Comforting the Mourners: Difference between revisions
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==Obligation== | ==Obligation== | ||
# There is a great mitzva to comfort mourners. <ref> Sotah 14a, Rambam Avel 14:1, Shulchan Aruch YD 376:1, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1. Rambam Hilchot Avel 14:1 seems to hold that this mitzva is only rabbinic, although Rabbeinu Yonah to the beginning of the third chapter of Brachos indicates that one fulfills a mitzvah deoraisa by comforting a mourner. </ref> | # There is a great mitzva to comfort mourners.<ref> Sotah 14a, Rambam Avel 14:1, Shulchan Aruch YD 376:1, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1. Rambam Hilchot Avel 14:1 seems to hold that this mitzva is only rabbinic, although Rabbeinu Yonah to the beginning of the third chapter of Brachos indicates that one fulfills a mitzvah deoraisa by comforting a mourner. </ref> | ||
# It is better to attend a mourner's house than a party.<ref>Kohelet 7:2, Aruch Hashulchan 403:8</ref> | # It is better to attend a mourner's house than a party.<ref>Kohelet 7:2, Aruch Hashulchan 403:8</ref> | ||
# It is better to comfort the mourner than to visit someone who is sick ([[Bikur Cholim]]).<ref>Rambam (Avel 14:7), Rama YD 335:10</ref> | # It is better to comfort the mourner than to visit someone who is sick ([[Bikur Cholim]]).<ref>Rambam (Avel 14:7), Rama YD 335:10</ref> | ||
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# It is crucial to remember that the reason for one's visit to the house of mourning is to comfort the mourner(s), and so one must be considerate to their wishes.<ref>Cf. Sefer Ahavas Chessed 3:6 and Sh"t Teshuvos V'Hanhagos 3:378</ref> | # It is crucial to remember that the reason for one's visit to the house of mourning is to comfort the mourner(s), and so one must be considerate to their wishes.<ref>Cf. Sefer Ahavas Chessed 3:6 and Sh"t Teshuvos V'Hanhagos 3:378</ref> | ||
# There are two components to comforting the mourner; one, easing the pain of the living relatives and two, showing a last honor to the deceased.<ref>Rambam (Avel 14:7)</ref> There's an additional productive aspect of going to the house of mourners; it reminds a person of the fragility of life.<ref>Ketubot 72a, Rama YD 403:10</ref> | # There are two components to comforting the mourner; one, easing the pain of the living relatives and two, showing a last honor to the deceased.<ref>Rambam (Avel 14:7)</ref> There's an additional productive aspect of going to the house of mourners; it reminds a person of the fragility of life.<ref>Ketubot 72a, Rama YD 403:10</ref> | ||
# Those coming to comfort the avel should not initiate conversation but should respond when the mourner begins to speak. <ref>Moed Katan 28b, Shulchan Aruch YD 376:1, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1 </ref>Just listening and enabling the mourner to relieve some of his pain by expressing his emotions is a form of comfort. <ref>Yoma 75a</ref> | # Those coming to comfort the avel should not initiate conversation but should respond when the mourner begins to speak.<ref>Moed Katan 28b, Shulchan Aruch YD 376:1, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:1 </ref>Just listening and enabling the mourner to relieve some of his pain by expressing his emotions is a form of comfort.<ref>Yoma 75a</ref> | ||
# One should not say “What could you have done? You can’t change what Hashem decreed.” since this implies that if one were able to change what Hashem decreed, one would have, which is blasphemous. Rather one should accept Hashem’s decrees.<ref>Gemara Bava Kama 38a, Rama YD 376:2, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:4, Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 70)</ref> | # One should not say “What could you have done? You can’t change what Hashem decreed.” since this implies that if one were able to change what Hashem decreed, one would have, which is blasphemous. Rather one should accept Hashem’s decrees.<ref>Gemara Bava Kama 38a, Rama YD 376:2, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 207:4, Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 70)</ref> | ||
# The mourner should not say I have not been punished according to my actions because it is forbidden to give the Satan an excuse to get involved.<ref>Rama YD 376:2, Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 71)</ref> | # The mourner should not say I have not been punished according to my actions because it is forbidden to give the Satan an excuse to get involved.<ref>Rama YD 376:2, Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 71)</ref> | ||
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===Shabbat=== | ===Shabbat=== | ||
