshe also has a similar idea regarding visiting the sick (Bikur Cholim) in Sh"t Igrot Moshe 1:223. Minchat Yitzchak 2:84 agrees with Rav Moshe regarding Bikur Cholim. Bear Moshe 2:104, 106 and 7:2:58 agrees with Rav Moshe both regarding comforting mourners and visiting the sick.
- However, Rav Yitzchak Hutner (Pachad Yitzchak Igrot #33) writes that calling a sick person on the phone basically accomplishes the purpose of Bikur Cholim to investigate in a fellow Jew's situation and see how one can help, however, calling a mourner one doesn't fulfill the mitzvah properly because Nichum Aveilim is supposed to create a gathering of comforters to surround the mourner (see Ketubot 69b) and a phone doesn't accomplish that. See Peni Baruch 11:12 who quotes Sh"t Minchat David 72-3 who says that one shouldn't comfort mourners over the phone.
- Teshuvot Vihanhagot 2:587
- Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 193:1
- Gesher Hachaim 1:20:5:1