# It is permitted to visit a mourner on [[Shabbat]]. However, one should not plan to visit a mourner specifically on [[Shabbat]]. <ref>Shulchan Aruch 287:1 writes that it's permitted to comfort a mourner on [[Shabbat]]. However, Mishna Brurah 287:1 points out that the Rabbis only permitted this with difficulty. Thus, says the Mishna Brurah, those who only comfort mourners on [[Shabbat]] are not acting correctly. [http://www.dailyhalacha.com/m/halacha.aspx?id=2230 Rabbi Mansour on Dailyhalacha.com] says therefore one shouldn't specifically plan to visit on [[Shabbat]]. Gesher Hachaim 1:20:5:2 writes that the sephardic minhag is to go to the mourner's house for comforting on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 73) confirms this.</ref> | # It is permitted to visit a mourner on [[Shabbat]]. However, one should not plan to visit a mourner specifically on [[Shabbat]].<ref>Shulchan Aruch 287:1 writes that it's permitted to comfort a mourner on [[Shabbat]]. However, Mishna Brurah 287:1 points out that the Rabbis only permitted this with difficulty. Thus, says the Mishna Brurah, those who only comfort mourners on [[Shabbat]] are not acting correctly. [http://www.dailyhalacha.com/m/halacha.aspx?id=2230 Rabbi Mansour on Dailyhalacha.com] says therefore one shouldn't specifically plan to visit on [[Shabbat]]. Gesher Hachaim 1:20:5:2 writes that the sephardic minhag is to go to the mourner's house for comforting on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 73) confirms this.</ref> | ||
# If one comforts a mourner on [[Shabbat]] one should say "[[Shabbat]] Hiy MeLeNachem VeNechama Krova Lavo" and some are lenient to say HaMakom Yinachamecha. <Ref>Mishna Brurah 287:3. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 74) has a slightly longer version "[[Shabbat]] Hiy MeLeNachem VeNechama Krova Lavo Vlo Tosifu Ldava Od" based on the Maharshal. </ref> | # If one comforts a mourner on [[Shabbat]] one should say "[[Shabbat]] Hiy MeLeNachem VeNechama Krova Lavo" and some are lenient to say HaMakom Yinachamecha. <Ref>Mishna Brurah 287:3. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 74) has a slightly longer version "[[Shabbat]] Hiy MeLeNachem VeNechama Krova Lavo Vlo Tosifu Ldava Od" based on the Maharshal. </ref> | ||
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==Over the Phone== | ==Over the Phone== | ||
# Many authorities hold if a person can go to the house of the mourner he should not exempt himself by calling on the phone. However, if a person can't make it to the mourner's house because of an illness or involvement in a mitzvah there is an obligation to fulfill what he can by calling on the telephone. <ref> | # Many authorities hold if a person can go to the house of the mourner he should not exempt himself by calling on the phone. However, if a person can't make it to the mourner's house because of an illness or involvement in a mitzvah there is an obligation to fulfill what he can by calling on the telephone.<ref> | ||
* Sh"t Igrot Moshe 4:40:11 writes there's two purposes of comforting the mourner. One is to comfort and speak to the living relatives who are very distressed. The other purpose is to show respect to the deceased. Comforting a mourner over the phone only fulfills the first purpose and even in that respect it's much better to go to the mourners house. Therefore, if a person can go to the house of the mourner he should not exempt himself by calling on the phone. However, if a person can't make it to the mourner's house because of an illness or involvement in a mitzvah there is an obligation to fulfill what he can by calling on the telephone. Rav Moshe also has a similar idea regarding [[Visiting the sick|visiting the sick]] ([[Bikur Cholim]]) in Sh"t Igrot Moshe 1:223. Minchat Yitzchak 2:84 agrees with Rav Moshe regarding [[Bikur Cholim]]. Bear Moshe 2:104, 106 and 7:2:58 agrees with Rav Moshe both regarding comforting mourners and [[visiting the sick]]. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 65) agrees with Rav Moshe regarding comforting the mourner. | * Sh"t Igrot Moshe 4:40:11 writes there's two purposes of comforting the mourner. One is to comfort and speak to the living relatives who are very distressed. The other purpose is to show respect to the deceased. Comforting a mourner over the phone only fulfills the first purpose and even in that respect it's much better to go to the mourners house. Therefore, if a person can go to the house of the mourner he should not exempt himself by calling on the phone. However, if a person can't make it to the mourner's house because of an illness or involvement in a mitzvah there is an obligation to fulfill what he can by calling on the telephone. Rav Moshe also has a similar idea regarding [[Visiting the sick|visiting the sick]] ([[Bikur Cholim]]) in Sh"t Igrot Moshe 1:223. Minchat Yitzchak 2:84 agrees with Rav Moshe regarding [[Bikur Cholim]]. Bear Moshe 2:104, 106 and 7:2:58 agrees with Rav Moshe both regarding comforting mourners and [[visiting the sick]]. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 65) agrees with Rav Moshe regarding comforting the mourner. | ||
* However, Rav Yitzchak Hutner (Pachad Yitzchak Igrot #33) writes that calling a sick person on the phone basically accomplishes the purpose of [[Bikur Cholim]] to investigate in a fellow Jew's situation and see how one can help, however, calling a mourner one doesn't fulfill the mitzvah properly because [[Nichum Aveilim]] is supposed to create a [[gathering]] of comforters to surround the mourner (see Ketubot 69b) and a phone doesn't accomplish that. See Peni Baruch 11:12 who quotes Sh"t Minchat David 72-3 who says that one shouldn't comfort mourners over the phone.</ref> Similarly, some allow one who cannot visit to fulfill his obligation by sending a letter.<ref> Teshuvot Vihanhagot 2:587</ref> | * However, Rav Yitzchak Hutner (Pachad Yitzchak Igrot #33) writes that calling a sick person on the phone basically accomplishes the purpose of [[Bikur Cholim]] to investigate in a fellow Jew's situation and see how one can help, however, calling a mourner one doesn't fulfill the mitzvah properly because [[Nichum Aveilim]] is supposed to create a [[gathering]] of comforters to surround the mourner (see Ketubot 69b) and a phone doesn't accomplish that. See Peni Baruch 11:12 who quotes Sh"t Minchat David 72-3 who says that one shouldn't comfort mourners over the phone.</ref> Similarly, some allow one who cannot visit to fulfill his obligation by sending a letter.<ref> Teshuvot Vihanhagot 2:587</ref> | ||
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==Who Should Comfort the Mourner== | ==Who Should Comfort the Mourner== | ||
# An enemy of the mourner shouldn't comfort the mourner so that people don’t think that he’s happy because of his downfall, however, he may be involved in escorting the funeral procession. <Ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 193:1 </ref> | # An enemy of the mourner shouldn't comfort the mourner so that people don’t think that he’s happy because of his downfall, however, he may be involved in escorting the funeral procession. <Ref>Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 193:1 </ref> | ||
# Men and women can be involved in comforting a women. If there are only women mourners men should go to comfort the mourner together with others or after the shiva minyan when many people are there.<ref>Gesher Hachaim 1:20:5:1</ref> | # Men and women can be involved in comforting a women. If there are only women mourners men should go to comfort the mourner together with others or after the shiva minyan when many people are there.<ref>Gesher Hachaim 1:20:5:1. Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 74) writes that when a man comforts a woman he should remain by the door and recite the phrase of Hamakom.</ref> | ||
# It is good chinuch to bring one's children to visit a mourner for comfort.<Ref>Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 72) citing the Reshit Chachma</ref> | # It is good chinuch to bring one's children to visit a mourner for comfort.<Ref>Chazon Ovadia (Aveilut v. 3 p. 72) citing the Reshit Chachma</ref> | ||
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<references/> | <references/> | ||
[[Category:Between Man And His Fellow]] | [[Category:Between Man And His Fellow]] | ||
[[Category:Yoreh Deah]] | |||
